Confused malcontents swilling Chardonnay while awaiting the Zombie Apocalypse.
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Was the dog trained by the late Sir Edmund Hillary?
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with old people.
It actually derives from a true story, where a man in LA bought a Cadillac on aweekend with a cheque, the next day he called and said he wanted to sell it again because he did not like the colour. The dealer called the police, on Monday the cheque cleared without problems. The maligned client sued the dealer for all he was worth.
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath