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First 10 days review   General Chit-Chat

Started May-6 by Musivore; 15161 views.

From: Elizaquits




"For it is not, necessarily, the truth of memory that is important. It is but a picture of that which is needed."  This reminds me of Richard Hofstadter's "memory is the thread of personal identity, history of public identity". 

Have you finished the pack/ready to come back?


From: Loreficent


Hey thanks...I’ll have to read that.

Didnt finish, smoked 8 total and threw them away next morning. So...

Yeah, I’ll write more about it soon.

Thanks for checking in. You are doing great!


From: Loreficent


I did check on the Agave (aka: John) last night and he is STILL tall. So, glad to see. 
How you doing still off the patch? 


From: euknight


Ok got it, sweet Lori.

Your introspection transcends mine for sure but I can ( finally since the fog has cleared).  follow your musings; ever digging down searching for a root perhaps that keeps the weeds from coming up.

So all of that put aside, you were going to see your stepson to get the starter.  What transpired there?

You attended the protest in Portland.  What there?

Seems to me that D day (June 4 post) perhaps were the beginnings of planning the relapse.  Just throwing that out there.  Not trying to analyze, more about my own experience trying to connect. I just see a soft falling through space with your words starting there.  Btw....the greenery is spectacular there....such an amazing blend of texture.  I love that.

I am all too familiar with retreat and sadness, a pastime of mine I have to monitor like a vulture watching, watching to see if any of the moving mammals are dying so it can swoop down for a bite.  Yep.

So on this seesaw of joy and sorrow who will be the winner.  Sometimes the desire for smoke free joy is so hard to grasp.  What better way to celebrate?  Then there is sorrow.....always the most welcome partner to a smoke or 20.  That shadow world just has a way of welcoming in the smoke with open arms.  They once again masquerade as a long lost love and how appealing the escape.

How many other enemies have you welcomed in with open arms?  If like me, too many to count.  Let’s look at the triggers, sista, seriously.  Then perhaps a look at escapes that do not include 20 tobacco filled cylinders in a soft or hard backed box?  I have admitted to myself no matter how many memories, hurts, experiences I have addressed I have to have escapes.  For me it just can not be cigarettes anymore.  I just can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror as a smoker.  I can’t.  I can’t

Im here for you if you want to look deeper anytime.  I am also here to talk about nothing and everything.  No doubt you are recovering from the battle wounds.  That is a good thing.  The skin grows back healthier than before and you keep doing what works for you smoke free.  Do not surrender to the enemy.  There are so many here that have your back.  Rest and take care of your own, please?  We are not going anywhere.





From: Loreficent


No, D-Day was good as far as not smoking or thinking about it much, or was thinking about quitting in a very positive way actually. I did go downtown after work, yes, as I have every night for a while now. Around smokers a bit down there, but easy to walk away too...from the cigarettes and weed (legal here) anyway. There was the inevitable inescapable smoke of other sorts that could not be avoided but that is expected if one chooses to partake in these events and stays long enough. That...as I call it acrid smoke, sucks but is transient, and certainly doesn’t spark a desire for cigarettes. And though I had someone offer me a smoke, readily said “no, thanks” and felt good doing that too.

Seattle was different. I lived there for 10 years at a very interesting time of my life and went to University there. Still kind of processing what flipped my switch briefly. Will come back to it as I certainly don’t want it to be left with the spiraling sort of feeling that post has for some. I also don’t want to inspire anyone to smoke, no matter how briefly. But yeah, delving deeper and giving and getting clarification, as with most things, will likely be useful....? 
Good news...didn’t finish those even though in that moment I thought I would, and interestingly...so far...it seems to have been even more of release. 
Battle wounds are another story I won’t go into here. Suffice it to say, our nation is a big battle wound that is resonating around the world. Any I might have pale so drastically in comparison that it would not even be fitting to write about in that context. 
I LOVE you vulture analogy. Will definitely expound on that with your permission, of course.

And yes...my stepson gave me a SCOBY! It left Seattle with great symbolism for both us. Perhaps even some worth writing about. 

Three cheers and a Kombucha to you, Peggy Dear. I am glad we found each other here. Thank you for being pure and honest and you.

In reply toRe: msg 111

From: Loreficent


Ahhh...and yes...forgot to add...on that seesaw... JOY will always win for she is the one with the capable wings to jump off and leave sorrow landing squarely on the ground to return to the dust from which it comes. For this... is the way and direction I choose to fly...


From: Musivore


Hey Lore, I've returned to find this beautiful emotive prose of yours, which reveals more the harder you look. I get a sense, just a small sense mind you, of what you were going through when you wrote that. And I hope things have settled since then for you, because none of us can feel as much as you did when you wrote that, for it to remain a healthy force in the long run for you.

But in the short run, if I had been placed in the sorrowful smoky landscape that you found yourself in, and if I had then sensed the same hazy and promising picture of relief and familiarity that you did during this heightened moment, I think I would then have reached out also, as you did. And I hope reaching out did indeed give you the familiarity and the respite that you so dearly needed.  And I hope also that you do not feel any less of a woman for making the choice that you did.

Thank you for being honest and sharing that with us so beautifully. I've not really been browsing much of the forum recently, as I've been herding my own demons elsewhere, but I hope things are a little more settled for you Lore.

CC to Loreficent

From: Loreficent


Well, emotive and poetic prose is not with pitfalls. As I said to Peggy yesterday, I felt a need to stop back and expound a bit as it does seem to have sent a bit of unintended message. It started as a way to "confess" that I had been smoking that evening and give a picture of the space I was in; it was very different from a typical crave/cave.  Having not wanted to go into details of circumstances that had surrounded the day of protests, I am afraid my obliqueness of writing left more intimation to a dark space than what was actually there for me.

Seattle holds a very special place in my heart, not only because my stepson lives there, but for the decade I lived there on my own. And what a decade it was in so many glorious ways. At times it is hard to sort out, but I cannot seem to return there without so much resurfacing. Way more so even than if returning to where I was born and lived the first 25 years of my life. Seattle is where I met my daughter's dad, and though when I go there I am reminded of a love lost, I also have the sense of love found again, in my daughter and in my stepson, whom neither would be in my life without what is now a foggy snippet of memory...
I am not saying the past few weeks have not been full of feeling and passion for me, as they have been in very profound ways. That moment and writing though was actually of and from a place of such a great sense of calm and clarity and memory and reflection. Though I don't underestimate addiction to nicotine, I do believe it was a moment in my life when I actually smoked while being disconnected from the addict voice (though there must be some small role) and in a space of astute awareness of what I generally call my "wise mind" and in this reference, “third eye Cinema ".
Yes, there were certainly things going on that night that were painful to watch and be part of, but they too will hopefully have an outcome of respite and bring some peace and joy and change in the end. 
I don't want to give a boring dissection of what I wrote, and don't want to bring any polarized political fodder to this, but I do want to give you all, my dear friends, an apology for it having given the sense of me having been in a place of great sorrow. I wrote more to express that I was in a place of respite, and yet with an awareness of the pain of the world, the awareness of my foggy memories, an awareness of the earth, and how she still is providing and tangible, awareness of those who went before us fighting the fights we still fight for humanity, awareness of love lost yet still present and clung to; my children, and an awareness of the current history in the making. 
Yes, it was a deeply and profoundly moving night. I believe the smoking was just a part of it, that in that moment, resonated with me and provided a disconnected sort of familiarity while I was caught up in history past and history present. 
Yes, Muse...there was a great deal of feeling in it, and it was a picture of joy to have been very centered and calm and watching the feelings all play out, and the green acrid smoke added a very surreal touch. I agree, nobody could be healthy to be in a place of such constant heightened awareness and that is not sustainable ( or desirable) for me either. Nor can anybody can be healthy being completely numb. A bit of disconnect and observation though, for me, often brings some clarity, and in this case, respite and reflective joy.
Anyway...thanks for reading, for listening, for loving, for the support. I didn't finish that pack and have had no cravings since. I do believe they were largely a shared moment of familiarity as the day does not seem to have challenged my strength. 
Now I will go check on John the Agave...because yes, in a world full of great sorrows, in the end, some joy will always rise...

From: Elizaquits


"...morally speaking, there is no limit to the concern one must feel for the suffering of human beings, that indifference to evil is worse than evil itself, that in a free society, some are guilty, but all are responsible."

                        --  Abraham Heschel 


From: Loreficent


In. A. Nutshell.

Smoking or not pales in ways, the struggle that we allow to ensue over it in the grand scheme, yes?

Let these moments empower us and realize...it is not a struggle but merely a choice that we have freedom to exercise and execute.