Great post Alex !  Another day of victory and a lot to be grateful for. You are getting sooo smart !   

Haha, thanks Brenda.  I honestly feel like I'm losing my sh*& over here, but I appreciate your support!  Thank you!!

 OK I just took an early lunch break because I am dying. The self-pity thoughts, the exhaustion, the constant coughing...I’m so over it.

About to take a nap in my car.  Hmph!

Nap was good.  Feeling a little better.  I just did one of the missions in my Smoke Free App.  Day 20 actually - yay!  The mission was to sit in a comfy chair, put your feet up, and think of how far you've come.  While I was sitting all sorts of weird things went thru my mind.  However, what really stuck in the last minute or so was this thought:  "Its okay to be you.  Its all alright."  Flashes of scenes from my childhood came over me and I realized - I'm ok just as I am.  I don't have to be anyone else.  Nothing is missing.  I don't need to add a cigarette to be cooler.  I don't need to add a drink to "loosen up".  I am perfectly who God created me to be.  And I am unlearning coping mechanisms that helped me get thru childhood that no longer serve me today.  All is well.  I may cry again.  Okay it went away.  (deep breath)  Quitting definitely isn't for sissies, but it is not impossible.  We are totally doing this thing together and I'm so proud of all of us newies that have the guts to come back again and again to try and fight for our lives.  What a terrible, terrible addiction.  I hate it.  And I hate sickarettes.  I love myself today.  The end.

*fans self* omigosh verklempt. Thank you so much, Alex, for showing me maybe it's possible for me to get there, too.

Great post, Alex.  Imagine that, we are okay just like we are.....it's quite liberating.  Great post !!

Alex, bravo. Today I am emotional too. This will pass also.

Thank you so much.  I changed my username.  I think a lot of healing took place yesterday.  Why in the WORLD did I choose to go thru this again?  Stupid effin' addiction!!!  I told myself I could quit again b/c I did it before.  Truth is, it has taken me 6 YEARS to get my real quit mindset back.  I was first determined b/c my husband said we could get pregnant if I quit - and now that daughter is 4 years old and she has seen me smoke!  Ugh.  That was my first real effort since being a teenager.  I quit for a year.  And then I went back to slavery, guilt, hating myself every time I lit up, trying to quit again, not really meaning it, off the wagon, on the wagon.  I need to protect this quit with my life.  It is WAY too easy to let this thing creep in again.  I hate it.  And I hate sickarettes.  Time to take my life back once and for all.  I read thru my quit journal last night - looking at the patterns of behavior and triggers.  Re-reading the suggested articles.  A few things I learned. 

1. Do NOT try to beat this addiction by myself.  I need all the help I can get. 
2. Do NOT just isolate in my own journal - seek out newbies and help out - we're all in this together. 
3. POST when I'm feeling anything - I'm new to feeling so I need a place to process.
4. Do NOT smoke - no matter what.  Scream, kick, make a fool out of myself, but for God's sake just don't take a puff - it won't help ANYTHING.
5. Be GRATEFUL - maybe a little less complaining and a little more gratitude / normal conversation.
6. Get a new coping mechanism for my anger issues.  Jesus help me.  I'm thinking deep breathing as a good first step.  And journaling.  Maybe just get up from the stressful situation and start running until I can't run anymore.  At least it will wear me out!  Ha!

This is quit is a challenge, but this challenge is making me stronger.  I'm eating sour Skittles right now.  Time for a meeting at work.  Check in later.  

Alex, 

I really like the new user name, kinda says it all, ALEX IS FREE. I think you are right, a lot of healing took place yesterday and you made it through victorious. It took me 8 years to get back to this mindset so I understand exactly what you meant. I think I learned a lot from you yesterday, because in talking with you, I had to process my feelings about it all.  I have to protect my quit at all costs, no matter what and I think that was reinforced a little more yesterday.  So glad we both made it through yesterday and are stronger today.