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Alexandra's Quit Story   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 9/23/15 by alEXsmoker (afrancis333); 38045 views.
Belinda2019

From: Belinda2019

Jan-18

Big hugs to both of you xxxx

CC to alexisfree
Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-19

Thank you, Belinda.  Love the new pic.  heart_eyes

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-20

Thank you, Belinda.

In reply toRe: msg 313
alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-20

Just posting here to post some stuff in my head.  My faith is wavering.  I am very angry.  Like, how could he leave without saying goodbye?  We think he knew he was going to die because of some activity on his accounts prior to his death - what the heck Dad?!  Why wouldn't you at least call me to say goodbye?  Am I not worth it?  I can't even listen to the same music anymore.  I used to have all this faith in God and now I'm just so disconnected.  Why would my dad leave like this?  I thought we had a better relationship than that.  I so wish I had gone home for Christmas.  I know it is not helpful to dwell on the past because that cannot be changed, but I'm just typing out what I'm thinking honestly because I don't know what else to do.  This is the worst feeling ever.  And my head is constantly full of chatter and I am barely able to think to do my work.  All the memories of my childhood are flooding back to me and I am unable to feel "blessed" or "spiritual".  I'm just angry.  Some of it is anger that now I have to be the adult and I don't want anymore responsibility.  I liked being taken care of.  That's selfish, but it is how I feel.  And I'm so MAD AT HIM FOR NOT SAYING GOODBYE.  Hmph!  Guess I wasn't worth it.  F*&% it.

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-21

alexisfree said:

  I liked being taken care of. 

Maybe your Dad was taking care of you in his heart by not telling you.  He wanted you to remember him as he was, not saddened knowing he was going away. Parents always try to spare us pain and whether it was right or wrong, he LOVED you and you will always be worth his love. Remember the good times and just love him for who he was.  The anger is normal but so wasted.  He loved you, Sweetie, don't ever forget that.

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-21

Thanks, Brenda.  I feel like grief, for me, is this constant underlying sadness that is always with me.  Although, when I see my girls or my husband or other things happen, I do have moments of joy, but things just will never be the same again.  

SusanK1960

From: SusanK1960

Jan-21

Grief is sadness.  Psychologically, it signals a change in your life’s equilibrium, a change you didn’t choose, so it brings a host of negative emotions and will continue until you get a new equilibrium.  

Just like this quitting smoking journey, grief will take patience, time, some white knuckle periods, some happy moments, etc.. 

Take care of yourself and let time be your friend.  It is true that each death you grieve changes you, so you are evolving to a new you.

“Sharing joy with others brings twice the pleasure and sharing sorrow with others reduces the pain by half.”

xoxo

  • Edited January 21, 2020 11:03 pm  by  SusanK1960
Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-22

alexisfree said:

I do have moments of joy, but things just will never be the same again

I think this is true, Alex, things will never be like they were.  Maybe we find a new normal and it becomes our life until the next change.  I have found in life that change is the only constant.  It can be very scary not having any control over it and I do tend to fight it, but life will change again.   I read somewhere once that " Life is what happens between the laughter and the tears. "  I guess this is true.  I know that I get up in the morning thinking about Pete and I go to bed thinking about him.  Our sadness will change us but our love for them changed us also.   We will always love them, so maybe that is another constant.  I have done a lot of thinking lately, not sure I have any answers, but all in all, I am so glad that I got to love them.  I wish you peace, Alex and may we both find it.  Big hugs being sent to you.  

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

Jan-24

Brenda (1sept19) said:

Life is what happens between the laughter and the tears

I like this.  I went to talk with my counselor on Tuesday night.  It helped me to process the grief a little.  And she let me talk about him for a long time - that was helpful too.  I'm working on helping my mom with the financial stuff - that's a good distraction.  I have thought about smoking, but I know I don't want to go back to slavery.  I'm glad we're in it together because I don't know what I would do without a friend right now.  xoxo

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

Jan-25

That's good that you got to talk to the counselor.  Sometimes just having a place to talk and remember can be so good for the soul.  There are some days that I feel overwhelmed and then others I have peace.  I also take care of my Mom who has dementia, so that keeps me busy and can keep me distracted from my thoughts.  I also have had thoughts of smoking, but like you, I never want to go back to that slavery and wishing I could quit again.  I also am so glad to have you walking this road with me, I couldn't imagine doing this all alone.  I would have wished for us to not have to lose our loved ones, but so grateful to have you with me.  I am congratulating you early on 5 months of freedom, cause I know you will do it and to let you know how proud I am of you.  Your Daddy would be so proud of you.  Kiss that handsome husband of yours and those beautiful babies and William and know that many people are proud of you. 

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