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Adult Daughter   General Chit-Chat

Started Feb-3 by Monicajean; 271 views.

From: Monicajean


My adult daughter lives with me, is a hard worker with 2 jobs and saving for a place of her own. She's been a treasure to me her entire life. My smoking history: I smoked from ages 16-30  quit for 28 years stared again in 2020 when husband of 38 years passed away. First i said 'just to get thru the funeral'. Well that was almost 3 years ago and i still haven't been able to quit. I want to. It's just been too much of a comfort to me. My problem is my daughter. She has been very, very angry about it. Ordering me to quit, saying she'll cut ties w/me if I don't, saying I don't love her because I can't quit. Her motive is so I'll live long enough to see her grandchildren. Her heart is gold but her methods are awful and my internal 'don't tell me what to do' is going off. After living with an abusive controlling husband for 38 years and now finally being free of him, I feel she has taken over that role in my life. I adore her, hate hurting her, she's convinced if I loved her enough I would quit. I did quit before - why aren't I motivated enough now? Her disappointment with me honestly doesn't even phase me - why is that? This is so confusing for me. 


From: feafee78



It sounds like your daughter is hurting and maybe doesn’t understand addiction. You can’t force or pressure someone into quitting, sadly. Would she read an article about how to support someone who’s smoking and wanting to quit? The controlling she’s trying to use is very likely to make it way harder for you to quit. I have a serious stubborn/rebellious streak and I’d dig my feet in hard if someone said that kind of thing to me. My family has pretty much ignored that I quit, which has bothered me, but I guess I might prefer it to them repeatedly voicing their anger about it to me. 
It sounds like she has the best of intentions, so I hope she’ll be open to learning about how to support you with quitting instead of trying to force you. I’m sure there’s books about that, but there must be some online articles about it. She most definitely isn’t the only person who’s tried to make someone quit. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. I slowly started again after my sister passed in 2020. I still can’t believe how easily it sucked me back in and how incredibly difficult it’s been to let it go.



From: Anne2020


I totally get it.  My son was like that after living with an abusive husband.  I ignored him.  I didn't tell him anything about my quit because I didn't want it to be about him and I didn't casting doubts my way.  Only way to get through it.  After a couple of months (3 months I think), I told I haven't had a cigarette for months.  I didn't tell him I quit.  I told I hadn't smoked. 

He doesn't talk to me about it at all but I know, underneath, he is proud of me.  But that's not even important to me.  What is important to me is that I am proud of me.  I quit for me.  

You can too.  Do it for you.