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Formerly known as the About.com Smoking Cessation support forum, this community is open to all who are recovering from nicotine addiction.

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People Do NOT Get It .. Misery Loves Company?   Quit Support

Started Apr-2 by JerseyDee; 284 views.

From: JerseyDee


Well this is just a vent .. I am going to babble on on this post.  Could use some thoughts and feedback if inclined.

So .. have a friend whom I do not see frequently, doesn't live local and even if she did in this COVID-19 climate wouldn't being spending time with her anyone, however, we keep in close touch with long daily emails.

Anyway, last night I told her excited I was to reach 4 weeks.  And a background here ... whe is a smoker and has told me a couple of weeks ago she would understand i couldn't maintain the quit in this current stressful climate .. it was like she was giving me permission to smoke.  i Just get the feeling she truly is misery loves company ...

Her mother died of lung cancer this year but she still can not quit.  Tried when mother was diagnosed .. lasted 1 week .. I have tried to point her in right direction and even told her to check out this cessation board .. but she just seems to have zero interest in getting her quit on.  Oh well, can only lead a horse.

That is truly her business if she can't dig deeper and her business if she, too, wants lung cancer like her mother .. I have made the decision to try to avoid that in life if I can by quitting now ..

I try not to preach to her as I can see where that would get old and annoying .. but will sometimes say .. i had a lot of cravings today, this day was a rough one, or this day was an easier one .. then last night as i say i told her in email that I was really pumped to have reached one month ..

And ready for this .. she signed off from a long email by saying . OK, going to step outside for a cigarette now ..

WHAT?  WHY?  .. Why did she do that?  Was it to tempt me and make me think about one .. misery loves company?  Or just  a careless mention of what she was about to do .. whatever the case it DID as a result make me crave one on the spot ..

Ended up putting in a piece of nicotene gum in which made that my 4th one of the day rather than 2-3 I like to stick to.

But I thought this is wrong and she just does NOT get it.  I don't to hear about anyone relaxing and unwinding and enjoying  a smoke at the end of their day right now.  Just when i was mentally celebrating 4 weeks clean I had a deep crave for one .. thankfully I have that gum here for times like that.

Anyway, just needed to vent.   Do people just truly not get this?   It can be very challenging with friends who still smoke.  Maybe I need to tell them I don't to hear that dirty word smoking right now?  Maybe I just need to separate a bit right now?

How would you feel?  Was my mind over-reacting?  Why even the mention of such a thing such a trigger for me?

Look forward to feeback.

PS: .. *if* you do lurk on this board as I suggested you look up  a few weeks back and you know who you are,  You now know how I feel about this and that I can not handle such a temptation/trigger right now.  Sorry you had to find out this way.


From: Eve1973


This is my opinion: Yep she wants you to go back to smoking, why? We started to smoke because it “cool or for the socializing.” Now society and the health system has TOLD us it is bad for us. More and more places are booting smokers further and further away from buildings, it’s now considered taboo. But she is hooked! And you quitting smoking is a like losing a friend she could count on to do this terrible habit with and she feels even lonelier. 
She knows she should stop, but you can’t force her either. 

She should be more supportive, but she honestly wants you to NOT succeed. Misery LOVES company! You know that! Stay away from sharing this part of your life with her. I know you excited and want praise.....but you aren’t going to get it from her, apparently.  Get it from the people who will be excited with you! 

Just one person’s opinion!


From: DebraAnne60


Hey JerseyDee

I think you friend was teasing you.  She smokes and is not inclined to quit right now.  I would leave it with her.  You be you and let her be her.  You also have to decide that her smoking is not a trigger for you if you want to continue to spend time with her, which I imagine you do.  She will come to her own conclusion eventually.  It's like a kitten, when you tease them out with a ball of string.   

You are going to find that you notice all the smokers in you life way more than you ever did.  Luckily, social isolation keeps you from being in their company tempting you.  For me, i put up an invisible barrier that quietly says in my mind to my smoking friends and family - you smoke I don't.  I don't talk about it to anyone.  I think that gives me more strength.  I am leading by example rather than voicing my experience.  I know that if I try to talk them about quitting, they will shut me off right away.  When I was a smoker, I would have shut me off because 1, I am not ready to quit and 2, when I am ready to quit I will do it because I decided to quit not because someone told me quit.

Save your enthusiasm for the quitters who want and need it.  When your friend decides to quit, she will turn to you first and you can be there for her.

That's just the way I see it.  


Hi Dee,

Most of us are highly sensitive when we quit smoking.  Things that may not bother us ordinarily suddenly cause us to see red.   We are on an emotional rollercoaster.  Knowing that helps us to put things into perspective.   We are all here today because we found that right time and place in our lives to quit. Some of us are here because we developed physical problems due to smoking and that scared us enough to motivate.    Others, were closet smokers and got fed up with hiding their addiction.    When I quit, my daughter continued to smoke...still does.   She will quit when she is ready and not when I want her too.   All we can do is encourage our loved ones when they want to discuss.  Our quits are very much 'our'  quits.


From: cherbearquit


You said, “I don't to hear about anyone relaxing and unwinding and enjoying  a smoke at the end of their day right now”

Your friend is obviously very insensitive to things she may say that can be a trigger for you.  But, change how you think in response to what she says. She doesn’t smoke to “relax, unwind and enjoy “, she smokes because she NEEDS to feed her addiction! And, you know how you felt right before you quit. You wished more than anything that you could quit! Stay strong and maybe avoid talking about your quit with her, since she really doesn’t seem to be supportive!

Quit 12/6/19


From: JerseyDee


That is so perfect the way you worded it Eve ... By me now quiiting it makes her feel even lonelier ..

It's just her and her cugarettes now ... Lonely place for an addict when no one else smokes anymore.


From: JerseyDee


Thank you Debra Anne -- I think you are dead on that I should keep this quit to myself with friends and family.  I will save such things for here. Thank you.


From: JerseyDee


Very good poitn Marge -- our quits are our quits.  I need to keep that in perspective.


From: JerseyDee


Thank you Cher - I will no longer talk about my quit with her and will also keep in perspective she is just a slave to her addiction right niw.


I am not saying it is easy.  It isn't.  I remember feeling crushed when one of my initial quit buddy's relapsed.  Another time the same feeling the same when my friend  tried to quit but didn't make it.  Nicotine addiction is a powerful pull.  I remember keeping my head firmly in the sand for years and years.  I didn't want to even think about quitting.

Way to go on 1 full month quit.  You are kicking butt:))