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Afraid I'll fail   Introductions/Newcomers Nook

Started Apr-20 by Fearit2021; 2178 views.
Chowpappy

From: Chowpappy

Apr-29

I know the anxiety well. I would say keep them around. That way you're choosing to quit instead of feeling trapped. That's one mind game you won't have to play as you're going through the process. "There they are. I can if I want to but I chose not to." Don't fret about the money. If they don't take them back so what? You would have smoked them anyway. 
Don't fear failure. If you fail you fail but if you keep trying eventually you'll make it. One thing you don't hear much is quitting makes you very emotional. You need to be able to spill it to someone. That's why I'm here and everyone is going to get an ear full once I open my anxiety closet.  The thing about anxiety though is most of them are self inflicted with no reality to them. I think it was Mark Twain who said, "I've had a million worries and none of them ever happened." 

 

Fearit2021

From: Fearit2021

Apr-29

Thank you to all of you for your input. I am still smoking on the cartons I have.  I need to do more reading- it's encouraging. I do need venting, yet live alone, and don't use a cell phone, so can only get on here when I am home from work. Venting though, I work in a specialized situation, not describable, high stress (I know most jobs are) and the fear of flying off the handle at work is very real and I can't afford to lose my job- obviously. 

I'm not good at letting stuff go, so it eats at me, bottles up inside me. There's no way to release it, I doubt even here, since there's confidentiality involved. 

Since starting on this board, I've learned a few things to help. Looking at reasons why I smoke. One, at work, is to get away from situations so I don't blow, though I rarely take all of the break time I am entitled to. I learned that if I go out and there is a co-worker out there- they seem to fuel the fire, so to speak. Lots of drama.

Second reason, I think, is a distraction from chronic pain. Third, just to stay awake till bedtime. Fourth is to not eat. At home I have been either eating or smoking and am already gaining weight. 

I've come to a reasoning that if I can go 7 hours with no smoking while I am sleeping, I can go a second 7 when I am awake, etc. 

I don't even like the taste of them anymore, since I had Covid in November and lost my sense of taste and smell. 

I'm probably wrong, but I think I am more addicted to the act than the nicotine at this point, evidenced by buying 3 different kinds of baby pacifiers (no kidding) and they are actually soothing! Obviously, can't use them at work, though. lol

I'm working on it. My eyes are tired when I get home, so most reading is on the weekend, though I think daily would give me a better chance. 

As it is right now, I think I am going to go ahead and finish what I have. I have one pack of super nasty cigarettes that are going to be my back up pack, so if I want to smoke, it's going to have to be one of those, which will most likely make me sick (hopefully) and maybe I can be repulsed by cigarettes. 

So right now, the hardest thing, as I am on the last carton, will be to not buy another one when I go to get gas and groceries this weekend. (I go to town every other week). It sounds nuts to me that I worry I will go ahead and buy another carton (and I know I will regret buying it...the failure thing...lack of willpower and all. But, it is what I feel.

Thanks again for the comments. 

Chowpappy

From: Chowpappy

Apr-29

If you think its just the act what kinda helps me is cutting off a straw the same length as a cigarette and pretend to smoke it. 

Fearit2021

From: Fearit2021

May-1

I've actually done that in the past, even stuffing tissue paper in it to give it that "drag" when puffing. I'd actually forgotten about it!!! Thanks!!!!

KatieKat84

From: KatieKat84

May-8

I hope you will make the decision to quit. I know it’s scary but if I and so many others can do it, so can you.

Cigarettes can get so embedded in our lives we feel we can’t survive without them. But it is only addiction that makes it feel that way. You are complete without smoking. Smoking only takes (and takes and takes) away from our lives.

Don’t let fear of what might happen stop you from quitting. The worse already is happening while you remain a smoker.

Back yourself - you absolutely can do it if you tell yourself I CAN.

All best,

Katie

Quit 4th March 2017

Fearit2021

From: Fearit2021

May-8

I got down to one pack left, but not opened yet. I had a pack I was smoking from, also. I usually have a few packs on hand at all times and buy 2 cartons at a time. 

I smoke roughly a pack a day. 

Just knowing I was that low on packs caused my anxiety to go up. Driving to work, at work- I am thinking about this and questioning whether I could actually let myself run out (even with the pack that is an off brand as a just-in case- but not included as the pack I had left). 

I became very, very short tempered at work. I'm driving home, knowing I still have enough to last me till the end of work the next day and it goes back and forth in my head, and I end up stopping and buying my 2 cartons....again. I also noticed that getting lower on cigarettes, I smoked more of them in less time.

So, so far I have failed at just not buying the cigarettes! 

I want to quit. I want to not spend money on cigarettes. I want to not smell like an ashtray, and I want to hopefully have more energy. I want to afford to be able to retire in a few years and wouldn't be able to, spending this high amount of money on cigarettes.

I want to quit while I want to, instead of because I have to. And I know at some point, I will have to. 

I read about the struggles of quitting and though I know I could go through it, I sure don't want to do it more than once! I'm afraid I will go through it, then light up again and have to go through it again. 

I know that months after I quit, I will be glad I did (with the exception of getting fired for short temper), and I'll wish I had done it way sooner just looking at the money I would have saved. I don't make a lot to begin with! 

Physically, I am not able to do a lot of things, so trying to keep busy is an issue, but I am not trying to use it as an excuse. 

I just don't know how to get my head totally focused on QUIT and not think about the negative aspects of withdrawal. 

In the back of my mind is also the thought that no matter when I quit, shortly thereafter, I will be told I have cancer, that it's too late, as happened to my mother. 

Right now, I am very angry with myself.

KatieKat84

From: KatieKat84

May-9

I’m sorry you’re in this place at the moment - it’s the slavery of addiction and it’s awful. All the worrying about packs, back-up packs, brands - it’s all because of NICOTINE plain and simple. Try to separate yourself from the addiction in your mind - and get angry with the addiction! Some call it Old Nic, the nicodemon or whatever. Then you can say that you’re quitting for YOU and tell Old Nic ‘No, I don’t smoke any more!’

It’s all about mindset as you know. Yes it’s hard to quit but being a non-smoker is also wonderful from day 1.

Im so sorry to hear about your mother. It’s a horrible addiction that it can take away our loved ones, yet we still go on smoking.

You have to be proactive, have a list of things to do to distract, treat yourself, calm yourself etc. Otherwise if you just stop smoking and sit there waiting to feel awful and fail, well, you probably will.

Have you read Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking? It’s very good at explaining the reasons we do smoke, rather than the reasons we shouldn’t, which is so helpful for quitting. I’d recommend it.

I wish you the best in your quit,

Katie

Quit 4th March 2017

Fearit2021

From: Fearit2021

May-9

I actually had that book at one point in time. I bookmarked it, though, and also have the Joel Spitzer videos bookmarked to watch. 

I know that my smoking is intertwined with every single thing I do, with exception of showering, sleeping and sitting at my desk at work. I've read about replacing one habit (bad) with another habit (good), and think about what might work that I could use in all situations where I smoke- and not look like a nitwit. 

I had said in a previous post that I purchased baby pacifiers and they actually do soothe. Obviously, I can't do that in public. flushed

One fortunate thing is that I would never bum a cigarette from anyone at work. At 50 cents + a cigarette for my brand, every time a co-worker would say they quit, they would invariably bum cigarettes off of me- maybe 4 or 5 in a day and this would go on for a while- never offering to buy a pack to replace it or reimburse me for them. This totally ticked me off many times, and I would never do that to someone else. Plus, I smoke Capri Menthol 120's  that have a flavor and slim size that isn't comparable to any other cigarette. Non-menthols make me physically ill, so that is the back up pack for if I slip when I quit. I don't think I would like the ones the coworkers smoke, either, but they are menthol, so wouldn't risk it. 

I'm reading so much great stuff on here and trying to figure out a way to get it all in one place, because I think if I could pick up paper with it all on it and READ if I get overwhelmed, it would be super helpful. I'm trying to figure out how to get back to posts that had specific words that hit home, such as yours and others. Then copy and paste to something I can print off.

This place is the only support I have. Coworkers are, of course, not supportive- in the way I need, like here. And family are all non-smokers and really can't relate.

I don't use a cell phone, no phones, actually, as I am deaf- so have no access to this place at work. Being a government computer at work, I am reluctant to add the site to my computer there. But I might need to.

Thanks for listening!!! I appreciate all of you!!

Fearit2021

From: Fearit2021

May-9

I just realized I could go back to the beginning of my original posts- duh moment! And, I found them by using the drop down "unread to me" for some of them. Copying and pasting already!! 

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