Formerly known as the About.com Smoking Cessation support forum, this community is open to all who are recovering from nicotine addiction.
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Hey life at times throws us curve balls, and that’s when people tend to say “I wasn’t ready got that, and it’s challenging so I am going to cave.”
You didn’t do that, so that’s how I would look at your Aunts visit as a test/learning time. Because life is always an up and down thing, you needed to be shook up from your routine, otherwise you may be tempted to go buy when a real upsetting thing happens!
Just be grateful when she leaves, you will cherish your alone time more with John!
Just wanted to respond to this visual and there is one other for later...
“Ahhh...what an amazing walk back across the bridge and through the neighborhoods. Not quite as warm tonight but still enough heat coming up off the streets from earlier today and in the air to carry the smell of all the Jasmine. Magnolias are blooming too and I just love the fresh almost lemony smell of them. The blossoms...so big it takes both of my hands to cup them. Mmmm. In some ways I want to live where the nights are like this year round, but then I wonder if I would appreciate it less?
Walked by John on the way home. Amazing. I think he’s going to make it a full year. I talked to the owner of the place about a week or so ago when my Nurse friend was here and we walked down there and he was out gardening. I didn’t notice the spike till last October but he said it started in August. Makes sense as he is up pretty high from the street and the spike would need to get up above the plant a bit for me to see it from below. I asked him if he was just going to let it topple on it’s own and he said yes so I was really happy to hear that. That darn plant has so much symbolism for m”
Jasmine and magnolia...lemony smell. Whoa....I love that. Our soil is not acidic enough to grow Magnolia but when I was in East Texas going to school they were amazing. The way the rain fills them up like lovely little ladles. Those scents....also gardenia definitely a tropical vibe. You have mentioned New Zealand and Spain...wonder if they have those....surely the islands do off the coast. I agree about the seasonal bringing more appreciation. I love changing seasons. I get so thrilled when we have snow.....and Fall colors....nothing like it. For me it wud be difficult to have the same weather all the time. Besides I am allergic to gardenia and magnolia....lol
As far as John goes, is he not a marker for all of us for 2020?. We are ALL rising above the racial unrest, Covid and kicking smoking out the doe for good!!! Yes sista and bruthas....unite!!! So nice having this family on here, like amazing.!!,
This all brings me to the subject of change. Change is always the worst thing to deal with in recovery of any substance!! Take alcohol and drugs...any change usually sets the newcomers into an avalanche of tears and fears. I guess that is cos the one thing we learned to depend on has been taken away.....so every change is equated with this trauma....in our case tobacco, nicotine, chemicals in cigs.......Now it is recommended we change things around??? Really?? Yep, establishing new patterns. Even people without addictions have an adjustment period...just not end of the world level of fear pain whatever and physical withdrawal. Lol. We are survivors, warriors, overcomers!! Such a better feeling than living in defeat; doing the same thing we have always done and feeling like crap about it. Kudos to all new healthy habits!}. Your long walks, Lore, I tip my hat off to ya!!! Glad you went to that farm with Georgia. That is a beautiful visual too!!! Like stepping into an Anne of green Gables book.....Love!,!
ok I am totally up with labeling the ice cream!! Absolutely!! Not rude!! This is survival we are talking about!! Such a tremendous idea. So simple. Yes, Eve!!! Take her up on it, Lore.....
I LOVE THESE NOTE IDEAS. Yes.....consequences will be severe!!!
Lol. Bravo!! Yes that’s the thing...you can hide cookies in obscure locations. Not ice cream. My nephew ate all 35 of my mozzarella cheese sticks last time so am hiding half under the flatbreads and tortillas this time. Maybe I will put a note on it...
pS I did write my quit date wrong but LOVE the eye closed....
You just saved my soul...and likely that of the Auntie too! Lol! Yeah..I’m wearing a little thin. Sat out on a curb whilst she went into the Dispensary. Not cause I’m afraid to go in there but cause I am not going to purchase anything and they had folks waiting in line to get in due to limits on occupancy. Told her to get stocked up as I’m not going back! Then she dozed off in the car on the way home! It’s like 2 miles!! So...I was wondering...is she supplementing how she used to smoke cigarettes with weed? I think so. Like I said...love her dearly, but am at the point where I’m wondering what she is really like?? I mean, I do know, but, seriously...there are not to many un....what is the word for not high? Would it still be sober? Uninfluenced? I don’t even know! Lol! Anyway...she talked me into playing some songs for her on the piano. Since I haven’t seen her for a few years she really wants to hear me play. Was just starting lessons I think last time I saw her. So, I LOVE my piano. I am not one who likes to play for people though. I play for me. My last piano teacher had recitals 2 times a year and it took her a long time to talk me into playing at one. I did it though. Played that song from the movie “Once” called “Falling Slowly”. The only reason I did it was my daughter went up with me and signed the lyrics. So it ended up being pretty beautiful cause of that really. I always think people using Sign Language is beautiful and when I watch the videos of that recital I get caught up cause it is really pretty watching my daughter! She saved me on that really. She is used to performing and very comfortable. I am not and never will be. So having her there and knowing that there was something for people to be watching instead of just watching me play really helped! I can play for the Aunt though. Last couple of years Portland had this thing where they had pianos placed around town, like in parks, and in front of the art museum, etc. for folks to just stop and play and I did that a couple times when there wasn’t too many people around. Anyway...she is likely to fall asleep on the couch while I play anyway! Haha! Or be too stoned to remember it...
Yes...I love that you see John as symbolic for all of us!! Rising above...staying strong...holding his own and holding steady. It is good to think that spike was there before COVID. Won’t be after, but still is now, so I will stay in the moment with him whilst he stands and allow him to bear witness as I send my Love out nightly...to you and Eve and Susan and Tiny...All my friends here who have had the patience and given grace for me to natter on and talk myself out of smoking or crying...all those that were here like Ana and Dee...Across the Pond to those I love there and all of family that falls in between. Yes...we are all stronger for what we share here and it is joyful really to share our struggles and triumphs, yes? And tonight the kisses go off with the lovely and sultry and intoxicating scent of all the Jasmine Peggy dear especially for you so the Magnolias will not make you sneeze!
Good morning Eve...
I am in need of a Saint this AM. Why am I up since 5:15 when I don’t go in to work until 1pm?? Well...Aunt has cancelled ticket back. Why? She is ill. Yup. Is it Covid? Don’t know. She came to work yesterday and was seen and is awaiting results. Ugh. Yes, in hindsight when I got home that night to her text that she was coming I should have called back and said “Don’t!” Right? Yes. There are a few reasons I didn’t, which are still valid reasons...I did ask her if she wanted to stay in a hotel and said I would help her with that, but of course she didn’t want to, and perhaps given the situation I should have. Truthfully I was more worried about me bringing something to her than her bringing something to me. And for all I know this could be the case. At any rate... some of her symptoms match and some don’t. She did say last night if she was positive she would go to a hotel...but exposure is likely done. I have not sat and talked with her, the entire week except outside on my deck. Still, my house is small with one bathroom that has a packet of bleach wipes that I have religiously used on everything for the whole week each and every time I have been in there and had asked she do the same. Kitchen has been well supervised (except for the freezer with the ice cream, obviously). So...wait and see. I told her that even with a negative test, her symptoms according to CDC guidelines still require she treat herself as positive. So...that is first reason I need a Saint. My own stupidity in not being assertive and telling her not to come in the first place. Second reason??? Well...now we are getting in to trigger territory here, though with the first reason it is enough to stop me, but 2nd reason is I got a text from Stepson just before I left work telling me he was proud of my rendition of La Valse d’Amélie. This is the one of the songs that I played for her whilst she unknowingly to me sat behind me on my couch recording it and then posted on her FB. Yup. So, me, who has NO social media except for this forum now has a video on someone else’s! We went round last night a bit when I politely asked her to remove it. Her argument was her account is “friends only”, my argument is they are not my friends. And it is just plain rude in my opinion to do that without my permission and knowledge, right? Yes. So even though she is a bit ill, I stood my ground and went my rounds in a very assertive way with this. Stepson is gonna text me this AM and let me know it is removed as I expect. Ugh. Well...you know what they say about fish and relatives after three days? Yes...it is right now true.
Im gonna go see John. He darn well better be there. Was last night, but in this world one never knows whence things poof away. Which is the main reason Aunt is still here. I was afraid may have been last time to see her.
Ok Lore, here’s that curve ball I was talking about!
1st off, monitor her symptoms ( I know you know this). How long for test results? Has she been different places than you?
You need to just relax, breathe and try not to worry about what you can’t control.
She may just have a summer cold, not sure what your weather had been like. Do what YOU need to do to keep your sanity.
Wait for results and breathe. Remember she may be just fine. I remember in the beginning of pandemic you (me too) we were highly on edge. You of course had more reasons to be, but you prevailed and continued to do your job. Has it gotten better? My opinion,.....NO......but we have learned to deal/accept/function in this very high stressful time!
You will get through this TOO!
Facebook issue, I agree with you. If you are uncomfortable about the video then she needs to respect that. You didn’t authorize her to post it.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
Hope this helps
Yes, it helps tons, thank you. I do doubt she has Covid, but who knows...? It is a very unpredictable disease with a broad spectrum of presentation.; which is what makes it scary really. As far as I know she hasn’t been around anyone else. I have taken her to the store a couple of times and we both wore mask in the car with windows down. She should get results today. She actually seems fine to me this AM when I got back just now. Said she feels better but is worried she will feel bad again later today as that’s what happened yesterday. From what I’ve seen and heard of COVID19 it does not behave that way. She could have mild case and is in the mend, but I doubt it would come and go and get bad again later today. But who knows? I’ve certainly been exposed a lot since February, and the PPE lame as it is some days based on availability has so far seemed to do it’s job. And I’m grateful. Will let you know about results.
As far as the FB thing...that is what makes me mad. I would not even dream of posting anything anywhere without explicit permission of the person! Ever. And to have my Stepson tell me about it?? He is on her friend list as she is his Great Aunt. I will say honestly it crossed my mind driving by the gas station last night on my home from work I did have a fleeting thought of stopping to get smokes, which totally bummed me out about myself! I didn’t do it but felt bad even thinking about it. Actually said to myself out loud “what would that fix?” So I view that as progress for sure. Then I had the thought again after my discussion with her and she couldn’t understand why I was not happy. She said I should be proud of myself for playing the song so nicely and that she was and that was why she posted it. She just totally doesn’t get my feeling of her invasion of my privacy! But this is a woman who has many many times come up unannounced and visits. Peggy said something about a relative having the feeling of “open door policy “ and how maybe it used to be that way more. I do see a theoretical beauty to that...and I will always have an open door policy for my kids...but even my sisters who visited wouldn’t operate like this.
So, yes, am breathing and walking and trying very hard to embrace the differences in people...but am struggling to define my boundaries too. I recognize that there is a ton of learning to be had from this, and I will have a ton of stuff in hindsight both positive and negative to process and write fodder about! Lol!!
Thank you Eve! Again....
Hey dear Lore,
Smoking won’t make any of this better! It’s ok to prepare for the worse and think the best! Your aunt visit has come at an inopportune time in you quit, when you may be dealing with the icky’s. Good job on venting here instead of smoking.
Sending you something to help for a bit.
Oh, yes! Thank you Susan!!! Thank you so much!
Yes...I told myself I will write here and not smoke and so far it is a huge help! Actually am proud of myself at this point and it is having a positive effect of empowering me...so far!! The thoughts last night were acknowledged and confronted and not acted on. Yay!
Yes...an inopportune time for sure. But...at this point I’m asking myself would there have been a good time for some of the shenanigans?? Lol!! Well...that was not a nice thought and I apologise to the Fates and Universe for it...but it made me laugh at myself anyway!
Good grief. I need my Mountain and space. Which since she cancelled her ticket will not happen this weekend either! Waaaaa!
Will cry later as daughter just came and informed me that Aunt threw her pants in the wash with her clothes and her phone was in her pocket!! I have to go and scream now...
Oh for Pete’s Sake!!
It was daughter’s phone!! Ok. The breathing has just turned to....oh...BUGGERS! She put my daughter’s pants in with her clothes and daughter had phone in her pocket! I know I cannot swear on here. This has gone beyond the usual comedy of errors. Last time the dog and the Emergency Vet bill...now I have a teenager with a soaked iPhone! Holy crap.
This is beyond my limits... there had darn well better be some ice cream for breakfast.