Bill Hicks

• “If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”

• “If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”

• “Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?”

• “I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”

•  “Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once? ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.'”

•  “It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”

Sounds like our gyms and cable companies

Feeding time!

Hey Pav!

I've definitely done exercises 2, 3 and 4.

Step 5 is less of a daily exercise and more of a way of life.

Eddie Izzard

• “If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”

•  “Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. ‘In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal…one horse threw a shoe came in third…the duck was ninth… which is odd, because only five ran.'”

•  “I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

•  “I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.”

•  “If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!”

• “And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.”

•  “There’s two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!”

•  “So I’ve learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you’re very religious, then it’s not 4500 million years old, it’s 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.”

•  “Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”

•  “I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in beeees!”

Well that was quite a delivery!

Robin Williams

• “Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”

•  “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

•  “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

•  “Cricket is basically baseball on valium.”

•  “Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!”

• “If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”

•  “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

•  “Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: ‘You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.’ Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, ‘It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.'”

•  “I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”

•  “I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… a large Arctic region covered with ice.”