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Hey thanks...I’ll have to read that.
Didnt finish, smoked 8 total and threw them away next morning. So...
Yeah, I’ll write more about it soon.
Thanks for checking in. You are doing great!
I did check on the Agave (aka: John) last night and he is STILL tall. So, glad to see.
How you doing still off the patch?
Ok got it, sweet Lori.
Your introspection transcends mine for sure but I can ( finally since the fog has cleared). follow your musings; ever digging down searching for a root perhaps that keeps the weeds from coming up.
So all of that put aside, you were going to see your stepson to get the starter. What transpired there?
You attended the protest in Portland. What there?
Seems to me that D day (June 4 post) perhaps were the beginnings of planning the relapse. Just throwing that out there. Not trying to analyze, more about my own experience trying to connect. I just see a soft falling through space with your words starting there. Btw....the greenery is spectacular there....such an amazing blend of texture. I love that.
I am all too familiar with retreat and sadness, a pastime of mine I have to monitor like a vulture watching, watching to see if any of the moving mammals are dying so it can swoop down for a bite. Yep.
So on this seesaw of joy and sorrow who will be the winner. Sometimes the desire for smoke free joy is so hard to grasp. What better way to celebrate? Then there is sorrow.....always the most welcome partner to a smoke or 20. That shadow world just has a way of welcoming in the smoke with open arms. They once again masquerade as a long lost love and how appealing the escape.
How many other enemies have you welcomed in with open arms? If like me, too many to count. Let’s look at the triggers, sista, seriously. Then perhaps a look at escapes that do not include 20 tobacco filled cylinders in a soft or hard backed box? I have admitted to myself no matter how many memories, hurts, experiences I have addressed I have to have escapes. For me it just can not be cigarettes anymore. I just can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror as a smoker. I can’t. I can’t
Im here for you if you want to look deeper anytime. I am also here to talk about nothing and everything. No doubt you are recovering from the battle wounds. That is a good thing. The skin grows back healthier than before and you keep doing what works for you smoke free. Do not surrender to the enemy. There are so many here that have your back. Rest and take care of your own, please? We are not going anywhere.
No, D-Day was good as far as not smoking or thinking about it much, or was thinking about quitting in a very positive way actually. I did go downtown after work, yes, as I have every night for a while now. Around smokers a bit down there, but easy to walk away too...from the cigarettes and weed (legal here) anyway. There was the inevitable inescapable smoke of other sorts that could not be avoided but that is expected if one chooses to partake in these events and stays long enough. That...as I call it acrid smoke, sucks but is transient, and certainly doesn’t spark a desire for cigarettes. And though I had someone offer me a smoke, readily said “no, thanks” and felt good doing that too.
Seattle was different. I lived there for 10 years at a very interesting time of my life and went to University there. Still kind of processing what flipped my switch briefly. Will come back to it as I certainly don’t want it to be left with the spiraling sort of feeling that post has for some. I also don’t want to inspire anyone to smoke, no matter how briefly. But yeah, delving deeper and giving and getting clarification, as with most things, will likely be useful....?
Good news...didn’t finish those even though in that moment I thought I would, and interestingly...so far...it seems to have been even more of release.
Battle wounds are another story I won’t go into here. Suffice it to say, our nation is a big battle wound that is resonating around the world. Any I might have pale so drastically in comparison that it would not even be fitting to write about in that context.
I LOVE you vulture analogy. Will definitely expound on that with your permission, of course.
And yes...my stepson gave me a SCOBY! It left Seattle with great symbolism for both us. Perhaps even some worth writing about.
Three cheers and a Kombucha to you, Peggy Dear. I am glad we found each other here. Thank you for being pure and honest and you.
Ahhh...and yes...forgot to add...on that seesaw... JOY will always win for she is the one with the capable wings to jump off and leave sorrow landing squarely on the ground to return to the dust from which it comes. For this... is the way and direction I choose to fly...
Hey Lore, I've returned to find this beautiful emotive prose of yours, which reveals more the harder you look. I get a sense, just a small sense mind you, of what you were going through when you wrote that. And I hope things have settled since then for you, because none of us can feel as much as you did when you wrote that, for it to remain a healthy force in the long run for you.
But in the short run, if I had been placed in the sorrowful smoky landscape that you found yourself in, and if I had then sensed the same hazy and promising picture of relief and familiarity that you did during this heightened moment, I think I would then have reached out also, as you did. And I hope reaching out did indeed give you the familiarity and the respite that you so dearly needed. And I hope also that you do not feel any less of a woman for making the choice that you did.
Thank you for being honest and sharing that with us so beautifully. I've not really been browsing much of the forum recently, as I've been herding my own demons elsewhere, but I hope things are a little more settled for you Lore.
"...morally speaking, there is no limit to the concern one must feel for the suffering of human beings, that indifference to evil is worse than evil itself, that in a free society, some are guilty, but all are responsible."
-- Abraham Heschel
In. A. Nutshell.
Smoking or not pales in ways, the struggle that we allow to ensue over it in the grand scheme, yes?
Let these moments empower us and realize...it is not a struggle but merely a choice that we have freedom to exercise and execute.
Thanks sweet Lore.
I like the crave/ cave identifier. Aptly put. Wow, Seattle does bring a lot up for you!!! Thank you for sharing all that which is connected to your soul in that city. I would be bothered a lot to see the unrest in a town I spent so much time in my past. A lot of emotion no matter what kind, is a trigger for me. So far moments of revelation have not been a problem and have been quite the opposite. Guess we all have to learn what the danger zones are for us. The emotion around me I pick up on too....dang it!! There is no way I could have stayed in that situation. Even watching it on TV....cannot do it. I am very sensitive. My mother use to say I was too sensitive. So be it. I have a purpose because of it.
Even tho you didn’t hear the enemy whispering, be assured he was there.
I go back to the desire to stop has to be greater than to smoke.. When I feel this is questionable, It is time to distract, retreat, run whatever like a wild banshee. If I really want to smoke I am just going to. Sometimes I wonder if I will be in this cocoon forever. I have made some plans to venture out to a few social events but taking it slow. I acknowledge my weakness readily
I will continue to think about lovely, admirable, honest and simple things. All which generate peace. It is my medicine.
Hoping you are in good spirits and ready to stay on the path with firm resolve and your heart is wrapped around the belief that you are so worth the fight. We say you are; so be strong. Rest more, eat well. You make a big difference in many lives. Thanks for being here