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First 10 days review   General Chit-Chat

Started 5/6/20 by Musivore; 110816 views.
euknight

From: euknight

May-3

Yep, my sista, life is fragile and FAST.  Your hummingbird pics...babies all lined up on the wire.....a picture of HOPE.

This year more than ever before I have felt the essential place of HOPE.  My dear quitting friends....such HOPE you have given me....Wise words about developing to a partial acceptance of death and humor being the emotional life line or death escape at times.  The escape capacity of nicotine....just to park beneath the veil for awhile.  It is a most powerful drug.  I would rather rip thru the emotions of loss I think instead of smoking now.  I still think about it...not a lot, but the pull is Definately still there luring so many to their deaths.  I feel in some ways that surreal shock that when someone has died you loved is like that veil without nicotine. A built in protective mechanism that surrounds you in a fog.

Sad news about the dancing.  I injured my foot and never went.  That person is gone now.  I was intrigued about your mask however?.?  Now that sounds super cool.  Incognito, one of my favorite “looks”.  Lol

The world did appear to be powering up again for a while there.  Now seems commonplace.  All the things that should not be focused on that bring division, are in the forefront.   Our backwards world.  I prefer the invisible forces of good that are everywhere right now Parallel to the seen world.  Only way I can sleep.

How is John?  Any trips to Hawaii planned??  You go girl!!  Hugs to you.

Peggy

5-8-20sunflower

Eve1973

From: Eve1973

May-5

Hey Peggy, 

I am not sure about you, but I smoked for over 30 years, so my breathing in the masks depends on mask (thickness) , weather (hot), and how much i walked that day at work. So yes at times my breathing is labored. But I also have been back to work longer. Today I was fixing a closet and asked the guy in the apartment to go to another room because I was sweating and the mask made it so much harder to work. I removed mask. 
 

I lost the 10 pounds I gained, but the I got the VID, and all came back. So working on it again......lol. 
 

3 MORE DAYS........YAY YAY

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

May-7

Ahhh...Peggy love.

You injured your back paw? How is it now? And missed the dance and now the Prince has departed....Well, the Sea is full of Princes my Peggy dear. And Sharks as well, joy. I do have faith in your discerning soul and trust Tab’s discerning Spirit too. So swim on Love...the sails of memory rip open in silence indeed. There will be others passing by. 
The mask is absolutely a good one, just waiting for a special outing. Black, of course, with a mesh like material, similar to a veil, that comes off the top edge and hangs down the front in a triangular pattern, down to the notch of my neck and the mesh is fine and flows and filled with....Sparkle! Yes!! It has an exotic look about it and makes my mind wander. Of course that doesn’t take much most of the time, grin

Backwards World indeed. John is still towering, unbelievable but true. I was awakened by a call from his “mom” this morning who had a man come to her door. Now you’ve seen pictures and where John is, that is the front of her house. There is a gate at the bottom and many steps up. She had a man come to her door this AM, a bit disheveled and with mismatched shoes, asking for a smoke. She told him she did not have one but said let me get you something to eat and asked him to sit on the porch and wait. She went out with the soup and he was gone so she sat and ate the soup. When she went in, and went to the garage, he was sitting in her garage asleep. So, she made more soup and toast and called me. (!)  I went down and we hung out for a while and I learned a bit of his history. He was a very kind and gentle man really, down on his luck for sure. I asked if he was using and he said not for 2 days. So, I was trying to think how to help and what to do. He was a man of color, and I’m sorry to say, but for this reason I preferred to leave the Police Dept. out of this encounter as he needed direction and help and I knew they would only shoo him on with no resources. So, she and I loaded him in the car and took him to the ER where I work. He had no ID. We got him checked in where they will at least get a Social Worker involved. He was originally from Memphis. Said he made his way from downtown PDX to this neighborhood because he didn’t feel safe downtown and had his wallet stolen. The whole thing was rather sad. I do hope he does ok. Obviously there is a lot going on there and in the back story. But...her big dog was fine with him too and he was more sleepy and hungry than anything. So...add this to the list of things that John has witnessed. Mmmm. 

I picked up my painting of my Boyz, the one with their ashes. It is absolutely beautiful and I cried when I saw it. Now hung properly above my bed, my Boyz are together again. It was absolutely the most fascinating thing when I brought it home and I wish you could see pictures of Maisy sniffing it and she actually licked the kitty that is Calvin. She sat in front of it for about 10 minutes. Makes me wonder, perhaps realize, these realms the creatures  move within that we are not attuned too...what energy do they feel there...? Fascinating. 

Im trying to figure out the Hawaii question? Am I going there? I wouldn’t turn a trip down, but it would not be my first choice. Did I mention going? Were we there in a previous encounter??joy I am going to go at some point with John’s “mom” as they bought a place on Maui. Her husband is there now for a few months. Not sure when there will be a girls trip, but it is on the agenda. 

Just woke from my nap and have been on here a bit, so have to go now and get some things in order. Am thinking about you and will speak to the not breathing well in the mask next time on! 


Big hugs to you my Love...kissing_heart

euknight

From: euknight

May-8

Hey Eve,

One year today for me....yay!!,

Thanks again for the morning text of congrats.!!  This year was a tumultuous one.  Even with all the things that have happened to us on top of COVID, to get through this year nicotine free seemed unimaginable in May of 2020.  What seemed unimaginable became possible!!  Here I am a year later because of y’all and the great feedback on here and doing it all .......it become true!

No  bars and chains.  The powerful drug has lost its grip on me.  Even through the experiences of friends that have died, I am so grateful I was not smoking.  It would have made it worse beating myself up on top of this grief.  No thank you!! Besides, honestly, the excuses were old and used up, the broken promises to myself and others that I was going to quit.....worn out.  I lied to myself for 35 years. 
 

Great to be free and sharing this freedom with a tremendous group of folks!  Love you all and so many , many thanks!,

Peggy

May 8, 2020sunflower

overdoze

From: overdoze

May-8

Congratulations. Seems like you are much happier which is good, right behind you gaining momentum....

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

May-9

I love this honesty: “Besides, honestly, the excuses were old and used up, the broken promises to myself and others that I was going to quit.....worn out.” Right? Oh so right. Very well put. It does get old telling ourselves how we are going to quit and then hang on in fear, it gets old letting the loved ones build up hope and support for us, to then have them watch us not follow through. I think at some point one really does have to admit we are really only playing games with ourselves, and one we will never win. Yup. Walk away and keep on walking from this drug. Doesn’t make me less an addict, sadly, but it sure does empower me to just...keep on walking. 
You’ve done an amazing job Peggy. So looking forward to sharing this second year with you!

euknight

From: euknight

May-9

Oh thank you Overdoze!!  Stick to it and Stay strong.  One foot in front of the other....whatever it takes.

This year has been life changing in so many ways.  Trashing the nicotine is Definitely at the top of learning experiences and personal growth.  This forum really is imperative in the quit. Keep up the good work!

Peggy

5-8-20

euknight

From: euknight

May-9

My precious Lore,

Just now replying to this one and I love the mask description!,  No doubt you will look fabulous in it!  The occasion will arise!!

You and John’s mom are the bomb!,  what y’all did for that homeless guy warms my heart.  Taking him to work and getting him hooked up.  Three cheers, sweet girl!  That was the right place for him to catch a snooze.  John has just become this magical symbol that drew you to walk, walk, walk, watching through the seasons and now meeting his mom which sounds like a fabulous connection!!  Maui....here we come!!  Sounds like you have met a kindred spirit.  Those are so wonderful and rare.

The picture of the kitties...is just the best!!  Sweet Calvin and bro.  That is just too cool about Maisey  licking around.  I have no doubt she knows something, senses something we cannot.  Our animal loves are pretty intuitive.  They do not get the credit they deserve so often...unless they live at our houses....lol.  

No prob about the dancing date.  Very attentive for 6 weeks, spoiled and pampered me.  I won’t complain.  Then ghosted which I politely addressed with him.  I have been drawn to pray for him...I sense a struggle.  Maybe we can be friends.  Since my  3 go-to male friends have gone on to the spirit world, I am going to be watching for who is coming my way.  I was told eons ago that male friends were very important for me and sure enough, they did appear.  Changed my life.

Thanks about the mask thing.  You would be the expert on that one but are more use to it?  Gave me a startle when I was working cos I had not worn one all the time.  I choose to believe my oxygen intake has improved.  My sleep Dr.may disagree.  I may need to call and see what it was.  I did not qualify for apnea treatment and he put me on oxygen awhile but it really never made a difference I don’t think.  That was way before Covid....  Anywho.....gonna swish this off and take a gander at your other post.

Hugs!

euknight

From: euknight

May-9

Thank you sweet OR girl for the congrats.  So glad I can catch up with you guys!!!

Yeppers...the excuses were pitiful.  No judgement to ANYONE, that’s for sure.  Pitiful for me only and made me feel very small and helpless.  When I think of that raw nico-throat, smoke taste permeating my mouth, gums and teeth....it is nothing short of miraculous that it is gone!

I recently have noticed my senses really have come alive.  The brain fog going away is the biggest thing!!,!  There is a clear edge that was never there before surrounding my thought life.  Having smoked so long it just seems a little surreal.  What was surreal tho was my thought process when I smoked.  The bizarre part is THE ILLUSION THAT THOUGHTS SEEMED SHARPER when I smoked.  What a ginormous lie!!!! Could not know this until smoke had been out of my system awhile........

A lot of realizations coming my way!  As far as the sheer joy......not quite yet, but I will say RELIEF fills me.  Pure, satisfying RELIEF.  Being in the clutches of nicotine is a nightmare, plain and simple.  My gratitude for you, Lore and the tribe and forum is indescribably great.

Love you all!

Peggy

5-8-20sunflower

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

May-10

I’m so happy you have these gained awarenesses. I do too with the thoughts. The realization now that when I smoked, my thoughts were more...dull, or toned down. The focus on the feeling of the drug coursing through my veins, or maybe awareness of the feeling more than focus on it. Seemed to distract me from whatever urgency I had been feeling some. Perhaps that was perceived as calmer? Now though...I have awareness of it having been a distraction from thought and feeling. 
Things seem more alive now. Kind of nice to get to know me maybe? I’ve not done Heroin ever, but plenty of other mind altering substances back in the day. One of the use rationales for smoking is yes, nicotine is a drug, but we rationalized it in ways because it wasn’t “mind altering”. We didn’t get a euphoria or high like with other drugs. I’m not so sure about that. Perhaps those effects are more subtle (way more than some other drugs) but I do think now those effects are definitely there and quite real. Think about this. If Big Tobacco were to be confronted with substantive evidence of nicotine being a mind altering substance, there would be a different fight on their hands, right? I think most of us are aware of the power and pull of Big Tobacco. I certainly would not trust if this type of research into their products has been done that it would be allowed to be disclosed. On the other hand, with this, I don’t need any other effing evidence than myself and my own awareness , which I do trust. (Well, except around man buns!joy) Seriously though...I am the only “N=1” with this needed to know and accept there was definitely some type of mind/ mood altering going on with my nicotine infusions. It takes some time away from it I think, some tuning into subtle awarenesses, some acceptance of self and a good deal of honesty to see it perhaps. Bottom line is, we don’t still know a heck of a lot about brain chemistry. Or DNA. Or so many many things about anything really. But, for me, it is up to me to know me, care for me, and ease my way first anyhow. Damn their research or lack there of. I am worthy evidence that smoking did suck my soul. 
Not today nicotine...not today. May have to visit Georgie instead, hahahaha! But no nicotine today. This day is gonna be raw and real, oh hell yes. 

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