George Carlin

1. “I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”

2.“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

3. “I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”

4. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

5. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

6. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

7. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

8. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

9. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavour.”

10. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Lewis Black

“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”

 “In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants.”

 “If you’re working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That’s why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.”

 “Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.”

“I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, ‘fuck’ isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”

. “I’d rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You’re sitting essentially in an out house and it’s 30 below. You’ve cut a hole in the ice, and you’re fishing for fish that you shouldn’t eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.”

Fools speak with certainty , wise men speak with Doubt

Trevor Noah

• “When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.”

• “If he dated you for more than 3 years, slept with you countless times & now he’s asking for a break up, break his neck. God will understand.”

• “If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”

• “Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don’t blame Bruce Jenner at all.”

•  “Does America really need to the best at everything? You already dominate the world in economics, military power and obesity.”

•  “Flying has been particularly stressful for me in the recent months. Flying into America has been the worst. You go through different lines, there’s extra checks. Especially if you come from what they consider a high-risk Ebola region, which apparently is the whole continent – we’re all coughing on each other in one big hut.”

•  “The credits from the second Godfather are better than Godfather III.”

•  “Maybe we need to change who gets the Nobel Peace Prize, and when. Because so many people have won the prize and they’ve benefitted from all of its prestige, and then they’ve gone on to not be peaceful. Like, maybe we should only give the Nobel Peace Prize to people after their career is over and they’ve passed away, right? It’s at the end. We can call it the “Rest in Peace Prize.” Then we know you’re not gonna surprise us, you’re not gonna hurt anyone. Unless someone trips on your grave.”

Bill Hicks

• “If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”

• “If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”

• “Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?”

• “I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”

•  “Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once? ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.'”

•  “It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”

Sounds like our gyms and cable companies