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First 10 days review   General Chit-Chat

Started 5/6/20 by Musivore; 112331 views.
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/9/20

So tell me, after you articulate it here, very eloquently and beautifully, does it seem to take the steam out of them for a bit?

This is a journey. I’m afraid there is not a short cut through the woods. But as one of the mods put it a ways back, it is as much about the journey as it is the end result. Trust the process Shak. We spent a lot of years and time learning to cope through smoking; so much of it we weren’t aware that this is what we were doing. We started at an early age using this drug,  before our frontal lobes had time to develop normally and appropriately, and the effects of nicotine are vast and varied. Think about the teen with the tantrum. Most teens aren’t really overt in their tantrums as they are more “Emo” as they say. But if this is where our normal growth and development stopped due to nicotine taking over as a coping mechanism it makes some sense that we have an element of “arrested development “ so to speak and now we have a somewhat more developed pre-frontal cortex struggling to learn how to process and handle things on their own when they really didn’t learn to do so in the beginning. I’m kind of rambling...more later after I wrap some things up here.

You are doing beautifully my friend. Stay in the moment, drink some ice water slowly through a straw. Deep slow breaths. Music you can focus on. And your writing must certainly be quite cathartic. It surely is for us to read!! Did you know you are helping others with that?

Musivore

From: Musivore

5/9/20

Hey thanks for saying such lovely things Lori. It's more than I deserve, but thank you so much for your kindness (again). 

In answer to your question about whether I find writing about smoking and quitting cathartic, I'd like to say that perhaps it is sometimes. But I think the jury is still out on that one. I am hooked on this place right now for a number of reasons: there is so much to learn from being here, both from the people on here, as well as from the wealth of information and resources that you can get from being here. I am a child in this quitting game, perhaps because I have never given it too much serious thought before. By being here, I'm beginning to understand why I never did (my hidden fear of quitting?) and I am beginning to now see smoking as all of you adults see it. And partly because of this, I am finding this place invaluable - how can I not with people like you here?

But I have to be honest, I'm unsure whether actually writing about my experiences with quitting is helping me or not. I do think there will come a time where I will be better off being just a person - a person who is neither a smoker nor an ex-smoker. And if/when I do become that person, I will stop thinking about the actions that lead me to not smoking, as they will have become effortless and natural to me. The alternatives will have faded into a distant memory, and perhaps then it will be better for me to stop writing here quite as regularly.

As for the frontal lobe thing you mention: this is news to me. I have to read up tonight on this and see exactly what has happened to me when I was a teen, and how that explains some of what is happening to me right now. So thank you again Lori: you are a true diamond, who is full of tiny little gems that I will always greedily sweep up in your trail.
  • Edited May 9, 2020 8:12 pm  by  Musivore
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/9/20

Oh my...well you certainly know how to make one feel good even in the throes of near misery.

So, that is unscientific conjecture on my part. It is perhaps a rationally irrational conclusion from what is known about brain development and handling of emotions, etc. Many folks here expound on the awareness of emotions and some challenges in dealing with them since they have quit. Not just the angst of craves, but the raw feeling and awareness of seemingly new emotions that have arisen since they’ve quit. Some have surmised that they feel this new level of emotions because in the past they have been masked by nicotine. Maybe, maybe not. I can’t speak to that from my experience. But with that other site it is spoken to quite a bit how we have learned to view smoking as pleasure and how it has in our minds become a positive association. Putting two and two together it was my conclusion that it may make sense since most of us started when we were not fully developed intellectually and emotionally. So that is my thought on possible “arrested development” so to speak, and perhaps why we have such a difficult time detaching at this point in our lives from nicotine. Again..,just some conjecture and perhaps only babble on my part and possibly (likely?) no scientific basis available. 
The other possibility is quitting just sucks and it takes a long time to get over it. We live in a fairly “instant” world nowadays. Generally our level of patience is not too high, in particular if we are awaiting a positive result and feeling that is not coming to us in what we expect should be an acceptable time frame. So now we are back to letting nature take her course and have nothing more to soothe us than support from each other and those that have gone before us while we await the release of final recovery and healing. I suspect this is the most likely thing, and it really does just take some time and patience and self acceptance of where we are. Perhaps if we do resist less and surf more we are better off. It is what it is, and will be what it will be. The catch is: smoking won’t change that except to have us start the process over.

You are doing just as you should be. Just keep doing. Smoking has never really done and never will really do anything for us. We just taught ourselves wrong. 
No insult intended when I say we are like teens having tantrums with our craves. I surely hope nobody takes it that way at all! I think we made poor choices when we were younger and started smoking is all. We can learn to make better choices now. And we are! Yay! 
So this is where we grab our bootlaces and march on. It doesn’t really matter what was anyway. It only matters what is. 
Maybe the less we think about it the better!

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/10/20

Ahhh...my distracted brain found the one with the question I knew I had left unanswered. I feel badly for whoever is going to need to provide any care for me in my old age if I happen to lose ALL of my marbles. It is difficult enough for me to keep track of my thoughts even whilst living under my own illusion of my marbles are retained!!
 

She is heavily into the Circus Arts with her first love being Trapeze. Yes, my daughter likes to “fly”. She may also get some secret joy to adding to her mom’s collection of already many silver hairs in doing so. She also is quite adept at something called “Lyra” and acrobatics. Her main goal in life at the tender young age of 17 is to be a performer with Cirque du Soleil. I plan on being there to see her. 

Musivore

From: Musivore

5/11/20

Wow, that sounds such an unusual goal that your daughter has decided to pursue. How did she get into that and realise she had a talent for it? Is it that her talent for acrobatics made her want to soar even further, and she was led eventually to the magical world of being a trapeze performer? It sounds thrilling and dangerous, you do well to watch and encourage it, as I don't think I'd quite have the same strength to do that for my children.

Had a quieter time on here as have been tied up with a really tired spell for most of yesterday. Unsure if that was smoking related, but that could have been partly to blame? And today I've had communication problems over on my side, which I'm still trying to find a workaround for.  This is incredibly frustrating and these frustrations are usually smoke-worthy. But I have a lot of strength behind this quit somehow, so don't think I will break today and the fight will continue.

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/11/20

Good morning Shak!
How are your cravings doing? Is the mindfulness helping? 
Im finding myself quite distracted the past couple of days, definitely not with the desire to smoke, but definitely with desire for fulfillment. Restless describes it some but surely not completely. Perhaps it is lockdown contributions as well, though I am not so affected by those as the things one cannot do here I didn’t do much of anyway. Perhaps restless because I did miss my fabulous trip to places I’ve never been and now feel a very strong, almost overwhelming desire to venture to other places I have not gone. The trip was with my partner’s sister-in—law who is heavy into tech industry and works for a company that sends her all over the world. She asked if I wanted to come on this one and I was to have a week in Vienna  mostly on my own while she worked her very long days. After we were going to Brno and Prague together and she want scheduled to work for that time. I was so looking forward to my week in Vienna by myself. I had many fantasies on how to fill my time. It was such a feeling! It’s funny as my daughter seems as much disappointed as me. She would have stayed here, but she really wanted her mom to have this adventure. There is a large cemetery there I had planned to spend an entire day at which has several famous composers buried within. I love cemeteries; particularly old ones. The oldest I’ve been to here I believe is in Savannah, Georgia, a south eastern state just above Florida. It is fabulous in so many ways with it’s Live Oak Trees and Spanish Moss. It is oddly, perhaps, one of the most romantic places I’ve been in the SE U.S. If you not heard of it you should look it up. Somehow I just transported myself back here to the US and where I am so so so aching to be right now is in Europe....

Musivore

From: Musivore

5/11/20

Awww I'm so disappointed for you Lori. I can feel your pain all the way over here, so it must be an intense throbbing. That does sound like a once in a lifetime opportunity though, so my fingers (and literally everything else) are crossed for you; I do pray that you will get to Europe one day, and when you do, I can assure you that it will not disappoint and will be everything that you have dreamed and hoped it will be, plus more... My family and I were planning a trip to Europe around about the same time. So, strangely enough, our paths could easily have crossed this summer.

As for Georgia, I will look it up. Isn't that the state that has been in the news recently for shooting off the blocks and releasing its lockdown at lightening speed because Trump encouraged it, and then again for getting told off by the same Trump, but on the next day, for releasing its lockdown too soon? I think I'm more interested in the NW actually. I heard that's where all the cool people are? I certainly grew up listening to a multitude of legendary bands from Seattle and we in the UK have held the place in high regard ever since.

Thanks for continuing to write on here Lori. It is keeping me distracted and away from some insane cravings recently.

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/11/20

Mmmm...I bet I could match those insane cravings today Shak.

Yes, that is the place...There is tremendous natural beauty in Georgia though. Entirely different culture from where I am in the NW. I did live there for a time; more on that later.

Many many great bands from Seattle and Portland alike! The music scene is very vibrant here.

Read the good things about Georgia, such as about the wild life and amazing coastal beaches with their pristine white sand and sea turtle nesting sites. Also the swamps are mesmerizing...flowing, hanging Spanish Moss and Alligators. Oh my...The Cypress trees in the swamps look so beautifully eerie. Just don’t forget the bug repellent, and you will need DEET.

Musivore

From: Musivore

5/11/20

Given the choice, NW sounds more appealing. But thanks again, I will definitely look Georgia up, I think most over here would overlook her, because she has a brash and louder sister in Florida, and she draws all of the attention for that region.

Yeah, keeping busy, so much to squeeze in today. So will catch you later Lori blush

  • Edited May 11, 2020 3:45 pm  by  Musivore
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/11/20

I think I said it before, the U.S. is large and quite varied in climates and terrain and not the least of, cultures and cultural difference. It is amazing we are not always in a state of a variety of civil wars. Ugh. What happened in Georgia is abhorrent and unforgivable. 

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