Jenifer (Zarknorph)

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Post your jokes here   Fun and Games

Started 4/20/18 by PTG (anotherPTG); 355300 views.
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)


Sorry Ada but this has to be the first joke of today. I will try and wake you when there is something new for you!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.  On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'  The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'  The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'  'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.  On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there in no time.  The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.....  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'  The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!   I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'  The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens!”

The female mind is infinite in ts wisdom!

In reply toRe: msg 13
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)


The second joke of the day is a "literary one"

Bear with me!

Complete or finished ?


No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED". 

However, recently a Linguistics Conference 
was held in London, England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world.


At this conference, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was  the presenter and was asked to make just that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: 
"Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."


"When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. 

When you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. 

And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, 

you are 'Completely Finished'.
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.



In reply toRe: msg 14
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)


try these!


In reply toRe: msg 15
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)


A few bon mots. Some may even be funny!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

1. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room- spinning medicine. 

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
...[Message truncated]
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In reply toRe: msg 15
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)


I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

Jenifer (Zarknorph)

From: Jenifer (Zarknorph)


PTG (anotherPTG) said:

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Love it!

PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)


Let battle commence?

One evening Ron, the old farmer, decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

Seen on some desks:

Out to Lunch

what I have seen of people in this world, for some it should read:

Permanetly Out To Lunch


From: Jackie34918


I'm laughing so much I'm going to have to buy a supply of diapers if I keep reading these jokes!