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Post your jokes here   Fun and Games

Started 4/20/18 by PTG (anotherPTG); 239673 views.
In reply toRe: msg 918
LvlSlgr

From: LvlSlgr

May-12

Calvin & Hobbes

May be a cartoon of text that says 'DAD, HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE BABIES? MOST PEOPLE JUST GO TO SEARS, BUY THEKIT, AND FOLLON THE ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTONS. ICAME NO, YOU WERE A DEAR, WHAT ARE FROM BLUE LIGHT SPRCIAL AAUU YOU TELLING AT K MART. SEARS?? AS GOOD, AND A LOT CHEAPER. ALMOST GHHH! CALVIN NOW?! @'

Yesterday I noticed a local bar had expanded its outdoor patio area so I went to their Facebook page to see if anything was posted about it. Nothing there but I did find this........

I'll add them to my Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit................

See the source image

LvlSlgr

From: LvlSlgr

Jun-2

Grandpa and the IRS Auditor

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!  
 

Msg 138.927 deleted
LvlSlgr

From: LvlSlgr

Jun-3

Apologies to anyone who may be a blonde ...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?” 

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.” 

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