Coalition of the Confused

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Confused malcontents swilling Chardonnay while awaiting the Zombie Apocalypse.

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Am I allowed to make jokes here?   Fun and Games

Started 5/29/17 by PTG (anotherPTG); 9582 views.
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)

5/29/17

Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.  There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota,stands up and proclaims:
> "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and
> his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!.”  The
> congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
>
> Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the
> rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish
> a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
> More sighs and loud applause.
>
> Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi
> stays, I will give him sex."
> There is total silence.
> The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy
> lady.  Whatever possessed you to say that?"
> Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
> forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
> while his wife replies:
> "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: 'F*u*c*k him.' "
Jenifer (Zarknorph)

From: Jenifer (Zarknorph)

5/29/17

All jokes welcome!

And you can say naughty words without alluding to them.

WANG!

Jenifer

Shawkn

From: Shawkn

5/29/17

Here's my contribution...

The mailman comes to the door to deliver the mail.  The lady of the house greets him in very sexy lingerie and not only invites him in, but also upstairs, into the bedroom, and proceeds to have wild, passionate sex with him.  When they are done, she then hands him a $1.00 bill and takes him downstairs to the kitchen and feeds him lunch.

The mailman, feeling both stunned and very happy, asks the woman why this is happening.  She tells him, "I asked my husband if we should give you a Christmas present.  He said, #### him - give him a buck!  But lunch was my idea!"

In reply toRe: msg 3
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)

5/30/17

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
>>
>> The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
>>
>> The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffer dog'.
>>
>> 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
>>
>> The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
>>
>> He told Sniffer to 'search'.
>>
>> Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
>>
>> The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
>>
>> 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
>>
>> Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles..
>>
>> The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
>>
>> The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
>>
>> 'I like it!' said his seat mate.
>>
>> The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
>>
>> Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poo on the seat.
>>
>> The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
>>
>> The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

In reply toRe: msg 4
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)

5/30/17

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
SharpEye1

From: SharpEye1

5/30/17

My contribution is on a different track:

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary........

Description: cid:1.2196487409@web38304.mail.mud.yahoo.com

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Description: cid:2.2196487411@web38304.mail.mud.yahoo.com

Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

In reply toRe: msg 6
SharpEye1

From: SharpEye1

5/30/17

Life Explained:

This just puts everything into perspective!


On the 1st day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long & suffer
under the sun, have calves & give milk to support the farmer. I will give
you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you
want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 25 & I'll give back the other 35."

And God agreed.

On the 2nd day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house & bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20." The dog said, "That's
too long to be barking. Give me 10 years & I'll give you back the other 10."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the 3rd day God created the monkey.  God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span." The
monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog
gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the 4th day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy life,
enjoy. I'll give you 25 years." Man said, "What? Only 25 years! No way, man.
Tell you what, I'll take my 25, & the 35 the cow gave back, & the 10 the dog
gave back & the 10 the monkey gave back, that makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty-five years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy life, and do nothing; for the next thirty-five years we slave in the
sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front
porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.


 

In reply toRe: msg 7
SharpEye1

From: SharpEye1

5/30/17

EVER WONDER...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new &improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?


In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to..what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

In reply toRe: msg 8
SharpEye1

From: SharpEye1

5/30/17

Shocking Overdose Victim:

TOP