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Hazardous Materials Information Sheet   The Jovial You: Humor, Jokes and Riddles

Started Jul-15 by WALTER784; 119 views.
WALTER784

From: WALTER784

Jul-15

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet
(Materials Safety Data Sheet)

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for A$$Hole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a god.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Ote damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red).
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
b) De-activates in recliner position.
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

FWIW

 

EdGlaze

From: EdGlaze

Jul-17

Chemical Analysis of a Woman

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam

Quantitative analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.

Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredicable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural state the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical properties: Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage: The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests: Specimen turns rosy tint if discovered in raw natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

Chemical Analysis of a Man

Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)
Discoverer: Eve

Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet way 200+ Kg.

Occurance: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)

Physical properties: Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.

Chemical properties: All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existent to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analyst) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

Storage: Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...

Tests: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

___________

Yet another version:

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00219266.1983.9654506?journalCode=rjbe20

WALTER784

From: WALTER784

Jul-17

LOL...

Thanks... I always wondered if there was one for women too.

Now I know. (* CHUCKLE *)

FWIW

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