Comedy (Read-Only Folder)  -  Saturday Night Live on NBC (15132 views) Notify me whenever anyone posts in this discussion.Subscribe
From: rebarules1 DelphiPlus Member Icon Posted by host12/12/16 6:02 PM 
To: All  (794 of 796) 
 16724.794 in reply to 16724.793 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “It’s being reported that the CIA believes Russia influenced our Presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point, telling us why Trump won is like the fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that, ‘These are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.’  Now, first of all Trump, damn that’s a good comeback. Even the CIA responded to Trump saying, ‘Wow, so it’s like that?’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as executive producer on the ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical, and potentially illegal conflict of interest – only on NBC!”

CHE – “This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the daily intelligence briefings since winning the election, but Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions. And Trump is that stubborn husband yelling, ‘Yeah I did it right! It’s supposed to be wobbly!’ You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. You can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops in his head. And he’s so petty and so vindictive. How long before he tweets out the President of China’s home phone number because he got a bad egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up to a briefing I hope they give him headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen.’”

JOST – “Now people are upset that Trump’s doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings. But face it America, Trump won because he’s the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president, we would have elected Nerd Lady. If your school elects the rich cool guy president, he’s not gonna suddenly show up to student council meetings and examine the science budget. He’s gonna go on a victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the Model U.N., and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors Rule, Mexicans Drool.’”

JOST – “Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like ‘Dirty Grandpa’ taking itself out of Oscar contention. Or Paula Deen saying she won’t accept an NAACP Image Award.”

JOST – “On Tuesday Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because it costs too much. Which is weird because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.”

JOST – “Trump has justified his use of Twitter, saying he’d tweet less if the press did their job better. Or if his Ambien did its job better.”

JOST – “The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even The Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know it’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.”

CHE – “A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.”

JOST – “A woman on Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on in a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to a finger.”

CHE – “Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Laid-off factory workers became truck drivers because ‘those trucks ain’t gonna drive themselves.’ Well guess what? In about two years, those trucks are gonna start driving themselves.”

CHE – “In white people freaking out about nothing news, the Mall of America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage on social media. Ya know, having a black mall Santa seems like a really nice idea, until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like your toddler is a racist. Now I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he’s given America a couple hundred years of free labor and that sounds pretty black to me.”

JOST – “I’ve got to say, I think Santa’s black too, because the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.”

JOST – “Jocelyn Wildenstein, who is known as the Catwoman for her extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.”

JOST – “A new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym.”

...[Message truncated]


From: rebarules1 DelphiPlus Member Icon Posted by host12/19/16 6:42 PM 
To: All  (795 of 796) 
 16724.795 in reply to 16724.794 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “At a press conference on Friday, President Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect Tom Brady to tell the ref, ‘Hey, let me try that touchdown again, the ball was deflated.’ I guess Donald Trump was just acting like a Patriot.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Yesterday the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the U.S. election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like if right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, ‘We don’t know it was Japan. It could have just been some fat guy on a couch somewhere.’”

JOST – “President Obama claimed that the Russian hackers stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to quote, ‘Cut it out.’ I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear into the heart of an evil dictator with Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.”

CHE – “The Electoral College is voting on Monday, and it would take 37 members to change their vote to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of ‘Civil Wars: Episode II.’”

CHE – “The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president, is Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun, and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.”

JOST – “And I should point out that the Electoral College was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton a black guy is getting recast as a white guy.”

JOST – “Obama this week said that Democrats are falsely characterized as ‘coastal, liberal, latte-sipping, out-of-touch folks.’ Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.”

CHE – “I’ve got to say, it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. It was like his farewell concert. He was going through all his greatest hits…The climate deal, ObamaCare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it I started calling out my favorite Obama hits, ‘Hey, do killing Osama!’ He didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president. Which, if you look at history, is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall. Right next to Martin Luther King. And perm Jesus.”

CHE – “Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume to nominate Kanye for a newly created post, Secretary of Humbleness. He even said he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as ‘multicultural issues.’ ‘Multicultural issues’ is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.”

CHE – “Trump must feel like Don Corleone. I mean everybody’s taking meetings, asking him for favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby, practicing his lines like Luca Brasi…’And may your first term, be a masculine term.’ But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean if the media wants to fine tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean what would a Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby-Doo meets the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like ‘Why? How would that even help? What would that even do?’”

JOST – “Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be Secretary of State. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.”

JOST – “In 2013 Putin awarded Tillerson the Order of Friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States.”

JOST – “It was announced that at Trump’s inauguration, the National Anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho, who finished in second place on ‘America’s Got Talent.’ Though she somehow won the ‘America’s Got Talent’ Electoral College.”

JOST – “An Australian man, who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year, has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol, and is dead.”

CHE – “According to a new survey, 70% of people say that their relationships have been hurt by ‘phubbing,’ which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. ‘Phubbing’ is not, as I assumed, when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.”

JOST – “Jia Jia, the world’s oldest panda, passed away this week at the age of 38. Jia Jia died after suffering a stroke stroke.”

...[Message truncated]


From: Suzanne Lanoue (SLANOUE) DelphiPlus Member Icon1/8/17 5:19 PM 
To: All  (796 of 796) 
 16724.796 in reply to 16724.795 

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (7555783ap)
Felicity Jones
'Rogue One: A Star Wars Story' film premiere, Tate Modern, London, UK - 13 Dec 2016

Felicity Jones to Host First SNL of 2017


First Discussion>>

Navigate this discussion: 1-3 4-13 14-23 ... 774-783 784-793 794-796
Adjust text size:

Welcome, guest! Get more out of Delphi Forums by logging in.

New to Delphi Forums? You can log in with your Facebook, Twitter, or Google account or use the New Member Login option and log in with any email address.

Home | Help | Forums | Chat | Blogs | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service
© Delphi Forums LLC All rights reserved.