Something is afoot.

This is NOT Tarquin.

He would never refer to any woman as a "wench", as that is a derogatory term for any female.  He would not even presume that I choose to identify as female!

And Tarquin has excellent oral hygiene.

The cuffs around my wrist are not regulation, and "Tarquin" has not informed me of any of my civil rights, while lecturing me on those that have none.

And where the hell am I?

I could see the friendly, welcoming waves of my Viking friends - even the Berserker, who has always been difficult to strike up a conversation with. 

And then they were gone.  Or I was.  Now I am by a lake being arrested by someone claiming to be Castle Security.

I sigh "Guess I'm off to jail and not getting out of this one".  I need to buy myself time to figure this out.  And fighting will not bring me answers.

Overhead I see Frosty flying away.

What has that IDJIT done?!  He sends me off to blow stuff up at a moments notice, disregarding me when I have no use, and sabotages any attempt I make to carve out a plot for myself.

And now he has thrown me into an unknown place, with an unknown assailant with terrible breath and a motive completely ulterior to law and order.

"CAP! YOU ARE DEAD MEAT AND-"

Right before I lose consciousness a thought runs through my mind.

What happened to the real Tarquin?

In my mind’s eye I am aware of an urgent conversation going on between my two pets.

My beautiful owl is practically incohent with its “coos” and “clicks” while even the crow seems to be squawking in a very un-crow like fashion.

Eventually matters calm down and the crow opens up to me.

“We have lost her!”

“Who is ‘her’?” I ask

“Your bauble bedecked friend

“One minute she was careering on a somewhat irregular manner down to the Vikings and the next moment: POOF! She was gone.

“The rabbit  tracking her has just disappeared down the nearest rabbit hole and the pursuer you call Tarquin has just come up over the rise huffing and puffing.

“He is now jumping up and down incoherent with rage, calling on all his gods to help him find her again!”

Something is afoot!

Well! She can’t just suddenly disappear into thin air. There must be some clue as to what happened.

Unfortunately with all of Tarquin’s current ranting and ravings any such evidence will soon be gone.

Direct action is called for.

I take my broom out of the new garment’s pocket.

“Expand into my luxurious charabanc – the kind I am accustomed to when being transported about the Realm.

“I now need some fire-crackers as a diversion. So off you go and find me some.”

Soon it returns with a cushion full of the little whizz-bangs.

I climb aboard.

“Take me to the rise just behind Tarquin and prepare for a hasty retreat”

I dismount and lay a trail of the fire-crackers back down the hill. They end in a huge snow drift. This I stamp about a bit and make as if someone has recently tunnelled into it.

I light the end fuse and scuttle back to my chariot.

“Skedaddle pronto!”

I soar up into the air and wait.

It is not long before Tarquin, now puce with rage, appears over the horizon and hurls himself into the snowdrift tunnel that I have just made.

Grasping at nothing!!

Dejected he looks around and sees nothing so marches back to his post muttering and cursing. Jen is NOT his favourite person at this moment!

Now it is safe for me to more closely examine the exact spot where Jen disappeared. I kneel down on the frozen ground for traces of any action.

To my surprise I feel a lump grow in my pocket as an ice cold bundle of fur chitters and chatters as it gets warm inside it. It is the Hoppy lookalike rabbit still with note and pencil attached.

My crow is now overhead

It tells me: “Your rabbit is very upset in having failed to accomplish its mission

“A cloud of magic gas descended on your female friend and she suddenly disappeared.

“No warning, and no one else was there or even near her.

“This is dark animal magic that I do not understand, human so I will return to the Tea Room”

And flies off leaving me with one shivering bundle of fur to warm up!

And me in a pickle.

We need a conference back at home base so I magicked my shoes and in a twinkle of an eye am once more sitting at the table in the Tea Room.

I awake in the dark.

Did someone mention a pickle?

I wait for my eyes to adjust, but there is no light to focus on anywhere.

I grope the floor "Excuse me", and crawl gingerly forward.  Then I remember it has been a long time since I could get to a hairdresser, so I must resign myself to crawl in a more brunette fashion.

The floor is hard dirt, and fairly even.  I finally reach a wall.  Rocky.  I can't tell if it is constructed or natural.  But it is not Stallone or wearing tight gold shorts.

I am barefoot and my clothes are in tatters, but I am not cold.

Am I dead again?

I slowly stand, then reach upward.  The ceiling is jagged rock.

I can hear a lone drip coming from somewhere in the distance.

A cave?

Are there caves beneath the tunnels?

And I just blew up the tunnels on the whim of an idiot.

"Aw crap".

There is no echo at all in my voice.  Odd.

Unless...

I have been sealed in.

My groping becomes more frantic, "So sorry!", as I hunt for any sign of an entry point.  "Forgive the double entendre!"

The wall soon becomes large stones, spilling down along the floor.  This must be it.

I cannot see.  I have no idea what will happen if I move just one stone.  I don't even know if I can.

Damned if I do, definitely damned if I don't.

I grope some more "Well, maybe you're acting a little slutty - there, I said it!" until I find a rock with a little wiggle.

I prepare my stance for a quick pivot, then grasp the stone as surely as I can.  With as much strength as I can muster I roll the rock toward me and jump to the right.

I hear it clunk pathetically to the dirt.  Then nothing.

"Oh for fuck's sake!"

A trickle of pebbles becomes a flow of stones and then a cascade of rocks.  I scramble further away and cover myself as best as I can. 

Dust and dirt fill the air, making me cough.  I remember to use my elbow.  I'd hate to be responsible for an epidemic.

Finally things settle and I can see a sliver of light.

As elated as I am to have the illumination, it has unfortunately shown me the mammoth task ahead if I have any hope of clearing the path to my freedom.

I decide to rest and wait to see if the commotion was noticed by anyone I may not wish to meet on the other side of the cave-in.

Cap’n Bob is at present berating me for being stupid and showing lack of leadership!

“You have found nothing, have no thoughts about anything relevant and no plan for doing anything useful”.

That is a bit unfair!

I retort:

”I defy YOU to tell me where she is then! You were the one to give her the option to blow everything up!

“Let us sit down calmly and try to work out a time-line and then we may find out where she is at the moment.

“Angel, you get us a flip-chart and marker pen and we will try to work out the sequence of events”

She scuttles off to her cubby hole which also serves as a stationary cupboard and is soon back with her tools of the trade.

”Now first of all Cap’n – what did YOU do?”

All I get as an answer is a load of incohent expletives on how our partner blew up everything up ON HIS INSTRUCTIONS and caused the gnomes to rub their hands with glee at the thought of all the extra paid work at HIS expense!

“OK! Now for Jen’s part in all this. What happened next?”

The Cap’n is still in full flow and continues

“When she emerged from the bowels of the earth having ‘tidied up’ part of them, she was not well pleased when denied a replacement set of clothes at Kayley’s because of YOUR trick!

“She did not object to the fact that Charlie had miscalculated the amount of explosive to be installed in one place!”

“It is not MY fault Kayley refused to serve her with replacement clothing. THAT was your doing PTG!

“She then went off in a huff because she thought we did not value her talents sufficiently

“It is also NOT MY Fault that some prison guards happened by pure chance to be around when she emerged from that hole and was caught and incarcerated after a very vociferous altercation with one of them”.

Now we are getting to the interesting bit!

I get hold of the marker pen and scribble on the chart: NEXT!

“After a while the guard arresting her emerged and was pounced on by Frosty and dumped in the eel’s moat, which the builders have recently widened into a small lake.

“Shortly afterwards a VERY disgruntled Jen replete with convicts clothing slunk back out of the guards tunnel and hot footed it over the hill.

“Before being captured she had had the foresight to hide her stache of XXXX Ale and this she now retrieved.

“She had a ‘few jars’ to strengthen her resolve, replete with burps and other flatulent noises, gathered up her belongings and fled towards Valhalla.

“This is where I took over and sent the Hoppy-lookalike complete with note and pencil after her"

And we all know what happened next, or do we?

"On her way there she simply vanished in the snow and ice with our guard Tarquin in hot pursuit. but did NOT disappear but continued to search for her.

"Frosty and the other dragons were elsewhere as they had 'done their job' on the guard"

Who else is there that can contribute, I muse?

My pet crow chimes in: “well there is the rabbit here in your pocket; ask her!”

It is now warm and well fed with more carrots from the kitchen.

Since Charlie has not interfered to protect it, I feel able to quiz a little.

“What occurred as you followed Jen?”

The crow transposes the rabbit’s thinking into my head and I am able to understand a little more about was had transpired.

In the air above Jen and following her was a greenish grey mist

The rabbit shudders at the recollection of it, and screams at me: ”EVIL MAGIC!”

Charlie is at my side in an instant.

“What are you doing you torturing oaf!”

“Oh! sit down woman and don’t get your knickers in a twist! All I am asking is a few simple questions.

“And now I have some of the answers!”

A magical greenish grey mist that must have come from the Northern Lands or Bone Kingdom.

“We need information and must consult the library.

“Angel look into the Northern Lands and I’ll look into the Bone Kingdom  tomes.

“We need a spell that transfers such mist into clones, zombies or doppelgangers!”

It is just then that Cap’n Bob gets a message from Frosty:

“Rider. There is such a mist over area just blown up. It is oozing from deep in the ground and spreading out over the hills.”

“WeE need to neutralize it but how!”

Angel grins and comes up with a proposal:

“We give it sprinkles!”

Has she gone stark raving mad?

She looks at me with disdain and continues:

“No, you fool – not sprinkles - sweets but sprinkles - lights

“Each light will cancel the effect of the mist until we get a cloudless sky again”

Ah! I wish we had Grim or Roo Roo here since this area is their expertise.

What would they do?

I vaguely remember Chu Seok (the Korean New Year celebrations) from the tower of the Castle.

Firework rockets! BIG ones.

Time to sift through some catalogues and get one or two ordered.

Get them to Jen as she is in the right place (in the centre of the hiatus) to set them off.

We now  have a Cunning Plan!

And this will restore our usual law and disorder in the Realm

It will also sort Jen out for further escapades since she is the one that will set off all of these!

The tunnel behind Jen will act as the launching pad.

the Result:

“So what do you all think to my idea?

“Any other ideas?

“We must find Jen and give her the details of our conclusions and help her decide how she is going to escape from her present incarceration

“I am sure we have the means to track her, Charlie? Whether on the surface or underground, she can’t be far away surely

“ We will go ahead and purchase the firework bombs if that meets your approval Capn’ Bob?”

THE ONLY TRACKER I HAVE THAT FILLS THE BILL IS GHOST PUP.   THE MIST WILL HAVE NO EFFECT ON HIM.  HE CAN GO TO WHERE JEN IS EVEN IF SHE IS IN A TUNNEL.  WALLS AND ROCK ARE NO PROBLEM FOR HIM.

THE DOWN SIDE IS IT I WILL HAVE TO BE THE GO BETWEEN HIM AND YOU OR WHOEVER IS LEADING THIS RECOVERY OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.   HE CAN NOT WEAR AN AMULET AND IS NOT CHIPPED.  THEY WOULD FALL TO THE GROUND HE HAS NO SOLID FORM.  

SO IT IS GHOST PUP OR NONE.

AFTER HEARING ALL THE ACCUSATIONS ABOUT  WHO DID WHAT AND WHO WAS TO BLAME,, I CLAMP ME TEETH TOGETHER AS NOT TO JUMP ON PTG AND RIP OFF HIS FACE.

HE NEVER EVER OWNS UP TO WHEN HE F***/S UP.

I HOLD UP MY HAND AND SLAM THE PAD DOWN AND SAY OKAY LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

CHARLIE WHERE DID YOU HID THE VERY LARGE STASH OF BOMBS AND GUN POWDER BULLETS AND TNT?

WELL IN A PLACE I KNEW NO ONE WOULD LOOK NOT EVEN OPEL OR MISS KATT.

I PUT ALL OF IT IN BARRELS AND PUT IT UNDER THE KITCHEN FLOOR BACK UP AGAINST THE WALL SO OPEL OR MISS KATT WOULD NOT MISTAKE IT FOR BACKING/COOKING GOODS THEN PUT THE REAL BARRELS IN FRONT .

WHO KNEW JEN WOULD GO SNOOPING AND FIND THEM AND WHO KNEW SHE HAS MATCHES ON HER?

I LOOK AT PTG?? SO MY FAULT HUH?

YES I GAVE HER ORDERS TO BLOW UP THE TUNNELS BUT DID SHE COME TO ME AND ASK FOR THE PLANS AS TO WHERE SHE WAS TO BLOW UP ???

ANYWAY IT IS DONE NOW WE HAVE TO FIX THIS MESS === AGAIN

OKAY PTG ORDER THE FIREWORKS AND NOW TO FIND JEN HUM

THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER TO THIS,,,,, CHARLIE DO YOU TRUST PTG WITH GHOST PUP?

HE CAN GO SEARCH EVERYWHERE WE CAN NOT.

BUT MY QUESTION CHARLIE IS HOW DO WE KNOW WHERE HE IS AND IF HE FOUND JEN?

YOU CAN NOT GO.... i CAN NOT SEE NOR UNDERSTAND HIM..... NOR ANGEL... BUT ONE OF US HAS TO BE THERE

SO IT IS UP TO YOU CHARLIE MAY WE USE WHAT LOOKS LIKE OUR ONLY LIFE LINE TO FINDING JEN AND WHO WILL GO WITH HIM AND ONE OF US YOU DECIDE.

PTG GET THAT ORDER IN ASAP

I LOOKED AT THE CAP.   I DON'T ,   NOT EVEN WITH HIS BROOM WHY THAT SILLY THING STAY WITH HIM I DO NOT KNOW.    

THEN I LOOKED AT PTG,  YOU WILL NOT SEE, NOR CAN YOU HEAR WHAT GHOST PUP SAYS.  I CAN.   YOU WILL KNOW WHERE HE IS AND WHICH WAY TO GO BY WHERE HE RUBS AGAINST YOUR LEG.  IF THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLY TO YOU PTG THEN ONE OF THE BIG CATS WILL GO WITH YOU.  THE MIST CAN NOT HARM THEM THEY ARE IMMORTAL.   THEY CAN HEAR GHOST PUP AND THEY ARE CHIPPED.  I RARELY HAVE TO USE MY AMULET WITH THEM SINCE THEY NEVER BOTH LEAVE ME UNGUARDED. 

NOW WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER PTG.   JUST GHOST PUP OR GHOST PUP AND A LARGE CAT ?

The work is slow and laborious.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere, but more confidant that no one is around.

My hands are bloody and bruised, but I have to keep working.

There is a satisfying tumble of several large stones, revealing a gap I may be able to squeeze through.

I begin to carefully creep my way up the barricade, wary of causing a cascade that would take me with it.

Then I hear sharp shouting.

"No, you need to show me identification!  All palace guards are bound by the civil rights of the denizens protection act to properly identify themselves- Ow! That hurt!  Now that was COMPLETELY inappropriate! Conscientious objection should always be considered and valued- HEY!  Alright. I am sorry I have to do this, but I suspect you are not a Palace Guard at all.  Now, I would never presume that anyone in a different socio-economic threshold could not acquire any position they applied for, but your uniform appears to be ill-fitting and torn.  I don't want to money shame you, or imply that you cannot take care of your uniform, but in this case-"

And Tarquin is knocked out.

The plot thickens.  Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

I stay still and silent for a full five minutes before continuing my ascent to freedom.

The gap is narrow, but my waifish figure squeezes through just in time for another crashing rockslide.

Half my remaining tutu is torn and sent down into the pile behind me.  The blood from my hands glistens on the lighter stones.  Anyone who came across this scene would assume I was crushed beneath it.

Good.  My captors thinking I'm dead buys me time.

Several unlit torches are housed upside down in a barrel full of pitch.  I take one and light it from the brazier nearby.

This was the source of light I had.  Not daylight.  Not freedom.  Just more caves.

I can see Tarquin chained to a wall, unconscious.  There is a deep pool of water in the centre of the cavern.  I quench my thirst.  It is the most beautifully pure water I have ever tasted.

There are several tunnels leading in all directions from the central chamber.

I was unconscious when I was brought here.  Tarquin was not. 

I need him if I am going to escape.

I sigh.  "God Dammit".