When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Age 60 might be thenew 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I run like the winded.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. *******************

**************

 

I would like to add:

When I wake up in the morning I wonder how long it'll be before something pisses me off.

I resemble those remarks.

Remember, if somebody sneezes, be sure to say, "Bless you. And thank God you're wearing a mask." 

Di (amina046) said:

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

So true!

I know, I have a few.

I have a collection!

And a LOT of odd socks.

Yesss!

Let's have some Paraprosdokians 

(W. Chuchill loved them)

 

 Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

  

 The last thing I want to do is hurt you.... but it's still on my list.

  

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  

 If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

  

 We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.

  

 War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

  

 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.   To steal from many is research.

 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.   You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first & call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder & harder for me to find one now.