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Alexandra's Quit Story   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 9/23/15 by alEXsmoker (afrancis333); 38076 views.
alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-9

Hey Brenda, 

Sending love your way.  This effin' sucks.  I am tired from all the funeral stuff and now I'm just supposed to go on living like nothing happened?  I'm so angry.  I'm typing on here because I'm about to walk into a meeting and I want a cig SO bad.  BUT I know my dad wouldn't have wanted that.  He died 21 years sober and 8 years smoke free.  I want to honor his memory.  It is SO hard right now.  I do NOT want to feel sad.  I am just now being about to cry for the first time since the funeral.  So many people showed up to his funeral.  He was so admired and loved.  I miss him so much.  I'm so glad 2019 is over.  Eff that year.  Okay, I suppose I better go in before I miss the meeting.  Love you.  Hoping you're well and can feel this virtual hug.  

In reply toRe: msg 305
alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-10

Just posting, just to post.  I feel like this is the best way to get out my emotions.  It is just weird.  Life is weird.  Everything is such a rush and then you die.  Like, what the &*%# !?  I guess I'm just in the middle of a ton of emotions that are all over the place - which I hear is normal.  Which is weird too.  And I don't like it.  I just want to be numb.  

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-10

Oh Alex, I got your hug and I understand exactly what you are feeling.  I go from being numb to a sobbing wreck.  It amazes me how quickly our lives can change and we have no control over it.  My partner's name was Pete and I loved him dearly.  He was 63 and I thought I would have another 20 years with him.  But life decided different.  He smoked heavily but was cutting down, hoping to quit.  I don't know if he would have quit or not, but 63 is way too young. Now I am trying to relearn how to live my life without him and your right, it sucks big time.  But I have not smoked and for that I am grateful.  I think he would be proud of me.....I sure do hurt right now, but I will continue on.  I have my Mom and little dog to care for, so I must be strong and keep going.  Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man and I know he would be so proud of you.  Maybe that is why we are here and that is to keep their memory alive ?  I don't know but I keep going forward and both these men will always be loved by us.  Love and hugs to you, Alex.

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-13

I'm grateful to be smoke free too.  They would've wanted that for us.  Love you Angel Pete and Angel Joe!  We know you're shining down on us.  

Yes 63 is way too young.  

I have my brothers and my mom as well as my husband and daughters and our dog William.  I told my husband I feel like I just leveled up if that makes sense?  Like, now I have more responsibilities and I must trudge forward for the sake of the rest of my family.  I have to be a real adult now; no more safety net.  

I want to say, "The Lord is my strength," or "God will get me thru," or some other canned answer for life's troubles, but I feel like that is insufficient.  It seems more appropriate to say something like, "We're making it thru one day at a time.  Some days are OK.  Other days are not.  And it is still all OK.  And it is OK to miss our angels."  Not short and sweet, but realistic I guess.  LOL.  xoxo

In reply toRe: msg 308
alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-15

Just posting to do it right now.  I have moments when I want to go back and look at the emails my dad sent me.  I look back like, "What was the last thing I said to him?"  Then come feelings of guilt that I didn't talk to him enough in the last few months - busy with the kids.  Then I have feelings of missing him.  Then I may be angry he's gone.  LOTS of emotions every day.  And I never know what is going to hit when.  Interwoven between these emotions are logistical stuff I have to help my mom with - which can be overwhelming, but to be honest, I am happy to be busy for the distraction.  *breathing heavy*  I supposed its okay to just have feelings and to keep going on.  Now I'm crying.  Geez.  Okay.  Moving on.  Will be back later.

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-15

alexisfree said:

"We're making it thru one day at a time.  Some days are OK.  Other days are not.  And it is still all OK.  And it is OK to miss our angels." 

This is all we can do, Alex.  One day at a time with our grief and with quitting smoking.  Big hugs being sent to you, my friend. 

Belinda2019

From: Belinda2019

Jan-18

Big hugs to both of you xxxx

CC to alexisfree
Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-19

Thank you, Belinda.  Love the new pic.  heart_eyes

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-20

Thank you, Belinda.

In reply toRe: msg 313
alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-20

Just posting here to post some stuff in my head.  My faith is wavering.  I am very angry.  Like, how could he leave without saying goodbye?  We think he knew he was going to die because of some activity on his accounts prior to his death - what the heck Dad?!  Why wouldn't you at least call me to say goodbye?  Am I not worth it?  I can't even listen to the same music anymore.  I used to have all this faith in God and now I'm just so disconnected.  Why would my dad leave like this?  I thought we had a better relationship than that.  I so wish I had gone home for Christmas.  I know it is not helpful to dwell on the past because that cannot be changed, but I'm just typing out what I'm thinking honestly because I don't know what else to do.  This is the worst feeling ever.  And my head is constantly full of chatter and I am barely able to think to do my work.  All the memories of my childhood are flooding back to me and I am unable to feel "blessed" or "spiritual".  I'm just angry.  Some of it is anger that now I have to be the adult and I don't want anymore responsibility.  I liked being taken care of.  That's selfish, but it is how I feel.  And I'm so MAD AT HIM FOR NOT SAYING GOODBYE.  Hmph!  Guess I wasn't worth it.  F*&% it.

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