Formerly known as the About.com Smoking Cessation support forum, this community is open to all who are recovering from nicotine addiction.
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Well...Kombucha not bottled yet. It tasted too sweet still so am gonna give it a couple few more days of first ferment. I was able to get to the brewery store today and pick up some really nice swing top bottles, so am happy about that.
And, Peggy dear, I have managed to stay awake all day! Of course I didn’t get up till near 10. By the way...That cup of Joe has not arrived yet...? Lol. Had my first piano lesson since the start of pandemic and that seems to have lifted my spirits tremendously. One because my piano teacher and his husband are very dear friends of mine, and now Pat’s too. Before Covid hit we would get together usually once a month for dinner or games or just to hang out. Today was a bit of a trigger though as last time I had a lesson we were still going out to have a smoke after. So, today I went and just hung out while he smoked. It was hard for about 2 minutes then I realized how bad it smelled and his husband and I chided him about it a bit. It’s interesting as he has this amazing and very captivating voice and one would not think he is a smoker at all. So...I survived and didn’t cave. Yay!
Also, Peggy...have been thinking about you since. I am starting on learning to play the R.E.M. song “Nightswimming” and it just made think about you going for your swims nightly and how mesmerizing that likely is this time of year with the heat you have. Of course that song...is so lyrically moving and beautiful and emotionally resonant on many levels for me. It just gets me lost and so thoughtful and reminiscent...entwined in so many memories and just totally captured within it. Another one that I could, and sometimes do just put on repeat for 15-20 minutes while walking. Mmmm. I do think to really escape in this song it is helpful to have gone night swimming at some point in one’s life..? Maybe not, but since this is something I used to do on those hot, humid and sometimes almost mystical depending who I was with, July and August Michigan nights... yeah...these things live on inside of us, yes? Not unlike how many songs do. So many songs bring back that feeling of naivety or innocence and spontaneity and just plain feeling of being alive. Or in love. Or free. Or wandering. Or the feeling of the moon on my face and the breeze on my skin...Or feeling like you could just move forever. Man.
So yeah...didn’t smoke...learning a new song...got to see loved ones...such a good and fulfilling day. Just wearing time out now and waiting for it to be walk time. Going to the Coast tomorrow. That will be good too. The ocean always has a way of healing and rejuvenating my soul. I do think I might stay out there for the night and perhaps a little night swimming will be good. That water is pretty cold this far north though so you can’t stay in there too long without a wetsuit even this time of year. Bummer to have wear it, but I will. Anyway...listen to that song before you swim tonight if you get this. I’m sure you’ll like it if you don’t already....So so lovely.
Just listened to that YouTube song link...The Sound of Silence. Beats S&G in my opinion.
O my that guy can sing !!!!!” On top of that he is hot. What a range. Listened to Down with the Sickness Germany concert from 2008. (His band I guess Disturbed) Now that use to be my preferred beat. That guy is too good for that song. Ironic song looking at what we are up against today. Those concerts.......am grateful I have frequented many of those big ole outdoor concerts. May be a thing on the past. Hmmmmmm
I got up early for errands. Finally sent back some clothes, got inspection sticker...due last April. Called Dr.s and Pool store. Need to go there Wed. Made pasta salad and muffins for tribe tomorrow. Surprised I got everything done I was gonna do!!
Yeah!! Had some whining craves yesterday. Really nauseating little buggers. . A real irritant, so slowly changing schedule around again cos I won’t stop eating at night!!! Don’t even know what I was thinking about...need to start writing that down again! Get stuff done early and swim in AM instead of night? Don’t know how that is gonna work. Sleeping all day I snack all night....weight went up from last week....grrrrrrr....despite increase in laps. Not thrilled.
Are you going to the beach? Donned in wet suit? I bet it is spectacular!!!
Probably a good time to go!! Have you been since you quit?
One of the tribe had a coworker test positive so everyone that worked the shift she had symptoms at has to get tested, go home for 2 weeks. She did not work that shift but has no idea what they all will have to do. Big store. Hobby Lobby. Do y’all have those?
Was mesmerized by your dairy farm experience. Another chapter in your book.......
Have a beautiful smoke free day!! Yay, you are off!!
Oh Peggy...this was the most glorious of days.... Definitely filling the soul. Hunkering down here for the night and just turned my phone on for first time since I left this morning to call Pat and let him know I’m ok. Took this just before I called him. Mmmmmm.
First time to this spot since I quit. Snuck out to the coast a couple months ago for the day to different place. This here is my favorite. Haven’t thought about it all day till now. I really used to enjoy one when sleeping outside. Not tonight. Got gum now.
Will write more tomorrow.... phone going off again now.
Oh, it was so beautiful.
Home now. Am gonna be sore! I welcome that as it lets me know I did something to stretch my body some. I definitely noticed better breathing and more stamina on this hike I did. Also...I know you don’t like sand, but let me tell you...there is nothing like walking in sand for a couple of hours to soften the feet!
So...yeah. I’m glad that cream story made you laugh. I think people underestimate sometimes the “baby” of the family and what they take in and learn. I definitely ended up the more adventurous one of the bunch. I often wonder if that is because by the time I became more of age my folks were worn out from riding herd on all of my older sibs! All I can say is one would have to be absolutely nuts to have 8 kids nowadays. This one you can maybe relate to...can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve been asked if my family is Catholic. That’s when I tell people how my Mom used to tell me “If they’d of had the pill in my day you all wouldn’t be here!”. She didn’t start saying that till I was like 20, and it just cracked me up!
I do wish she and my Dad would have been upset when I started smoking. They didn’t say much really. Maybe cause my dad smoked? My other 2 sibs who smoked started when they were like 18 and both gave it up in their 30’s. I think there is definitely something to starting as a teen that forms some connections in our brains that makes it hard to undo. But, I don’t know many people that started in their 20’s or 30’s so I guess big tobacco is on to something to target youth. Young prey, easy targets....
Anyway...You’re funny...another chapter in my book. I don’t see me writing one really. When you mentioned coffee and cream, it prompted that memory. Have tons of associations and memories, as we all do, but I can’t sit down and bring them into a coherent storyline. They just pop up here and there. Kind of like the nauseating craves you mentioned! I wouldn’t be too worried Peggy about a few pounds when you quit. I think that is much better than to continue smoking and in the long run way less detrimental to your health. It will come back off. Cut carbs like starch stuff. My weight stayed stable the first month and I found I was actually eating less not smoking. Then I started walking and very quickly was up to 2 hours a day, now 3-4 most days and I’ve dropped 10 pounds. Maybe swim twice a day instead of add your laps all at once? Or walk in the morning and swim at night? Or just don’t worry about it right now and be mindful of sweets and carbs and know it will come back off!
Yeah...that song is pretty powerful and yes...singer is quite enticing. He trained as a Cantor when younger. I’ve listened to some interviews with him and he is quite a guy. Do you mean Metal used to be your preferred beat?? I wouldn’t have guessed that. I love a lot of older Metal bands like Metallica and Iron Maiden and others. It’s funny how people assume things about bands based on the art to album covers, etc. Once you listen to the lyrics of most of it you realize it is loaded with passion about stuff usually pertaining to the state of the world and the dark side of human nature really. Most of it is way deeper than what one would think on the surface. I’m with you too...glad I got to see a lot of shows when younger. Probably a thing of the past, for a while anyway. Right now I am sorely missing some local music fests that would be happening. They are the only crowd thing I did.
So your friend that got potentially exposed to COVID19. Bummer. Something has to give with this. Read about a young man in Texas that was 30 that died. Supposedly he went to an “exposure party” where most of them were thinking it is a hoax. Story in the paper said the last thing he said to his Nurse was “I think I made a mistake”. Well...I don’t want to start a big thing here, but, yes...our country is making big mistakes. Bottom line is this...from day one this should have been left to the Epidemiologists and Virologists and people that actually know something about science and disease, like maybe health care officials to run the show. Instead...with politicians running it, we have what we have. Won’t say more but will add if this offends anyone just PM me and I’ll happily remove that part here. And I’m sending a little prayer out there that all of us here will be here at the end of the day to see how this finally plays out and can discuss and dissect it in hindsight. It is definitely a very very unpredictable bug with not enough known yet to mess around with. I do not want it. Hope your friend and her colleague are ok! Oh, and we don’t have Hobby Lobby here but I’ve heard about it. Glad we don’t really as my yarn stash is already out of control! That’s a Winter thing for me and I crochet lots of stuff while watching Netflix. We’ll see though what happens with that as now there is not much chance of me giving up a couple hours walking at night....may be sending you some more yarn! Lol!
Hugs to you my friend. I’m in dire need of a bath and a nap! Will say that falling asleep to the sound of the Mighty Pacific was absolute H.E.A.V.E.N. Worth every grain of sand on me, and mud on legs, and every sore part of my body. Definitely feel a bit renewed....
So...did you ever give up doing something and then look back in a day or two and have it just burning inside? Well...that is where I’m at. Hard to explain, and there is a guy on here who may know exactly the place I’m talking about as he lives in PDX, but I gotta go back to the coast, either later today or tomorrow. It was a rock face at the end of a beach called Short Sands. I was on the trail above and didn’t want to take the muddy trail all the way back. There is a cut down to the beach that you had to do a fair amount of it on your butt through some trees and it was steep but had roots to grab onto. It led to a spot that was maybe about 30-40 feet down a rock slope...kind of steep, but not smooth so lots of hand holds. That was the last stretch and I was almost there. I chickened out as I watched the tide coming in. It’s a heck of a spot to sit and watch the surfers...anyway...something inside me said not to and so I ended up going back up which was probably a lot harder and is the reason my shoulders are now quite sore. So...this is nagging at me so bad! All I keep thinking is how hard it is to quit smoking and I shied away from that slope...? Now I know how doable it is and I have to do it.
The thought of it and the regret of it had me awake a fair amount of the night. Seems I just can’t let the regret of not trying harder go.
So...I think quitting smoking does give a sense of courage and determination. In hindsight anyway.
Plus it is a good reason to go back and since I’m blessed with it being only a bit over an hour away...and still have 2 days off after today... why not?
I think quitting smoking has turned me a bit more OCD.... yay. Either that or boredom strikes. Or need for another escape...
Hey Lor, I think you are currently looking for an escape. Escape from the thoughts of smoking, the news/world. I know I’m currently looking for that too, just in a different way. This is definitely a hard addiction to break! But WOW we have come so far! We just need to fill our minds, bodies, thoughts with a perfect distraction to keep us on track!
Yours is your adventurous nature. Just think of yourself climbing back up there and being so out of breath, but still trying to light up that cig! We are crazy! I climbed Pikes Peak in Colorado, and took smoke breaks on the side. It was crazy! I was crazy! But I found this forum and You to keep me on track! The world may be disheartening right now, but we will be get through eventually to the other side as non smokers!
Yesss! I did it! More later...gotta get to my sleep spot as getting dark. But yes! Eve...can’t type on phone good and don’t like being on it here but big big hugs to you Saint Eve!
Ok, Saint Eve...
So, yeah. I ended up coming back late last night... as I was laying there looking up at Orion’s Belt it kind of hit me that if I didn’t come back then, I might not at all (not in a bad way!) so I figured I better get on the road and get back home. Man...what an amazing drive it was too. It’s been warm at night here finally and having the windows down, driving back over the Coast Range, nothing but my headlights on and the wind in the car and my music blaring...ahhh. Was almost as good as going down that darn slope I tell you! Gotta be mindful of the occasional deer that is out but it was late enough that all the smart ones were already bed down for the night. I LOVE night drives. They have the same resonance as night swimming, lol! Go figure...
So...yeah..escape. You know...as I look at the world around us, yes. Of course. There is all that wreckage and crumble and despair and struggle. Could add in much more, but do I need to? I mean, we all feel it, yes? But we all have choices, like you said, on how to handle all of that. I’m not one to stay down for long, and I thank the spirit world whatever that is, and my Mom for that. I’m gonna pay the price too as my daughter is becoming more like this every single day. Such a strong and fierce little soul she is. Mmmm. But I also know the price she will pay for being this way, as I pay it daily. But...would I trade being in this world and walking through it numbly in order to protect myself from it for carrying the weight of it? No. Because carrying the weight of it is fulfilling and joyful and giving and passionate and kind and, well...just plain LIVING in my opinion. Because even pain let’s us know we are alive, right? So, thank goodness we all get to choose what makes us or breaks us to a good extent as far as all that. Yes, it is a sense of adventure for sure. And longing and seeking... I’ve pretty much let go of the role smoking has played in it for me as far as escape and void and all that. I guess I’m still looking for a way to fill that space at times? That’s ok too.
So..remember when I had that slip in early March? Man. That messed with my head! And I could not get around the connection of that feeling with what I felt on Monday when I chickened out on going down the slope! It was this thing that I knew in the moment I would be ok if I just did it, but there was this little voice saying “no”. Same thing back then...little voice saying just keep going and ride the wave, then some other little voice saying “no, just smoke”. Well, it wasn’t the addict voice that kept me from going down the slope, but it came from a similar space in my head. A space that I identify with fear, or reluctance, or a crutch, or a fake semblance of safety and comfort. I’m trying to have this make sense, so bear with me... Anyway, something in me held me back and I regretted it, just like something in me made me smoke that time and I regretted it. So that parallel had me drive back out and conquer it this time. And now...I got one more thing inside of me that has built something positive and stronger and gives me energy to keep carrying the weight. Just had to do it. And I did! After I felt really silly not just having done it on Monday, but, I wouldn’t have learned as much from it if I had then, and I wouldn’t carry as much meaning with me now as I have. And...getting to go to the ocean twice in a few days?? Heck yes! What would I have been doing otherwise? Sitting around reading or puttering, or cleaning, or doing laundry, or pulling weeds, or...thinking about smoking? Well, all that didn’t go anywhere and it is still waiting right here for me. And today I’ll put it all off a bit more as I am bottling my Kombucha today! Yes! It is ready for a secondary ferment...just like me. Except I am on about my millionth of a ferment and keep hoping for that day I turn out into a nice fine wine that is ready to drink! Lol! There is gonna be a big problem one day though if there is someone or something that ever tries to bottle me...whoa, and woe be to that! Too busy living and loving and crying and giving and taking and making for all of that!
So...go find your hill or slope or run or swim or walk or sleep or dreams or whatever fills your soul. Cause if your waiting around for the world to bring it to you, or hiding from what the world will give you if you step out a bit...you’re gonna miss a lot. I’m gonna be selfish and take all of this life I can get before that old man time wears my butt out as I am insatiable with and for life. That...is mainly why I went back. Worth every little bruise and scrape and soreness. Just like all other things that have brought me joy....
I am rereading and catching up on your writings. Two days off the forum and so much happens!!! So yes, most of me is back, lol, thanks to You all.
I was looking at your piano lesson experience. Very cool you are doing that, btw. My poor mama threw up her hands about that for me when I was young as I skipped out on most my lessons. I hear ya about those old get togethers gone which kind of knocks one off kilter a tad. But so interesting this was your first not smoking experience with a close smoker friend. I am so glad you talked about this because I am doing that tonight.
This friend and her daughter are coming over for dinner and a swim about 6. We have been through a lot together; originally met in AA. She doesn’t know I quit yet. I will be thinking gross cigarette thoughts. They won’t be here long cos her husband just had hip replacement surgery. I have her daughter to focus on whom I adore and have not seen in a long time. If she smokes in the pool, I will just do my laps and enjoy being able to breathe.
Love your words about songs that trigger so many memories. Aren’t you glad we got to embrace the rock of the 70’s-80 ‘s???. Good stuff. My music interests are all over the map....kind of like my brain....very diverse. I mostly listen to Christian music nowadays . (There is actually some pretty good Christian metal as well which I listen to at the gym). The lyrics take me to high places of love and comfort. I am elevated through praise in a way not unlike that picture you posted of sunset on the ocean. It is transforming for sure. I prefer quiet over music usually though at home. To me that is like music. Silence is a song for sure.
Hugs to you