Oh, thank you. 
I realize my writing ventures out and includes things that on the surface don’t seem to have much to do with smoking. This is when I hope folks understand that perhaps, under the surface, it does, in the sense that we are all different in how we process and express. As I told DJ, sometimes I’m writing to express what at times smoking suppressed. What I mean is, I would often go off to smoke to have some time alone and just think. I am not a person who can close my eyes to things around me easily. I do carve out time each day to just be alone, and it is a great need that if I do not get it I can become unbalanced. Used to struggle with that part and fight it and feel as though I had to be “on” all the time. It still takes work to pull back and force myself to regain some balance and reign in some passion for things, but, now, I am growing daily in my ability to do that. This was a huge part of smoking for me I think. So, maybe it can be helpful for you too to recognize some connections other than just the nicotine that smoking had for you? I’ve always been a “mover” physically, meaning it is very hard for my body to be still. So...I walk. A lot. Now several hours a day some days without smoking. Weather has never stopped me (I live in Portland so if you’re gonna live here you can’t be bothered much by rain or you will be bothered a lot) , light or time of day doesn’t matter, and even being somewhat ill at times doesn’t stop me. Just gotta move. Anyway...see if you can take a stroll...just get out and let your mind go and notice what is around you. Notice the way the light filters through tress, notice the shifting of a breeze, notice the movement of clouds, notice the change of smells and the feel of moving from sun to shade. Notice too the voice that says “I need a smoke”. Take it with you and teach it new comforts. 
Here is a quote I posted a while back that is not mine but I liked it. No known author to credit...

”Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.”

Hi L! 

"sometimes I’m writing to express what at times smoking suppressed. "

I'd never thought of that, that smoking meant some me time in a way and that supressed thoughts are bound to explode into a relapse. That's a great point of view! 

That certainly puts a lot of relapses in perspective. Maybe I should listen to myself more and act out less :) 

I love that quote!  Im definitely going to use it, of course not claiming it as my own. You really are brave and strong. I look up to you and see the progress you have made and am in awe. I live in Montana, so the weather is miserable and cold at times, but I admit I have been walking my dogs for about an hour per day. They seem to enjoy getting out and I think it's good for me. Yesterday the breeze was nice on my skin and I did try to notice things, it's just so hard at times. I use lozenges but they make your mouth so dry! When I first started seeing my therapist she asked me how much time I spend outdoors. I wasn't sure why that mattered, but she said the outdoors, even just a little taste of it, is good for mind and body. So I started gardening and taking walks. My beds have gotten larger as time goes by, but they are not mature plants yet. My husband even helps. Sometimes, as we pull weeds in silence, it's nice to have company yet be alone in my thoughts. I call him my cal Coolidge. He doesnt chatter on and on. But when he says something it is profound, important, and he means it. He is gentle and tender towards me, always supporting me. I know he's not ready to quit right now, but he really helping me out a lot. I might also mention that he stinks so it's been a real deterrent from me picking it up again. It also prevents some smooching. I know I can do this. I know I'm capable. It's just sometimes I have a million reasons to smoke. I have a list of why I want to quit, but sometimes it seems silly. I am going to beat this. I have to do it for me. In the past I've quit for others, but it never stuck. Now it's just me I'm fighting for.

Hi Marge :) 

I absolutely will. 

Thank you for the encouragement, always! 

Ana

Listen to yourself always. Trust yourself. You are stronger than you know. And when you feel that quiver and shake and question, step back, reach in, dig down, breathe...and carry on anyway. At the end of the day, though someone may lay beside you...we all fall asleep alone. This...is a very good thing. 

That is way more than half of the battle, realizing it is for you. We have to ask ourselves really...what is it that makes that the whole self cave to the small part? We are a sum of many parts. Separate out the addict part and give it what it wants on deeper level, just don’t give it the smoke. Sometimes it needs you to grab it and shake it and yell “bugger off!” Sometimes it needs you to nap, or to eat, or have some clear cool water. Sometimes it is the best darn dark chocolate money can buy! 
And sometimes...sometimes it just needs your other parts to tell it is ok, that they are aware it has lost what felt like it’s closest friend. In time, it will realize what a bad friend it really was, but, that takes time.

You got this. I am not someone to be in awe of, but thank you. I have stumbled too. And if not with smoking, I stumble with other things every single day. Mostly I can forgive myself. Often, I ask and hope that others will forgive me. But I never ask more than once, and never expect others to ask more than once. 
Carry on Tiny. Don’t make it more of a struggle than it needs to be. Soothe yourself and carry on. It is summer now and get out as much as you can and by the time it is cold again you will be several months in and be stronger. That time is gonna go by either way...

My husband stinks too after he smokes. We've tried several approaches. First, he should be breathing fresh air for a while. Then he should brush his teeth. Then if it still stinks he uses some mouth wash. It's a trial and error thing really. 

It's ok that he's not ready to quit yet and it's great that you are. Your list of reasons might seem silly sometimes but never half as silly as poisoning yourself for no reason. Maybe that's your inner junkie trying to trick you. 

Respect your timings, you see here in the forum there are all kinds of people, people who quit forever at first, people who've been trying for years, patch users, lozenge users, cold turkey quitters... Even though our enemy is the same, we are all different people and each person has to really get to know what works for them. If it takes 1000 tries it's OK. One of them is going to be the one. 

You're doing the right thing, gardening, spending more time outside, coming to the forum. And yes, you'll beat this. 

Absolutely love the mind games article.  I feel like I wrote it.   lol.....Thanks or sharing  it.

How do I share this articles?

https://www.verywellmind.com/mind-games-go-both-ways-when-you-quit-smoking-2824894

Cheers

 Welcome to the forum!

You will find lots of help here to get you back on track! Don't feel ashamed, many others have lost their quits. You know you can do this because you've done it before! Just learn from your last quit and build an even stronger quit this time.

Good Luck!

   Jeff

 Welcome back! 

I'm sorry that you lost your quit. I remember you from last time you were here. Don't be embarrassed! I also lost a 20 day quit and had to start over. I just finished the 28 day of this most recent quit. Are you playing the same game as I am? I'm a cereal quitter! This is my fourth quit this year. I guess you could say I'm a glutton for punishment.

You know your way around here. Just try to built a solid quit this time. Use everything you've learned on past quits to help you with this one, your forever quit.

Good Luck!

   Jeff