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First 10 days review   General Chit-Chat

Started May-6 by Musivore; 37635 views.
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jun-11

No, D-Day was good as far as not smoking or thinking about it much, or was thinking about quitting in a very positive way actually. I did go downtown after work, yes, as I have every night for a while now. Around smokers a bit down there, but easy to walk away too...from the cigarettes and weed (legal here) anyway. There was the inevitable inescapable smoke of other sorts that could not be avoided but that is expected if one chooses to partake in these events and stays long enough. That...as I call it acrid smoke, sucks but is transient, and certainly doesn’t spark a desire for cigarettes. And though I had someone offer me a smoke, readily said “no, thanks” and felt good doing that too.

Seattle was different. I lived there for 10 years at a very interesting time of my life and went to University there. Still kind of processing what flipped my switch briefly. Will come back to it as I certainly don’t want it to be left with the spiraling sort of feeling that post has for some. I also don’t want to inspire anyone to smoke, no matter how briefly. But yeah, delving deeper and giving and getting clarification, as with most things, will likely be useful....? 
Good news...didn’t finish those even though in that moment I thought I would, and interestingly...so far...it seems to have been even more of release. 
Battle wounds are another story I won’t go into here. Suffice it to say, our nation is a big battle wound that is resonating around the world. Any I might have pale so drastically in comparison that it would not even be fitting to write about in that context. 
I LOVE you vulture analogy. Will definitely expound on that with your permission, of course.

And yes...my stepson gave me a SCOBY! It left Seattle with great symbolism for both us. Perhaps even some worth writing about. 

Three cheers and a Kombucha to you, Peggy Dear. I am glad we found each other here. Thank you for being pure and honest and you.

In reply toRe: msg 111
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jun-11

Ahhh...and yes...forgot to add...on that seesaw... JOY will always win for she is the one with the capable wings to jump off and leave sorrow landing squarely on the ground to return to the dust from which it comes. For this... is the way and direction I choose to fly...

Musivore

From: Musivore

Jun-12

Hey Lore, I've returned to find this beautiful emotive prose of yours, which reveals more the harder you look. I get a sense, just a small sense mind you, of what you were going through when you wrote that. And I hope things have settled since then for you, because none of us can feel as much as you did when you wrote that, for it to remain a healthy force in the long run for you.

But in the short run, if I had been placed in the sorrowful smoky landscape that you found yourself in, and if I had then sensed the same hazy and promising picture of relief and familiarity that you did during this heightened moment, I think I would then have reached out also, as you did. And I hope reaching out did indeed give you the familiarity and the respite that you so dearly needed.  And I hope also that you do not feel any less of a woman for making the choice that you did.

Thank you for being honest and sharing that with us so beautifully. I've not really been browsing much of the forum recently, as I've been herding my own demons elsewhere, but I hope things are a little more settled for you Lore.

CC to Loreficent
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jun-13

Well, emotive and poetic prose is not with pitfalls. As I said to Peggy yesterday, I felt a need to stop back and expound a bit as it does seem to have sent a bit of unintended message. It started as a way to "confess" that I had been smoking that evening and give a picture of the space I was in; it was very different from a typical crave/cave.  Having not wanted to go into details of circumstances that had surrounded the day of protests, I am afraid my obliqueness of writing left more intimation to a dark space than what was actually there for me.

Seattle holds a very special place in my heart, not only because my stepson lives there, but for the decade I lived there on my own. And what a decade it was in so many glorious ways. At times it is hard to sort out, but I cannot seem to return there without so much resurfacing. Way more so even than if returning to where I was born and lived the first 25 years of my life. Seattle is where I met my daughter's dad, and though when I go there I am reminded of a love lost, I also have the sense of love found again, in my daughter and in my stepson, whom neither would be in my life without what is now a foggy snippet of memory...
I am not saying the past few weeks have not been full of feeling and passion for me, as they have been in very profound ways. That moment and writing though was actually of and from a place of such a great sense of calm and clarity and memory and reflection. Though I don't underestimate addiction to nicotine, I do believe it was a moment in my life when I actually smoked while being disconnected from the addict voice (though there must be some small role) and in a space of astute awareness of what I generally call my "wise mind" and in this reference, “third eye Cinema ".
Yes, there were certainly things going on that night that were painful to watch and be part of, but they too will hopefully have an outcome of respite and bring some peace and joy and change in the end. 
I don't want to give a boring dissection of what I wrote, and don't want to bring any polarized political fodder to this, but I do want to give you all, my dear friends, an apology for it having given the sense of me having been in a place of great sorrow. I wrote more to express that I was in a place of respite, and yet with an awareness of the pain of the world, the awareness of my foggy memories, an awareness of the earth, and how she still is providing and tangible, awareness of those who went before us fighting the fights we still fight for humanity, awareness of love lost yet still present and clung to; my children, and an awareness of the current history in the making. 
Yes, it was a deeply and profoundly moving night. I believe the smoking was just a part of it, that in that moment, resonated with me and provided a disconnected sort of familiarity while I was caught up in history past and history present. 
Yes, Muse...there was a great deal of feeling in it, and it was a picture of joy to have been very centered and calm and watching the feelings all play out, and the green acrid smoke added a very surreal touch. I agree, nobody could be healthy to be in a place of such constant heightened awareness and that is not sustainable ( or desirable) for me either. Nor can anybody can be healthy being completely numb. A bit of disconnect and observation though, for me, often brings some clarity, and in this case, respite and reflective joy.
Anyway...thanks for reading, for listening, for loving, for the support. I didn't finish that pack and have had no cravings since. I do believe they were largely a shared moment of familiarity as the day does not seem to have challenged my strength. 
Now I will go check on John the Agave...because yes, in a world full of great sorrows, in the end, some joy will always rise...
Elizaquits

From: Elizaquits

Jun-13

"...morally speaking, there is no limit to the concern one must feel for the suffering of human beings, that indifference to evil is worse than evil itself, that in a free society, some are guilty, but all are responsible."

                        --  Abraham Heschel 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jun-13

In. A. Nutshell.

Smoking or not pales in ways, the struggle that we allow to ensue over it in the grand scheme, yes?

Let these moments empower us and realize...it is not a struggle but merely a choice that we have freedom to exercise and execute.

euknight

From: euknight

Jun-13

Thanks sweet Lore.

I like the crave/ cave identifier.  Aptly put. Wow, Seattle does bring a lot up for you!!!  Thank you for sharing all that which  is connected to your soul in that city.  I would be bothered a lot to see the unrest in a town I spent so much time in my past.  A lot of emotion no matter what kind,  is a trigger for me. So far moments of revelation have not been a problem and have been quite the opposite. Guess we all have to learn what the danger zones are for us.  The emotion around me I pick up on too....dang it!!  There is no way I could have stayed in that situation.  Even watching it on TV....cannot do it.  I am very sensitive.  My mother use to say I was too sensitive.  So be it.  I have a purpose because of it.

Even tho you didn’t hear the enemy whispering, be assured he was there.

I go back to the desire to stop has to be greater than to smoke.. When I feel this is questionable,  It is time to distract, retreat, run whatever like a wild banshee.  If I really want to smoke I am just going to.  Sometimes I wonder if I will be in this cocoon forever.  I have made some plans to venture out to a few social events but taking it slow.  I acknowledge my weakness readily

I will continue to think about lovely, admirable, honest and simple things.  All which generate peace.  It is my medicine.

Hoping you are in good spirits and ready to stay on the path with firm resolve and your heart is wrapped around the belief that you are so worth the fight.  We say you are;  so be strong.  Rest more, eat well.  You make a big difference in many lives.  Thanks for being here

Peggy

5-8-20

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jun-14

Ahhh...my dear Peggy...

I am so happy to hear from you, and you have completely made my day. First and out of the way, yes, I am still smoke free. I’m not sure how much more I want to analyze that several hours, but, I do agree with you there was likely the addict voice involved in that somehow, though it still is not apparent the play that was made. I would like to blame that little piece for sure! But it was such a detached day for my wiser self really, in a good way. I felt present and cognizant of pretty much everything and not panicked or angsty at all. So, perhaps, the enemy, as you call it, has a slyness that yet escapes my grasp and cognition. If that is the case, it won’t hide forever. 
Perhaps just Seattle in and of itself as a trigger and I reached for what I reached for when I lived there...smokes. I did feel a conscious “I’m gonna stop and get these and carry on” kind of thing with very little thought or feeling in addition other than an awareness of I knew it would be temporary. Who knows. Perhaps the addict part needed some closure. 
So...I’m gonna let it rest a bit and see what declares itself.

I think it is wonderful that you have your awareness and acceptance of your sensitivity. What a blessing, and yes, a curse, yes? And the beauty that emanates in you is a ray of sunshine from there to Portland for me. I am sad that you were told you were too sensitive. Not sure how comfortable you are with me expounding on that, so will hold back. I will ask though, do you think that smoking became a way to mask that? I have been reading about what is called Highly Sensitive People, as my daughter is one. I am close, but not quite.  There is actually quite a lot of research in that area lately. It previously is something that the Psychology world did not understand well initially. Now, my dear, it is increasingly recognized as gifted for a variety of reasons. One big one is the ability of intuition and capacity for empathy. Anyway...I do recognize the need for you to have space and peace and lower levels of external stimulation and noise in all of it’s forms, not just the audible. 
I have a need, an absolute and outright need, for a few hours each day of literal isolation from people. If my morning doesn’t start with it for the first hour I am not a good person to be around. So, I make it happen. Every single day. I also need this at night after dark. I wait for the dark and it is what always feels like a most welcoming part of the day, like I know I get to “come home” to myself and just be quiet with me. Usually I walk, and more so now than ever with not smoking and I love it. Now, don’t go thinking I am a vampire or something and have an aversion to sunshine as I love love love that too. Problem is...I don’t want to miss any of it.

Anyway..point is...I remain envious of where you live, out in the country. It sounds like it is the perfect place for you and I am happy you have that solace.

Gonna walk off now actually....I am very much wanting to hear more about the lovely, simple, admirable and honest things that are your medicine. 
Thank you for your sweet and loving acceptance Peggy. It makes me feel good for you to tell me I’m worth the fight. I’ll keep it up for sure. 
Know too that you help others and make a big difference too. I will be thinking about you.
 

DebraAnne60

From: DebraAnne60

Jun-14

so, in plain simple english, you smoked your brains out the other day

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Jun-14

Yes, after 8 cigarettes, that day is a wash.

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