Confused malcontents swilling Chardonnay while awaiting the Zombie Apocalypse.
I didn't know The Onion had bought ABC.
It's Intermarche who's nuts.
Chinese authorities are cracking down on the practice of hiring strippers as funeral entertainment, a technique some rural families use to increase the turnout at a loved one's final farewell.
The country's Ministry of Culture said late last month it would be targeting "striptease" and other "obscene, pornographic and vulgar performances" at funerals and other gatherings across Henan, Anhui, Jiangsu and Hebei provinces.
It has urged witnesses to call a special hotline to report any performances, with rewards on offer for informants, according to the state-run Global Times newspaper.
"The crowd is pushed to climax, roaring with laughter, whistling, applauding and cursing," state media said.
"As the performers saunter into the audience to jiggle their breasts and rub men's crotches, a reminder of 'no photographs allowed' can occasionally be heard."
Hiring entertainment for funerals is a longstanding practice in rural China, as ensuring a high number of mourners attend the ceremony is a way of showing respect to the dead, the Global Times reported.
"Chinese rural households are more inclined to show off their disposable incomes by paying out several times their annual income for actors, singers, comedians, and — most recently, strippers — to comfort the bereaved and entertain the mourners," state media said.
This is also not the first time China has tried to stamp out the practice.
In 2015 two villages in the provinces of Hebei and Jiangsu made headlines with viral photos of strippers at funerals inviting "grieving" men to come on stage and undress them — seniors and children are seen standing nearby watching attentively.
The Ministry of Culture also released a similar statement to this report in 2015 describing the hiring of strippers at funerals as "uncivilised", Xinhua news agency reported at the time.
Models have strutted the runway carrying replicas of their own severed heads in Gucci's operating room-themed show at Milan Fashion Week.
The show space was ready for a fashion emergency — complete with surgical tables, overhead LED lamps, PVC-coated walls and floors, and panic bars on fire doors.
Audience members, including Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour, were seated on replica waiting room plastic chairs.
"The concept of the operating room reflects the work of a designer — the act of cutting, splicing and reconstructing materials and fabrics to create a new personality and identity with them," Gucci said in a Facebook post.
The show, called "sensational — in a disturbing and creepy way" by Vogue, also featured a model wearing a third eye, one carrying a sleeping baby dragon and another cradling a snake that was perfectly colour-coordinated with her outfit.
I only saw ONE thing less awful than the severed heads. A plain white hoodie.
A gigantic chicken egg laid with a smaller egg inside it has baffled a poultry expert, who says he has never seen the phenomenon before.
The babushka egg was laid by a free-range chicken at the Stockman's Eggs on the Atherton Tablelands, west of Cairns, in far north Queensland.
The farm said the egg weighed 176 grams, more than three times the size of an average egg.
When it was cracked, they discovered a second smaller egg sitting inside.
Associate Professor Raf Freire from Charles Sturt University's veterinary sciences school said he had never seen anything like it before.
"To be honest, I don't really know how it's come about," he said. Professor Freire said it looked like the chicken had produced an egg as normal, but for some reason it was never laid.
"Then the next day, rather than that egg being laid, like it usually is, what's happened is that there's been another ovum released."
"That's come down and then the chicken has somehow decided to make its shell around both the previous day's egg and the new ovum that's come down.
The farmers have not revealed how the chicken is faring.
Not well, I would imagine.
Watch the video here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-03-07/man-gets-hit-by-own-car-in-police-chase/9522866
A Virginia man has given an example of how not to run from the police.
Police released dashcam footage of the drunk driver getting hit by his own car as he got out and tried to escape.
Fairfax County Police said the incident happened at about 1:00am Sunday morning (local time) as they tried pulling the man over for an equipment violation.
In the video, 30-year-old Isaac Bonsu is seen jumping out of his car and starting to run off.
He is then immediately run over by his own car as it continues to drive around a corner.
Police said Bonsu neglected to put the car in park in his haste.
Officers said the man was unharmed and is charged with driving under the influence of alcohol and possession of marijuana, among other violations.
A Perth family has made an extraordinary historical discovery after becoming bogged on a West Australian beach.
Tonya Illman was walking across sand dunes just north of Wedge Island, 180 kilometres north of Perth, when she noticed something sticking out of the sand.
"It just looked like a lovely old bottle, so I picked it up thinking it might look good in my bookcase," she said.
But Mrs Illman realised she had likely uncovered something far more special when out fell a damp, rolled up piece of paper tied with string.
Between 1864 until 1933, thousands of bottles were thrown overboard from German ships, each containing a form on which the captain would write the date, the ship's coordinates and details about its route.
It was part of an experiment by the German Naval Observatory to better understand global ocean currents.
On the back, the messages asked the finder to write when and where the bottle had been found and return it, either to the German Naval Observatory in Hamburg or the nearest German Consulate.
The Illmans took their find to the Western Australian Museum, where assistant curator of maritime archaeology Ross Anderson conducted a series of investigations.
He determined it was a mid-to-late 19th-century Dutch gin bottle, and the form inside was written on cheaply-made 19th-century paper.
The colleagues compared handwriting samples from the form and the captain's entries in Paula's meteorological journal.
"Extraordinary finds need extraordinary evidence to support them," Dr Anderson said.
"Incredibly, there was an entry for June 12, 1886, made by the captain, recording a drift bottle having been thrown overboard.
"The date and the coordinates correspond exactly with those on the bottle message.
"The handwriting is identical in terms of cursive style, slant, font, spacing, stroke emphasis, capitalisation and numbering style."
Discovered 132 years after it was tossed overboard, it is the oldest-known message in a bottle in the world.
A Mount Isa man has caused an explosion while trying to spray cockroaches in his kitchen using an insect spray as a flamethrower.
Police and fire crews were called to the incident at a home on Abel Smith Parade about 8:00pm on Wednesday.
Queensland Fire and Emergency Services said the man suffered lacerations to his head and hand from shrapnel caused by the explosion.
He was taken to the Mount Isa Hospital.
Several other people were also in the house but were not injured.
Station officer Ian Louden said they believed the man ignited a can and a half of insect spray while trying to burn the cockroaches, causing windows to shatter and significant damage to the kitchen and walls of the house.
He said pest spray has clear labels warning against exposing them to a naked flame.
"The instructions are put on these things for a purpose and if failure to follow them can result in as it did in this case extreme damage to the property," he said.
"The people are very lucky that there wasn't serious injury or death."
"He was the only one injured.
"The explosion, for want of a better term, remained in the kitchen-lounge room area.
Neighbour Kerrod Karkadoo said the explosion made everything vibrate.
"We were just sitting out and having a few beers and we just heard 'boohowww'," he said.
"There was a bloke walking around, holding his face."
Now that's how men handle things. Australian men, anyway. Queensland men.
Greece has indefinitely suspended its top soccer league, a day after the owner of PAOK Thessaloniki marched onto the field carrying a gun following a disputed goal in a match.
FIFA urged Greek authorities to take swift action against PAOK owner Ivan Savvidis or face a possible suspension.
Savvidis walked onto the field twice accompanied by bodyguards, and appeared to be carrying a pistol in a holster around his waist.
He made no move to use the weapon at any time.
Fernando Varela had just scored in the 90th minute on Sunday for PAOK against AEK Athens, putting the hosts ahead 1-0 in the northern city of Thessaloniki.
The referee signalled a goal but then seemed to disallow it for offside. The match was eventually abandoned.