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IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL, JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.
I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD. I'M 25 — PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.
BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG. Of COURSE .
VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!
IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.
MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID — AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.
A WISE MAN ONCE SAID … NOTHING
LOL Too Funny. I resemble some of those.
You must be spying on me. KNIMtheTOAD.
All he wanted for Christmas...
1) Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
2) Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
3) Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
4) Q: What do you call a broke Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less
5) Q: Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
A: To keep her off the North Pole.
6) Q: What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?
7) Q: What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
A: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."
8) The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
"Something for my mother, please," she replied.
"Something for your mother? That's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What would you like me to bring her?"
Emily answered quickly, "A son-in-law."
9) Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
10) Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soot's him.
11) Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.
12) Q: What's the difference between Santa and a knight?
A: One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.
13) Q: What did Santa say to his wife?
A: It's going to reindeer.
14) Q: What goes "oh oh oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards.
15) Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
15) Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
A: Because the present's beneath them.
16) Q: Why did the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because his wife was a total flake.
17) Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: A wrapper!
18) Q: What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
19) Q: Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
A: He desperately needed some holiday spirit.
20) Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Their balls are ornamental.