The Combined Effects Of AS And A Toxic Fundamentalist Religious Upbringing
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Latest May-1 by Corrry
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Latest Apr-26 by samuelofisrael (8320john1)
A body with the XX chromosome combination has (with very few exceptions) female reproductive organs and a set of animal instincts which can differ individually between strong and weak. Females with strong instincts comfortably identify with their femininity. The female gender role suits them and their needs. They usually do not suffer from and complain about misogyny.
But for the inhabitants of XX bodies with strong rationality and brain power but with weak animal instincts, the situation is different. The female gender role is not their choice, instead it is an unwelcome set of expectations, demands and limitations which others attempt to force on them.
I have an XX-body but I identify as my brain. My body is a necessity to carry and to sustain my brain. Having an XX body does not in the least oblige or predestine me or any woman to any specific behaviors. My XX body is a given fact and there is nothing to do but to make the best of it. Life with an XY body would be easier because on average men are stronger and less vulnerable to physical violence and they are never under the menace of pregnancy. Nevertheless I do not wish to be a man because men have also their disadvantages.
I know that I am not the only XX person not ruled by femininity. But the majority of females of my kind have been brainwashed to consider their lack of femininity as a deficit and defect whereas I consider myself a winner in the biological lottery of life. I have been spared all the harm and disadvantages of being driven by Darwinian fitness instincts towards maternity.
My lack of femininity is therefore not at all a problem. The wrong expectations of men in general and especially of my husband are a serious problem. Too many men take it for granted that a visibly XX-body automatically contains a feminine personality who willingly and comfortably lives according to the female gender role.
This made me think how an egalitarian relationship without female gender role expectations could be. I wish my husband’s expectations of me would be similar to those of both partners reciprocally in committed couples of gay men.
How much better would I feel, if my husband would
• value me as a buddy to enjoy each other’s company.
• perceive that his life is enriched by my ideas, opinions, knowledge, competences and interests.
• not expect from me the unconditional love of a mother.
• use the same standards for how he treats me and how he wants to be treated.
• value reciprocity, mutuality, symmetry in the balance of giving and receiving.
• respect and appreciate me as the person I really am without any demands to change into conforming to the female gender role.
• agree that it is possible to be caring as an equal without being nurturing like a mother.
• consider an aversion to household chores not as a character flaw but as a natural consequence of having intellectual and creative interests.
• value authenticity, integrity, honesty, fairness more then meekness, humility, submission, subordination, obedience, gentleness, tenderness.
Unfortunately the above is vain wishful thinking. In fundamentalist religions the purpose of marriage is reproduction, which is not possible without the female gender role and the harm and suffering that maternity inflicts only on the female body. Therefore maternity precludes equality. The childfree equality of two partners is a sin in a fundamentalist religion, no matter if gay or hetero.
My husband not only expects me to behave according to the female gender role, his fundamentalist christian upbringing has brainwashed him to believe that conforming to the female gender role is the most decisive criterion for evaluating a female as good, healthy and moral. My refusal of the female gender role, my need for real equality causes my husband to reject me as immoral.
Religion is a scourge of women.
As it is you're in a 'lose lose' situation. Why marry at all? Your husband's expectations are not unrealistic, your expectations are quite unrealistic.
He may not believe in divorce, if so, you're both stuck with each other unless [if] one changes. If, as you say, your husband is a 'fundamentalist' his chances or role reversal are slim to none. So, either you accept your assigned XX role with accompanying feminine behavior or live out your life in frustration. Maybe mega doses of a certain medication would assist you in behavior modification. A few women suffer from high levels of testosterone. Once that is addressed and ameliorated things calm down.