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Alexandra's Quit Story   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 9/23/15 by alEXsmoker (afrancis333); 41693 views.
In reply toRe: msg 308
alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-15

Just posting to do it right now.  I have moments when I want to go back and look at the emails my dad sent me.  I look back like, "What was the last thing I said to him?"  Then come feelings of guilt that I didn't talk to him enough in the last few months - busy with the kids.  Then I have feelings of missing him.  Then I may be angry he's gone.  LOTS of emotions every day.  And I never know what is going to hit when.  Interwoven between these emotions are logistical stuff I have to help my mom with - which can be overwhelming, but to be honest, I am happy to be busy for the distraction.  *breathing heavy*  I supposed its okay to just have feelings and to keep going on.  Now I'm crying.  Geez.  Okay.  Moving on.  Will be back later.

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-15

alexisfree said:

"We're making it thru one day at a time.  Some days are OK.  Other days are not.  And it is still all OK.  And it is OK to miss our angels." 

This is all we can do, Alex.  One day at a time with our grief and with quitting smoking.  Big hugs being sent to you, my friend. 

Belinda2019

From: Belinda2019

Jan-18

Big hugs to both of you xxxx

CC to alexisfree
Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-19

Thank you, Belinda.  Love the new pic.  heart_eyes

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-20

Thank you, Belinda.

In reply toRe: msg 313
alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-20

Just posting here to post some stuff in my head.  My faith is wavering.  I am very angry.  Like, how could he leave without saying goodbye?  We think he knew he was going to die because of some activity on his accounts prior to his death - what the heck Dad?!  Why wouldn't you at least call me to say goodbye?  Am I not worth it?  I can't even listen to the same music anymore.  I used to have all this faith in God and now I'm just so disconnected.  Why would my dad leave like this?  I thought we had a better relationship than that.  I so wish I had gone home for Christmas.  I know it is not helpful to dwell on the past because that cannot be changed, but I'm just typing out what I'm thinking honestly because I don't know what else to do.  This is the worst feeling ever.  And my head is constantly full of chatter and I am barely able to think to do my work.  All the memories of my childhood are flooding back to me and I am unable to feel "blessed" or "spiritual".  I'm just angry.  Some of it is anger that now I have to be the adult and I don't want anymore responsibility.  I liked being taken care of.  That's selfish, but it is how I feel.  And I'm so MAD AT HIM FOR NOT SAYING GOODBYE.  Hmph!  Guess I wasn't worth it.  F*&% it.

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-21

alexisfree said:

  I liked being taken care of. 

Maybe your Dad was taking care of you in his heart by not telling you.  He wanted you to remember him as he was, not saddened knowing he was going away. Parents always try to spare us pain and whether it was right or wrong, he LOVED you and you will always be worth his love. Remember the good times and just love him for who he was.  The anger is normal but so wasted.  He loved you, Sweetie, don't ever forget that.

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-21

Thanks, Brenda.  I feel like grief, for me, is this constant underlying sadness that is always with me.  Although, when I see my girls or my husband or other things happen, I do have moments of joy, but things just will never be the same again.  

SusanK1960

From: SusanK1960

Jan-21

Grief is sadness.  Psychologically, it signals a change in your life’s equilibrium, a change you didn’t choose, so it brings a host of negative emotions and will continue until you get a new equilibrium.  

Just like this quitting smoking journey, grief will take patience, time, some white knuckle periods, some happy moments, etc.. 

Take care of yourself and let time be your friend.  It is true that each death you grieve changes you, so you are evolving to a new you.

“Sharing joy with others brings twice the pleasure and sharing sorrow with others reduces the pain by half.”

xoxo

  • Edited January 21, 2020 11:03 pm  by  SusanK1960
Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-22

alexisfree said:

I do have moments of joy, but things just will never be the same again

I think this is true, Alex, things will never be like they were.  Maybe we find a new normal and it becomes our life until the next change.  I have found in life that change is the only constant.  It can be very scary not having any control over it and I do tend to fight it, but life will change again.   I read somewhere once that " Life is what happens between the laughter and the tears. "  I guess this is true.  I know that I get up in the morning thinking about Pete and I go to bed thinking about him.  Our sadness will change us but our love for them changed us also.   We will always love them, so maybe that is another constant.  I have done a lot of thinking lately, not sure I have any answers, but all in all, I am so glad that I got to love them.  I wish you peace, Alex and may we both find it.  Big hugs being sent to you.  

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