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Lawyer Humor 2   The Jovial You: Humor, Jokes and Riddles

Started Sep-24 by WALTER784; 51 views.
WALTER784

From: WALTER784

Sep-24

Lawyer Humor 2
 
Lawyers in Japan
 
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
 
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating, and permanent.
 
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
 
The decline has begun.
 
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
 
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
 
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?
 
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
 
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
 
When asked, "What is a contigent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
 
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's strange!"
 
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
 
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.
 
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
 
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
 
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux
 
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
 
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
 
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara
 
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - ibid
 
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
 
The trouble with the legal profession is that 99% of its members give the rest a bad name.
 
At a conventio
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