Nap was good.  Feeling a little better.  I just did one of the missions in my Smoke Free App.  Day 20 actually - yay!  The mission was to sit in a comfy chair, put your feet up, and think of how far you've come.  While I was sitting all sorts of weird things went thru my mind.  However, what really stuck in the last minute or so was this thought:  "Its okay to be you.  Its all alright."  Flashes of scenes from my childhood came over me and I realized - I'm ok just as I am.  I don't have to be anyone else.  Nothing is missing.  I don't need to add a cigarette to be cooler.  I don't need to add a drink to "loosen up".  I am perfectly who God created me to be.  And I am unlearning coping mechanisms that helped me get thru childhood that no longer serve me today.  All is well.  I may cry again.  Okay it went away.  (deep breath)  Quitting definitely isn't for sissies, but it is not impossible.  We are totally doing this thing together and I'm so proud of all of us newies that have the guts to come back again and again to try and fight for our lives.  What a terrible, terrible addiction.  I hate it.  And I hate sickarettes.  I love myself today.  The end.

*fans self* omigosh verklempt. Thank you so much, Alex, for showing me maybe it's possible for me to get there, too.

Great post, Alex.  Imagine that, we are okay just like we are.....it's quite liberating.  Great post !!

Alex, bravo. Today I am emotional too. This will pass also.

Thank you so much.  I changed my username.  I think a lot of healing took place yesterday.  Why in the WORLD did I choose to go thru this again?  Stupid effin' addiction!!!  I told myself I could quit again b/c I did it before.  Truth is, it has taken me 6 YEARS to get my real quit mindset back.  I was first determined b/c my husband said we could get pregnant if I quit - and now that daughter is 4 years old and she has seen me smoke!  Ugh.  That was my first real effort since being a teenager.  I quit for a year.  And then I went back to slavery, guilt, hating myself every time I lit up, trying to quit again, not really meaning it, off the wagon, on the wagon.  I need to protect this quit with my life.  It is WAY too easy to let this thing creep in again.  I hate it.  And I hate sickarettes.  Time to take my life back once and for all.  I read thru my quit journal last night - looking at the patterns of behavior and triggers.  Re-reading the suggested articles.  A few things I learned. 

1. Do NOT try to beat this addiction by myself.  I need all the help I can get. 
2. Do NOT just isolate in my own journal - seek out newbies and help out - we're all in this together. 
3. POST when I'm feeling anything - I'm new to feeling so I need a place to process.
4. Do NOT smoke - no matter what.  Scream, kick, make a fool out of myself, but for God's sake just don't take a puff - it won't help ANYTHING.
5. Be GRATEFUL - maybe a little less complaining and a little more gratitude / normal conversation.
6. Get a new coping mechanism for my anger issues.  Jesus help me.  I'm thinking deep breathing as a good first step.  And journaling.  Maybe just get up from the stressful situation and start running until I can't run anymore.  At least it will wear me out!  Ha!

This is quit is a challenge, but this challenge is making me stronger.  I'm eating sour Skittles right now.  Time for a meeting at work.  Check in later.  

Alex, 

I really like the new user name, kinda says it all, ALEX IS FREE. I think you are right, a lot of healing took place yesterday and you made it through victorious. It took me 8 years to get back to this mindset so I understand exactly what you meant. I think I learned a lot from you yesterday, because in talking with you, I had to process my feelings about it all.  I have to protect my quit at all costs, no matter what and I think that was reinforced a little more yesterday.  So glad we both made it through yesterday and are stronger today.

Yay!  I'm so glad to hear that Brenda.  I'm happy we're quit buddies 

Alex, ya'll are so fortunate to have such a great quit group. My July group rarely posts. I guess they are doing so much better than me and don't need support as I do. I'm happy for them if that's the case. I am still working through 46 years of bullcrap done to me by the nicodemon. It's a physical and psychological horror story. I still hate mornings, and I still have cravings throughout the day. 10 wks. tonight and still not a happy person. I still feel so tired and sick most of the day. Plants died on the back porch because I don't sit out there anymore. I'm behind in housework as well. It seems like my whole life revolves around this quit. I think that's fine to a point, but after all this time I should be at least back on a fairly normal schedule. I do go to the gym on a regular basis, but that's the only thing back to normal. My family is still supportive, but I think it reaches a point where they are thinking that life needs to move along.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm so proud of all of you!

Michele

killed the beast 7/9/19

Good job Michele!  I'm so glad you posted this.  I was thinking a similar thing this morning.  Like, I'm going thru the motions of life, but hardly anything is getting done the way it used to - it is quite discouraging.  I just had a co-worker ask me if I was going to do my job today (in a nice way, but I've been basically just trying to stay smoke free).  My June group from 2014 or 2015 was a similar case to yours - never really posted after we moved to Delphi - I don't know if any of them made it or not.  My guess is, the nicodemon got them.  We are very fortunate to be miserable and smoke free today.  It beats being miserable and smoking  I'm honestly considering going to my doctor to talk about this depression if it doesn't lift.  I know some people went on Wellbutrin for a while which helped them with their quits.  I may try it.  ANYTHING to stay away from the sickarettes.  I'm so over those pack of jerks.  I'm proud of YOU!!! 

(Yeah, I see that, loving the new username sugar plum...)

Apparently yesterday was the day for it -- me too. Not weepy or anything, just a medium-sized depression hole. "I'm worthless" and the like. Thankfully this is a lifelong thing and I know to ignore the thoughts and give my depression monster a hug.

And the not getting hardly anything done. I'm super ready to get back to life too, tearing my hair out over here, but not at the cost of my freedom.