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New Life clashes w/Old Life   General Chit-Chat

Started Nov-27 by DJ (colbymorty); 541 views.
DJ (colbymorty)

From: DJ (colbymorty)

Nov-27

I am heading back to Oregon soon.   My trip here to San Francisco was really nice except for my visit with my friends. 

I couldn't really be completely my authentic self around my friends.  They have certain standards, highly successful.  These were my closest friends for 15 years.  You would think they new me but they didn't.  I kept my smoking a secret.  

I moved away. I was isolated.  I started smoking and drinking heavily.  Hit a wall. Stopped . Awoke a different person. Lessons learned. I have to be my authentic self. I can't keep up lies of being healthy when I am not.    Whenever I visit SF a gathering is planned.  I hate it.

I have to pretend to be happy . show a good face. Inside I am miserable. I don't know them anymore and they don't know me.  They planned a gathering for me on Saturday. I didn't want to be there.  I had a melt down.   I couldn't stop crying. I was a complete bummer

I did have some wine which wasn't helpful maybe too much. They were scared and worried for me.  I am no longer that strong happy person.   I have nothing to offer.   I am too needy.  This group has gone through a lot 2 of my friends have cancer.  One of my friends has terminal cancer.  They have gone through deaths and changes also.  I love them all.   I am caught between two worlds. The old and the new.   Can't go back. Move forward.  Stay healthy,  forgive myself.  Be gentle.   They have called a meeting.  Yikes.  I won't smoke.  Although I feel like it all of the sudden.  

ModAndrea

From: ModAndrea

Nov-27

(((DJ))) I am sorry that your friends don't understand how you feel. You can choose not to meet with the whole group at once. Be up front that you have quit smoking recently and are protecting your quit. I realize this is about far more than smoking. 

DJ (colbymorty) said:

I won't smoke.

In spite of all this visit is bringing up for you, you are continuing to remain smoke free. Hang in there, DJ. No matter how this interaction with old friends is making you feel, remember you are stronger than you think. Life changed radically for you. Mistakes were made. But here you are doing one of the most difficult things anyone can do and succeeding.

When you return to Oregon, it might be a good idea to arrange for help in reconciling your two worlds. You deserve to find peace as you move forward.

Please stick close to the forum and keep posting, DJ.

Hugs,

Andrea

ModDee

From: ModDee

Nov-27

DJ (colbymorty) said:

I couldn't really be completely my authentic self around my friends.

DJ, I'm so sorry you're in this tough situation right now.  It's important that you find a way to live your authentic self. Just wanted to share some words of encouragement I read not too long ago that hit home for me.

"You are not a pretzel.  Don't twist yourself into who you think people want you to be - just to make them happy- which then makes your soul feel all twisty like. Be who you are. Make your soul happy

                                                                                            ~Author unknown

"Living a lie - pretending everything is fine when we are actually discontented - is hard work and in the long run, even bad for our health.  We pay a high price for compromising on this honesty - and neglecting ourselves.  Finding our inner passion, our mission in life and connecting with who we really are, our spiritual being or our higher self - this is the key to success and fulfillment.  Our 'soul' purpose is our sole purpose in life

                                                                                             ~Kristiane Backer

Best wishes

In reply toRe: msg 3
DJ (colbymorty)

From: DJ (colbymorty)

Nov-27

Hi Dee,

  I was using up all my energy to be a pretzel which was jeopardizing my quit and self preservation. 

I need a quiet room without other voices telling me who I am.   I have to figure that out for myself.

Thank you for this post.  Missing Maya Angelou.  I met her when I was in college.  I was in awe. 

Hugs back to you-

Deanne 

DJ (colbymorty)

From: DJ (colbymorty)

Nov-27

Good morning Andrea, 

I am going to find help when I get home.  #1 bereavement counseling.  I have been on the forum all morning. 

Hanging on tight.  I feel safe being vulnerable here.  Thanks for your post, throwing me a lifeline.

Hugs back.

Deanne 

ModAndrea

From: ModAndrea

Nov-27

I have to remind myself of this from time to time. blush

Be gentle with yourself, Deanne. This too will pass.

ModSue (VentasSue)

From: ModSue (VentasSue)

Nov-29

Hey Deanne

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but still think that it is an important phase of your life.

Truly do not worry about your friends in SF.  You have not failed them but have shown them the vulnerable 'you'.  I am 100% sure that any of them who are real friends will understand that you can't be strong and happy the whole time and will just be concerned for your welfare.  They, too, are human and none of us are perfect.

You are doing great in not smoking but also in discovering the 'real' you.  It's a painful process and we often need a little assistance even if it's just someone to listen to us.  That's what this forum is here for so never hesitate to come here and say exactly how you're feeling.  Don't forget that you're fighting an addiction and learning who you are all at the same time.  When you come out the other side - and you will - you won't regret doing either.

DJ (colbymorty)

From: DJ (colbymorty)

Nov-29

Hi  Sue,

You nailed it.  I am addicted to smoking the ritual/nicotine the drug.  It has been integrated in my body, mind and soul. I tried my first cigarette at 11 years old.  This experience has been challenging but a relief that I don't have to hide anymore. This forum gives me permission to be honest.  What a relief. 

It's raw emotion.  It is scary to be exposed.   I am going to keep working hard at this.  I am learning. 

Bonus.  Getting on line to play word games with a friend. No introduction needed.  To  be nurtured by caring people who want to help others.   

I am not alone. This forum has saved my life. I am grateful.   

Thank you Sue for your kind words.  

Have a wonderful smoke free day

Deanne

ModSue (VentasSue)

From: ModSue (VentasSue)

Nov-29

Hey Deanne

It's raw emotion.  It is scary to be exposed.   I am going to keep working hard at this.  I am learning. 

You've described it perfectly.  I remember thinking that it was like being a teenager again - never quite knowing who or what I was.  I also had to learn how far I could go with my new self-assurance.  Sometimes, I would be a little too forthright with people and upset them.  Again, just like a teenager would.

You will learn and you will find it worthwhile, though.  You're doing great.

KalyaRed

From: KalyaRed

Nov-30

Hi DJ

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

I watched a video by Joel Spitzer the other day.

I was feeling depressed and lost. I've chain smoked for so long I feel like a fake when I quit. My assertive words don't come out as easily, my defiant body posture is suddenly gone and I feel like I turn from the bad girl I'm used to see myself as to a little girl lost in a grownups game. 

That video was a blessing! It said that after you quit you're going to take time to come back to your normal you, but don't expect to come back to the person you were before smoking. Years have passed and there's now a new you waiting to be discovered. 

I realised I was expecting too much. Of course we're going to be lost for a while. 

Of course it's scary: as Sue says, you'll be a teenager again learning how to act, react and behave. But there's a positive side: you know better now, and you get to chose which kind of grownup you want to be. Don't worry about disappointing people. If someone's disappointed by getting to know the real you, they're worth disappointing. 

Be brave. We can only imagine what's on the other side of addiction and my guess is it will be wonderful!

Sending you hugs across the ocean! 

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