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5 months not smoking but my brain is still trying to lure me back in    General Chit-Chat

Started Sep-19 by Danhugs; 5054 views.
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Sep-23

Well, today would have been my 7 month milestone but I had a day lost to smoking several cigarettes in a day in June and felt the right thing to do was to subtract a day and move that marker to the 24th. Oddly, today I am going with a friend out to her property for the first time since her narrow escape from the fires that are ravaging our state. She lost her home and barn and some of her creatures and is in need of someone to go with her now that it is safe to go there and she will be seeing it for the first time. I’m absolutely dreading this adventure today and feel very selfish even thinking about it being my original quit day. So much has been lost to the burning and there is still so much smoke of a different sort. I am most fearful of actually finding the remains of her one dog that she at the last minute had to leave behind. I know she is going there with hope to see him walk out of the haze as Peggy had said some creatures do. I’m writing with the very selfish hope that we at least don’t find his charred bones. Though maybe, like writing about memories of smoking, it would be good to do so as it would give her some closure...? I think I needed to write that out to bring me round to seeing this differently so I can be supportive for her today. It was your remark about writing and putting thoughts to bed so as to redirect focus where it is needed, so thank you. I think I can do this now. Without wanting to smoke. 

Danhugs

From: Danhugs

Sep-23

That's good. Sometimes writing out your thoughts makes it easier to process. Can imagine wanting to grab a smoke to dampen the emotions you might be feeling when embarking on a journey like that with a close friend. All credit to you. Keep the emotions raw and unpolluted and grounded in reality and your better for it. My partner used to always say I would hide behind my cigarettes when things got emotional. I find now it was just a false sense of security. Like a seat belt on a plane. I find emotional stuff easier now. Hope everything works out for your friend. Life is rough sometimes. Take care. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Sep-24

Yes, life is rough at times. There are days that Nature leaves no choice with keeping emotions raw and grounded in reality. I wrote about it another thread so won’t bore you with it here. You are right, maybe better to face things head on rather than hide behind the veil of smoking, or maybe even not smoking. Your partner sounds wise. My friend will be ok in time. Thanks again.

  • Edited September 24, 2020 4:34 am  by  Loreficent
DanJF3

From: DanJF3

Sep-25

I definitely relate to the things you have posted here.  I quit at the beginning of the year and I feel a lot more engaged with life now which honestly some days is a good thing and some days not so good but yeah, smoking really is a crutch and I found it to numb my emotions and generally be a source of unhappiness.

While this quit has been much longer than most of my previous attempts by far and hopefully is the one that lasts a lifetime, I still get those fond memories of when I enjoyed smoking and it creates mild cravings.  Apparently my brain associates beautiful fall weather with the pleasures of smoking and these past couple weeks have been rougher than the last 6 months combined but I don't intend to go back. Just wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences?

Typing things out here really helps generate the support and accountability to stay smoke free so I am thankful to share the journey with others.  Trying to beat addiction alone in the past never achieved success.  Thanks for starting this thread as I have gone through similar feelings recently.  Hang in there!  One day at a time!

Danhugs

From: Danhugs

Sep-25

I feel same alot of the time. Its difficult to understand sometimes how your mind works as you would assume it is on your side. But when something was bad your mind gives you the good side and when something was good it gives you the bad side. Like getting back into a relationship that was really bad for you because you remember how much you used to laugh together. Your mind is giving you a counter argument each time. With an addiction and habits it is hard to remember why you quit. You have done an exceptional thing so far and may it continue. Stay engaged and you will see the truth through the fog of your thoughts. Take care and continue to put it further and further behind you.

TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Sep-26

I'm having a hard time, too. I'm on day 108 and the autumn is kicking me hard. It's my favorite season and when it's nice and cool I would spend more time on the deck smoking. I'm not sure why this is happening, but I admit I am struggling a lot. I love this time of year and I feel like I can barely go outside because the urges are so strong. It definitely sucks. 

Danhugs

From: Danhugs

Sep-26

I understand what you are saying and feeling I think. I spend alot of time outdoors. And do sometimes find it hard to just slow down and enjoy the moment. Maybe sunset, having a wander in countryside. Having a smoke in someway allowed me to calm down and tune into the rhythm somehow.  But as it goes on longer and longer I realized the smoking was just piggybacking on my emotions. I become someone I recognize more and more each day. My brain always searching for easy way out and for quite sometime it will keep suggesting smoking to me. My brain is a marketing genius for smoking, it is trying everything. But now I'm not easily convinced.

TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Sep-26

I think it's going to be a while before my brain stops suggesting it. I know my quit muscles will get stronger the longer I go, but holy heck, I want to smoke pretty badly a lot this week but I'm holding strong and will persevere. I think I'm learning about what my new life is like. The one where i am not always smoking or thinking about smoking. The life that is filled with healthy decisions. If I had known it would be this hard to stop, I never would have started smoking.

  • Edited September 26, 2020 5:30 pm  by  TinyBadger
DanJF3

From: DanJF3

Sep-26

Definitely sounds like we are having similar weeks.  This is my favorite time of year too and I wish I didn't associate it with positive memories of smoking.  I seriously stressed about smoking the last 5 years I did it but still couldn't get myself past a couple days or a week a couple times without lighting up.  To say the least it shocks me to say that the past 6 months I have rarely had any desire to smoke and was hoping these feelings were finally gone but I guess it's just one more obstacle to deal with.  Today is somewhat better as I went for a long walk and watched some Youtube videos about addiction and why people return to smoking who have successfully quit.  Education helps!  

The one video did point out that many people who relapse find that first cigarette tastes horrible.  From my past experiences with longer quits I can't say that I personally experienced that but if we can use that thought as a deterrent to keep us smoke free it may be worth remembering.  Hang on and keep posting and hopefully these urges will settle back down where they belong.

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Sep-27

I give up. I have attempted 2 replies to this with thoughts on Autumn and why quitting and temptation to smoke rears it’s head loud and clear and both have disappeared into the ether. Will take that as a sign that those words are not meant to be freed from my tired brain right now. Perhaps they will resurface after I sign out. In summary, I also feel the destabilization of the change of seasons and think about smoking more. It will get better and things will come back around and we will again feel grounded and stable and able to carry on. Things always get better, particularly when we can step back and allow them to work themselves out some. Anyway...like I said, tired brain, lost posts, clear smoke free air. It’s all very fine. 

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