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Deana's Journey    Quit Stories and Journals

Started Mar-2 by JerseyDee; 3228 views.

From: JerseyDee


I am new to this board and just started my quit one week and one day ago.  I am still perusing through all these threads and reading through all the helpful information and support.  It will take me some time to get through it all but will also fill my time from thinking about lighting up.

I absolutely love this idea of journaling through this.  I find the concept very cathartic and therapeutic hence going to start my thread on this and I suspect I will be back regularly for quite some time to document my thoughts and triumphs and failures as I work my way to freedom from this awful addiction.

I have had some stumbles over the past week with dumpster diving into ahstrays as well as stopping by a neighbor/friend's to bum a cigarette on occasion .. however, I have NOT bought a pack and vow that I will never in my life do that again. I just wish I could stay sronger to the NOPE theory instead of cracking once in awhile and bumming that smoke.

I had a back injury a few years back and live with chronic pain from failed back fusions as well as a chronic nerve pain/injury that was a consquence of this injury called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) and due to this I only can handle working out of the home part time .. this gives me more down time on my hands than most other people ... more time I associated with resting my body and reading and smoking .. I read a lot and take breaks in between chapters with a smoke .. I associate the two together therefore have not been able to read for over a week now .. trying to find new ways to pass my time.

I work Thurs & Fridays and found last week that those two days were easier to get through than the other days .. however, I rewarded myself for getting through the day by stopping by friend's to share a smoke before I went home : ( .. That was surely not adopting the NOPE theory.  I have to BREAK that cylce of that post work day reward this week. 

Today is Monday and on M-W my mornings are full and I am not bored and thinking of smoking.  I get up everyday at 5:00 and drink coffee and do yoga and catch up on emails and texts .. I am surprisingly doing very well with no longer associating cigarettes with my morning and coffee and have apparently conditioned myself to tame that beast.  Pleased about that.

At 7:30 am I leave for the gym for an 8:00 am yoga class then a 9:00 water aerobics class and when I get home I have a whole routine where I dry my swim clothes, walk the dog, and straighten up and get organized for the day ..

So bottom line my mornings are full and I am OK without smoking.  However, now .. the clock just struck noon and I have just got done eating my lunch .. body in pain from my busy morning and it my usual r&r time which includes smoking ..

This time is a real struggle for me.  So .. I am going to go into office around 2:00 today to catch up on some work I have piled up and just to get myself out of this boredom .. it is hard for me though as with the chronic pain I mentioned I have to strike a balance so I don't overdo and end up in terrible totally debilitating pain ..

So everything is a careful balancing act for me.

The weekend was also hard as I had some free time on my hands and boredom struck as well.  i went out to eat with a friend of mine on Sat night .. a non smoker .. and this helped to pass some time.  Last night I took my father out for ice cream .. a non smoker .. and this helped as well.

But weekends I have a lot of time on my hands and it IS hard for me. On Sat afternoon I broke down and viisted that stinky smoky friend I mentioned earlier.

However, I have gone from 25 smokes a day down to 1-2 and it is quite the accomplishment .. I just need to find the way to fully and I do mean fully break this cycle.  I am determined.  Need to dig deeper.

I DO want to be a non-smoker.  I have a long, very long list of why I want to quit.  Like everyone else I am sick of being a prisoner to this smelly, expensive, killer.  But addiction is hard.  Real hard.

I have nicotene gum and this has been helpful. I also have sugar free bubble gum.  Last M-W and this morning I popped a piece of nictoene gum in on my way to the gym and chewed it during me workout .. when I left the gym I popped in a piece of bubble gum .. both worked wonders.

I also have other treats and tricks in my arsenal .. but I want to get out to the store and look for other tricks I see written about here like straws and red hots.  I also want to get some lollipops as I think that will help my hand to mouth habit.

I see a specialist an hour away from me and have that drive ahead of me tomorrow .. going to be a long drive and think red hots or lolipops will help in that regard.

I am 49 yrs old, single and actively dating I NEVER told men that I smoked that I went out with .. who wants to date a smoker? .. do you have any idea how hard it is to keep that in the closet? .. nothing had gotten past  a couple of dates for various other reasons but it is HARD to date as a closeted smoker .. I want to be quit and go into a relationship in an open and honest way.

As i have said earlier I have EVERY reason to quit .. no reason not to.  I calculated that I have $80 so far over the past 8 days and that is reward in and of itself.

I am going to continue to write as I work myself into total freedom.  On the agenda now is to break that 1-2 a day dependence that I have by rewarding myself for a good day in stopping by stinky neighbor's at the end of the day as a reward .. it just so happens that this person owes me a lot of favors so has no problem doling out a cigarette to .. don't know if that is a good thing right now or a bad thing.

Well .. 12:41 right now .. still in gym clothes .. going to shower and change and that will occupy some time and distract me .. then head over to work at 2:00 for a couple hours and that will distract me as well .. Am working hard at a day of NOPE today .. I need a lot of luck in achieving that .. As I say I have to dig a bit deeper.

If anyone actually read through this all I appreciate it.  Just writing it out was extremely cathartic to me.


From: Eve1973


Saw this and thought of you,

Stop being ashamed of how many times you’ve fallen, and start being proud of how many times you’ve got up!


From: JerseyDee


Thank you Eve : ) .. I am a real work in progress.


From: Loreficent


Way to go Dee!!

Hang in there. Write write write!!!


From: DebraAnne60


I agree with the others, you are doing great.  We are here for you.


From: JerseyDee


Good Morning DebrAnn.  Thank you for reading that very long journal entry from yesterday and for your supportive words.  

Doing well this morning.   Have truly broken my association with morning coffee & cigarettes . I think what helped though is I have changed my coffee routine .. I want to lose 15 lbs and one of the bad sticky points i had in trouble doing so was I put tons of sugary vanilla creamer in my coffee in the morning ..

I have recently changed that to sugar free almond milk and that changes my coffee routine and I believe has also been a helpful in kicking that coffee & cigarette morning association.

I am all done with my early morning here and getting ready to head out to water aerobics class.  After i get home from that I will be busy doing errands and such until I have to leave for a specialist's appt an hour away from here .. have to leave here at noon for that ..

Bottom line I will be occupied and distracted this morning so will have no time and interest in smoking .. my morning will go well .. however, I am already bargaining with myself this morning and I am mad at myself for doing so ..

I am already telling myself for getting through the drive to Newark back and forth today and not caving in I deserve a treat on the way home this evening and that is to stop by sitnky/smoky neighbor's to share a smoke ...

I have GOT to find a way to break that 1-2 a day habit.  I would consider chantix but I dont' think that is the right thing for me as i am on anti-depressants and have a history of depression as a consequence to managing chronic pain since my accident some years back.  That said I don't think chantix is the right fit for me.

Again, thanks for reading and support.  Going to pop a piece of nicotenet gum and get ready to head on out of here to the gym.  I have picked up some clementimes as a suggestion here and I have ordered some red hots on amazon ..

I am going to pick up some straws tonight and some more sugar free bubble gum and sugar free werther's coffee sucky candies ..

However, I really do think what I am battling right now is the hand/mouth habit and filling time rather than the physical addiction .. not to misunderstand I still deal with addiction .. but that habit truly seems more the problem ..

Have to find another way to fill my time.  Hard with my physical limitations.  Ugh .. it will all come together in time .. I am very dedicated and hopeful that it will.

Have a great Tuesday morning.  Thanks again for listening to me .. it means more than i can say.  - Dee

In reply toRe: msg 1

From: JerseyDee


Well it is with a heavy heart that i report that the past two days I have stopped by stinky/smoker's for a smoke after lunch and a smoke after dinner .. M-W are hard for me due to my light schedule.

However, tomorrow, 3/5 a Thursday a work day for me I vow to pledge NOPE to and stick to it this time.

If I can get through the work day as I did last week there is absolutely no reason to stop by stinky neighbors at the end of the work day for a reward for having done so.  Instead I have some dark chocolate hershey kisses here all lined up for tomorrow and my reward for getting through the day will be a handful of those when i get home.

Please wish me luck.  I am determined to make this work tomorrow.

In the meantime I also ordered some red hots on amazon yesterday and should be here by Saturday.  I also picked up some straws and oranges and a new box of fruit nictoene gum from eBay for half the price of what you'd pay in the store for it ... I AM going to make this work. 

I will likely be back at some time tomorrow to journal more when I am hanging on by a thread.  


From: Eve1973


Come on Deana......you CAN DO THIS! You are stronger than the cravings.....you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to quit! Also you already know you have the support..... so stop going to your neighbor and start living your new and wonderful smoke free life!


Behind you 100%....Eve


From: DebraAnne60


You are so funny..... the stinky neighbor.....There is no such thing as a wasted quit.  Keep at it and you will find the right path for you.  Keep in mind though that every time you have a smoke, the nicotine is back in your system full scale and  you are restarting day one, again and again.  You keep reliving the first three days (the worst three days) of your quite.   We are here for you all the way no matter how many times you restart your quit.   


From: Matt1961


I will second that being there part for you.  I hate to say it, but this neighbor thing is going to keep being a problem for you.  It is just too easy.  You are going to have to go to the neighbor and say no matter how much you beg, how much you scream, how much you demand or try to pay for, that they are to never let you have so much as a puff again, either of their smoke or yours.  If they are your friend, they will help you with your quit attempt, even if it means you bite their head off for a few weeks.

Eventually, they are going to want to quit too.  I think every smoker does.  When they do, you can return the favor at that time.