Thanks Jenn.  I threw the cigs out.  I keep thinking about an encounter I had with my aunt.  She's a very difficult person to deal with.  And I don't like her.  I didn't realize this until she lived with me for 2 weeks.  Now I know.  I won't make that mistake again.  xo

Be kind to yourself. This is an addiction. You spent "x" number of years reinforcing the physical and mental habits. It's going to take some time to relearn all aspects of daily life. One of these aspects is to deal with emotions head on versus behind a veil of smoke. The smoke doesn't make the emotions or their cause miraculously disappear. in fact, it does the opposite of help us 'cope' with the situation. Turn this on its head. The majority of the population doesn't see cigs as a coping mechanism. We do because we are addicts. You can do this and I'll in anyway that I can.

You did the right thing by throwing them out. Try to minimize the stressors (if possible) right now until you get on a bit more solid quit footing. Reward yourself for every small victory. You are on a journey to freedom. The path isn't always straight but freedom is possible. You deserve it. Believe in you.

Hugs and love, Jenn

Jenn, 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate them. I have fully gone back into smoking now. I feel good about it now, but I have a tremendous amount of guilt because of my baby who is helpless and needs her mother. At the same time, I am avoiding other things that I am addicted to, so I am justifying it saying, "Well, at least its not 'x'!" I want to be a good mother. I want to be healthy. I am buying into the lie that cigs are helping me cope right now. Intellectually, I know all the things, but I can't find it in me to move it to my heart at this moment. I am going to continue to come back here and read and post until I quite again. I hope that my forever quit will come before its too late. God help me. I love you all so much for all your help. And I'm sorry for being such a relapser. Its just sad at this point, but it is what it is. xoxo

Alex

Hi Alex, we are missing you, please jump back into the smoke-free wagon...  

I know I am no big expert in quitting and you have successfully quit for a long time in your previous quit... Still I would like to share with you what made me quit smoking... 

I had been delaying my quit for long time thinking that my situation is not right, there are lot of tensions in my life, smoking helps me in dealing with that, this has been continuing for 3 years (father’s death, baby related issues, major accident, lawsuit,etc). When something to worry about stops for a while, something else to worry about always begins....

Then on August 25th 2015 I saw a Indian movie, there was a dialogue in that movie that was told in some other context but I related that to my quitting smoke and it hit me with great power ..

"A person who drives a car wants to go from point A to point B. There are just 15 road junctions between point A and point B, so 15 traffic signals. He wants to start driving the car only when all the 15 traffic signals are green at the same time so that he does not have to stop in between. Guess what, that person is stuck in point A forever"

Somehow I related this to myself quitting smoking, the road from point A to point B is my life, the journey from point A to point B is stay quit from smoking, the traffic signals are problems at various stages of my life... There will never be a time where problems will not be there (all traffic signals green)... If I wait to quit till I see no more problems, i will keep smoking forever (stuck in point A forever), that is not going to happen... So on August 26th, I quit smoking with the company of all my life problems...

I don't know if I was able to put my thoughts into words, or all of what I said makes sense, but I thought of having a jab at it...

Take care and waiting eagerly to see you soon in the new quit group...

Sending a big hug to (((Alex)))!!

The forumily is always here for you when you need support. That isn't going to change. Just know that a lot of people are unable to quit the first time and it takes several quits before it sticks. I can use myself as an example in hopes you don't follow the same gaps between quit days and it gives you a sense of hope. The first time I quit it lasted for two weeks. Two agonizing weeks. Define miserable? That was me. It started as just one, then "I" can have one more...to being back to life as a smoker. Attempt #2? it took me 6 years before I mustered the courage to try again. This time I lasted four months before relapsing. Was it as miserable? No. This time it was the junkie thinking that took over. Fast forward four years and Attempt #3 was on 23 March 2013. It's not going to necessarily be easier to quit later on. In fact, it can become harder the longer you wait.

There is junkie thinking throughout your post. I also sense guilt, shame, and perhaps resignation. These are negative emotions that are going to drain you instead of helping turn this around for you. If you say you are a relapser than so am I. However, I would prefer to see myself as a winner. I told myself that every day since I started this journey to freedom. The times I couldn't the forumily reminded me.

Above and beyond Alex being a winner, I am here with the reminder you deserve freedom from this addiction, that you can do this, and that you need to believe...in you. When you're ready....we will definitely be here for you.

Hugs and love, Jenn

Hey Youdi, 

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I am so sad to report that I am still smoking.  However, I am starting to regain my quit thinking.  Slow by slow.  Maybe by this time tomorrow I will have the guts to give it another go.  But for today, I will smoke.  I love that analogy you're using.  It makes total sense to me.  I definitely know I will quit again.  And soon.  

xo

Alex

Thanks Jenn.  I know I am a winner.  And I will quit again.  I believe I'm going to try again tomorrow.  

xo

Alex

(((((Alex))))) ~ You have bucket loads of support...and you're stuck with me keeping an eye on you...if that's okay. I'm not sure if you have had a chance to do this yet. In the first post of this thread are links to articles that really, really helped me. I read them more than once and each time I would find something new that applied to what I was feeling at the time. Even though I wasn't "technically" new I still found strength in reading them and the ones that link to them.

Delphi Forums

Homework for New Ex-Smokers

Hello to all and newbies especially! Please take some time to check out these articles. Education about this addiction is one of the key components of long-term recovery from nicotine addiction. An educated quit is a successful quit! Your Quit Smoking Toolbox After the Last Cigarette Achieving the Mindset for Success The Benefits of Smoking Cessation Adopt an Attitude of Gratitude!

Read more from Delphi Forums

Baby steps. Take it one minute and hour at a time if you have to. Drink ice water through a straw. Do jumping jacks. Post, post, post. You can and will do this :-)

Hugs and love, Jenn

Hi Alex,

I've heard that that average smoker makes several attempts until it finally takes.  I know it will take for you when you decide it will.   Just never give up trying cause many people  here make it after they tried several times.  It sounds like you have a lot of negative thoughts going on right now and I hope you can work  through it.  A positive attitude is so important for us and to let go of the rest for our own sake.  Hope to see you here often.