People always have advice to give.  Ugh...

Hi Alex,

How are you doing? I hope you are still feeling encouraged. 

My health is like a yo-yo but I'm hanging in there. Nothing major to worry about. I seem to have a compromised immune system so anything and everything that is going around comes to visit me for a period of time. Frankly, it's getting rather annoying at this point. I would love to function properly even for a few weeks. I need to purchase shares in a tissue company at this rate!

Hugs and love, Jenn

I smoked. And now I hate myself.

No don't hate yourself   We are all trying so hard but sometimes things just don't work out but it's Ok     Just pick yourself up and start again.  One cigarette can happen but you so need to stay strong and try not to light the second or third one.  Deep breathe - feel how good it feels  no wheezing or no coughing.  Let that little voice inside your head remind you that's why you gave it up to begin with.  I know it's hard  but don't beat yourself up and don't let this one little hiccup destroy everything you have accomplished so far. 

Tyvm

Sending a big (((hug))) your way!

Hating yourself is going to get you nowhere. It's going to make matters worse. It also tells you that you want to quit smoking otherwise wouldn't be upset that this happened! Yes, you smoked. However, you had some smoke-free time underneath your belt which means you CAN and WILL do this. Take a really close look at the circumstances that led to smoking that cig. What was the trigger? Now you need to load up your quit tool box to make sure it doesn't happen again (the trigger inevitably returns). Throw out the cigs if you still have them. You don't need them nor do you really want them. The junkie thinking has you convinced that you need them. All lies. You need (and deserve) your self esteem back and every single one of those darn things strips you of it that much more. Take it one minute and hour at a time. Also important: post before you smoke. Its an important step to remain smober.

Stand up, we'll dust you off, and onward we go. You can do this.

Hugs and love, Jenn

Thanks Jenn.  I threw the cigs out.  I keep thinking about an encounter I had with my aunt.  She's a very difficult person to deal with.  And I don't like her.  I didn't realize this until she lived with me for 2 weeks.  Now I know.  I won't make that mistake again.  xo

Be kind to yourself. This is an addiction. You spent "x" number of years reinforcing the physical and mental habits. It's going to take some time to relearn all aspects of daily life. One of these aspects is to deal with emotions head on versus behind a veil of smoke. The smoke doesn't make the emotions or their cause miraculously disappear. in fact, it does the opposite of help us 'cope' with the situation. Turn this on its head. The majority of the population doesn't see cigs as a coping mechanism. We do because we are addicts. You can do this and I'll in anyway that I can.

You did the right thing by throwing them out. Try to minimize the stressors (if possible) right now until you get on a bit more solid quit footing. Reward yourself for every small victory. You are on a journey to freedom. The path isn't always straight but freedom is possible. You deserve it. Believe in you.

Hugs and love, Jenn

Jenn, 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate them. I have fully gone back into smoking now. I feel good about it now, but I have a tremendous amount of guilt because of my baby who is helpless and needs her mother. At the same time, I am avoiding other things that I am addicted to, so I am justifying it saying, "Well, at least its not 'x'!" I want to be a good mother. I want to be healthy. I am buying into the lie that cigs are helping me cope right now. Intellectually, I know all the things, but I can't find it in me to move it to my heart at this moment. I am going to continue to come back here and read and post until I quite again. I hope that my forever quit will come before its too late. God help me. I love you all so much for all your help. And I'm sorry for being such a relapser. Its just sad at this point, but it is what it is. xoxo

Alex