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First 10 days review   General Chit-Chat

Started 5/6/20 by Musivore; 120600 views.
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jun-30

Yes it does. But it’s almost bedtime! You can do this. Trust yourself to do what is best for you and to choose health for you.

euknight

From: euknight

Jul-1

Hey X,

Just saw you on here! Yay you found us! I couldn’t recall the name of the folder. Lol. Duh. Anyway I totally hear ya about day 3.

How are you doing today? You might have to pull out a few fingernails but it is worth it.....NOT to have the smoke in your lungs.

You still withdrawing from the vape or nicotine too? Refresh me.

Hugs to ya
Peggy
5-8-20

xvaper

From: xvaper

Jul-1

Hi Peggy!

hugs to ya too!

I was clean and doing really well but towards November the Covid isolation was too much, and I hit a rough patch. I went to stay with my family in Israel, and of course everyone smokes there, and before you know it, I was rolling cigarettes like most smokers do there. I did not want to come back here because A. I was embarrassed and b. I did not want to quit. I "enjoyed" it. 

But I am an addict, a slave to this wicked chemical and I need to learn how to live and be fine without it. I know I will have your support and looking forward to chatting on here!

What ever happened to Tiny?

Eve1973

From: Eve1973

Jul-2

We lost Tiny a while ago! I think sometime last year, but not sure……think she went back to smoking. 
 

Lost a few……it’s a shame. Wish they would come back just to say they are ok. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jul-2

Good morning! On to day 4 for you! Or half through it actually. So good. 
I slept a lot longer than normal. I think maybe catching up some from the past week. 
Trying to gear up for a long work weekend. The 4th can be fun in some ways, but the past few years it has lost a lot of that for me. Mostly I feel bad for all the creatures that have do deal with the fireworks and the worry of what can (and does) happen when those tiny bits of explosives are in the hands of idiot and/ or drunken people (2017 Eagle Creek Fire, case in point). At any rate, “May the 4th be with you” and all that, haha! 

Yeah…I miss Tiny. Maybe like you, she will find her way back eventually. This Forum certainly has been instrumental in so many quits, mine included. At this point, there has been quite a few come and go that I wonder about. Life goes on though and at the end of the day I send off a wish of good will and a kiss on the wind and go to bed thankful for another day smoke free. And thankful for other things too of course.

Glad you like that E book. I got a lot out of too, and still do actually. I think it is important to renew resolve often. Seems the biggest enemy of a smoker staying clean is complacency really, and falling into this mindset of “Oh, I’m far enough out now that one won’t hurt, I can handle it”. That thinking seems to set folks off on a slippery slope more than anything. The other thing I’ve found helpful is to not put too much weight into stats of certain aspects. Like, x% smoke free at a year and x% at two years, etc. Those stats have value, of course. Not so much for me as an individual as at the end of the day we are all our own “N=1” and are responsible for our own trends and ultimately the only deciding factor which group we will fall into. I do notice that smokers have a tendency to blame other things and put the responsibility on certain emotions rather than just being honest with themselves that they are and always will be addicts. Plain and simple. Ultimately one has to recognize the addict voice within and decide if they are going to give it what it desires or not. I’ve been plenty angry, anxious, sad, depressed, indignant, relieved, happy, celebratory, and many more things the last year and had to step back and separate the addict voice from it, acknowledge it’s presence, and make a choice. Give it the old mental nod and carry on. So far for over a year, I’ve won as far as not allowing that voice to override my wiser self. It does get easier to separate that piece and see it for what it is. It takes time to untangle it from all the emotions and ties we built around it for sure. I think also that it is important not to label that part of ourselves as “evil” or to think we can just ignore it. When willpower and emotion collide, emotion will always win. Best to go into that situation armed with that knowledge and not think that willpower alone is gonna outsmart or hold up with everything. It really is ok to feel those feelings of loss and anxiousness when we are untangling from how we coped for so long. Maybe best to acknowledge and work through them as they arise each time rather than squish them down inside and try to ignore them. Kind of like being on top of a big ass scary wave knowing that at any second your maybe going under, lol. So, yeah. Ride the waves. As I’ve said before, all waves come to shore eventually. 
Ok. Enough nattering on the West side. Stay the course. Moments turn into bigger things and there is no stopping that. Let them build one beautiful small piece at a time. 

xvaper

From: xvaper

Jul-2

I hear you. Yes it is hard for me to accept that I am as addicted as an alcoholic but there is no other choice if I want to quit. I'm not out of the woods but then who is?

And I agree with the will power, I just have to ride it out and do my best to remind myself why I am doing it rather than clench my fists and try to fight it.

For example, if I think wistfully "Never will I ever enjoy a cigarette with my coffee"? I remind myself that:

A. I never like to fully stub a cigarette, and that my cigarette butts are always kind of smokey in the ashtray. Why is that? because I hate the extra smell on my fingers when I stub it fully into the ashtray.

B. I cant stand the smell of cigarettes on my cloths or hair and If I smell it, I cant even have it in the hamper I have to throw it in the machine right away and go wash my hair before I leave the house again.

C. After that coffee and cigarette I always wash my hands thoroughly to get rid of the smell on my fingers, brush my teeth or chew a mint gum. I don't wan't to smell like a smoker, I don't want to be ' found out 'outside my circle of friends.

D. cigarettes actually make me feel lethargic.

So after all that my brain is still trying to convince me that I am missing something good???

If that is not an addiction I don't know what is, and those are the things I keep reminding myself of when I have cravings.

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jul-2

Right??

It is absolutely insane the lengths we go, to get that fix. Like you, I couldn’t stand the smell on me in any way, on my clothes or hair. I didn’t smoke in my car or house cause I didn’t want it to smell. I also did not want folks to know I smoked and was very much in the closet. It took a lot of work to hide it! And, at then end of the day..,I think the only ones it was really hidden from was other smokers joy.

I can still romance it at times, which sucks. Not in the way I get the physical angst to have one, like the physical withdrawals when one first quits. The reminiscing of the connection with myself, maybe? Usually that means it’s time for a run. 

xvaper

From: xvaper

Jul-2

Yes it will be a difficulty to sever those connection etched in the brain between certain activities and cigarettes with them. hopefully with time these will subside. 

On another note, FIREWORKS

Last year the fireworks situation in all the 5 boroughs of New York was horrendous. It was going off day and night, from June until the end of august, and not just little fireworks, big ones too, that sounded like gunshots and bombs. Usually kids cannot afford this kind of fireworks arsenal (when I say kids I mean from 12YO all the way to twenty somethings).  There were many theories on how this plethora of illegal ( all fireworks are illegal in New York city) and highly dangerous ones ended hit eh streets, and their ability of kids to fire them off in the middle of the street uninterrupted, all kinds of conspiracy theories including that the cops were either firing fireworks themselves or that they were handing the fireworks to the kids, as if NYPD didn't have enough to do, in the middle of the BLM protestations and the sharp rise of gun violence last summer. 

The most logical and verifiable explanation was that cargo ships from china were stuck docked in New York since March because of Covid and not allowed to unload so they were already at a huge loss. These ships always carry counterfeit items and in the spring, illegal fireworks made in China, to be distributed across the region. So there they were, trying to stealthily offload smaller cargo to at least make something, anything, but no distributors were buying anything.

In come the gangs. They bought all this stuff for a song and a dance, and sold it super cheap on the streets to kids and young adults who suddenly were able to afford buying the big boy fireworks. 

It was incessant, kids and animals went out of their minds and so did ex soldiers with PTSD. It sounded like a battle-zone every single night for weeks on end, and I am not exaggerating. They police were inundated with calls, but first of all by the time they got there the kids were gone, and secondly they were called on many shootings as well so it was not a priority. People suspected there was an agenda of why they didn't want to chase kids on the streets because of 'defund the police' movement, but that's neither here or there, I don't think it would have made any difference, there was just way too much of this stuff. This year it is still going on, but remarkedly less so. There just aren't  those cheap fireworks to be had, its back to full price and kids cannot afford it anymore. So yea that's the story of last year's  fireworks in NYC.

euknight

From: euknight

Jul-3

So Israel is a cig rolling place, huh?  Had no idea.  Interesting.

Hope you did ok thru day 4 and 5.  Keep the straw in your mouth.  
We are all so happy you are back.  Don’t be embarrassed.  You are brave.  There is no reason to hang your head.  Having gone through this first year journey I will speak for myself but others may feel the same....I really become a part of the others chipping away the days of being clean from nicotine.  So thanks for coming back.  It means a lot.  

Like Lore and Eve have said, maybe Tiny will stumble on in again. I don’t give up on people as a rule and this world has a way of surprising me with sparkles.  I am thrilled with simple things.  

So today I had a marathon Dirty John watch day with a smoker friend who is now smoking in her house.  Sure I thought it would be nice to light one up but I let the thought pass and just enjoy the whiff of smoke. What really stops me is that gross smoke taste in my mouth that dries out the moisture and leaves the mouth tasting like I just chewed up a dirty ash tray filled with soggy butts.   Just not real.appealing.... And then the taste has permeated the gums, mouth , teeth.  Might as well take a brown marker and color in a couple of teeth.....

So that’s my story for today.  You keep on  that quit, girl.  You are braver than you think.  Give it all you got.  Freedom is around the corner!

Hugs to ya,

Peggy

5-8-20

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jul-3

Peggy!

Ok…so…who is Dirty John?joy I know who Dirty Harry is. Not John though. Harry’s cousin? With a Glock instead of a .357 Magnum? joy

OMG. Ok. So. I have thought about smoking a lot today. Why? I can say, like you Peggy, I do NOT want to be a smoker again. I really don’t. So in some ways it’s kind of discouraging to think about it. But on the other hand, the fact I can honestly say I don’t want to do that 15 times a day again is really good. I think in some ways it is these warm Summer nights. Not the house is 95° ones, but the ones like now where it is 75° out and clear skies, still some light on the horizon at 9:45. Man. The places I go in my head on nights like this! Yup. Just pick up and go right on out of my head. Anyway. Not sure I need to have an answer to why the smoking thoughts. I think I know anyway. Just part of being an addict I think. 
Off to bed with me. Gonna read my book and hopefully fall asleep soon so I can be “on” for my work weekend. 
Love ya Peggy Girl. kissing_heart

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