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First 10 days review   General Chit-Chat

Started 5/6/20 by Musivore; 113174 views.
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/18/20

Hey Muse...

You’ll have to tell me about some of your lovely festivals, or it can be something I read about today while wearing out some of old Father Time.
A wise friend once told me to me to stay the worst teenager that that father ever had in the sense of never stop giving him the run for his money. He said “you either wear time out or it wears you out...”  We will never win in the end of course, but I’m at a point in my life I’ll be damned if he won’t be several steps behind me until just the moment before I cross the finish line. I think this helps keep me not smoking, thinking about this. I put it into the thought of every minute I spend smoking it really isn’t known how much time I’m letting him get ahead, see? And since I’m not much of a gambler, it finally sunk in that I’ve given the bastard  head start enough and it’s time to quit giving him any edge as, frankly, I’m just too young to smoke. I’ve got places to go and people to see as they say. Now of course I could get hit by a truck, or struck by lightning, or, die of ecstasy if I’m lucky even. I likely have some pretty good genes?? My mom never smoked, worked until she was 82, and continued to live to 88. My dad never stopped working or smoking and lived till mid 90s. But genetics bring one back to gambling. 
And...life is not just about quantity. We are the only ones that define our individual quality. For me, I notice quality is so improved already. We read a lot of this here from everyone, yes? The breathing, the sleeping, the smell of themselves, the physical abilities, the list gets pretty long. There are the parts of life that defy words and are much deeper.  I notice them all too. I’m a person that it is helpful when I’m stressed to just look at facts. This helps because when craves hit I am more able to deconstruct them and accept that in the moment choosing to smoke won’t change the facts. 
Well, here I am nattering on and now...ready for this? Yup. I still romanticize the smoke. Would be lying if I said I didn’t. Still think there were certain ones I smoked because I just enjoyed them, and I’d be lying if I said there weren’t truth to that. So...this addiction is tough and tricky. A total mind ——. With some things in life they are just better to stick with the facts. When that wears thin, resort to intestinal fortitude. Know the end result is the telling hand. Know too, that none of us know the way it ends. Gamble if you like. Know that nobody here would judge you either way. I certainly would never in anyway.  Me, I’m saving what I was spending on smokes to go to Ireland cause it’s been a dream of mine for decades and I fully intend to out run Father Time on that one.
 

sorry so long...hope it helps.

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/24/20

So, I walk by this Agave every night. They are cool plants. Once they reach somewhere around 20 years, they put off this huge tall flower spike. The spike will usually stand a month, maybe two. This courageous one came to a full spike last October! 
Every night when I venture down there, I start to get a little nervous when I’m a couple of blocks away...I wonder if it will have finally succumbed and given its last breath. It is a sad day for the Agave as this is it’s death. This one...man...this one? I think it is an omen. It must not have smoked. Either that or it was like my dad, a smoker and still wearing out time!

They do leave pups that carry on though...
Was a good night to see it still standing.

JerseyDee

From: JerseyDee

5/24/20

That is cool looking.  I know nothing about Portland though.  Is this a famous landmark?  

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/24/20

Good morning Dee!

No, it is a yard in a neighborhood where I live in N.E. 

Portland has so many different micro climates. And like I said we actually have drought every summer, which you’d never know because next to Seattle this is the greenest place I’ve lived. But we won’t have rain at all for about 4 months real soon here. So plants like Agave, which are Monocots, meaning they live once, bloom, and die, some specimens do very well here.They are spectacular fierce succulent plants that are usually very sharp. One type is what Mezcal is made of. Which if you are quitting smoking and don’t want to get readily and stupidily drunk, I would definitely Avoid! I’m going to go on a long walk tomorrow and see one in the SE neighborhoods which is about 5 miles from me. It’s a big deal in the plant world cause of their survival here and the years it takes to bloom. The one I’m going to see tomorrow bloomed early as it is only 18. I know about the one in the pic as I walk around here all the time. I am good friends with the owners of a Nursery here and he and his husband and I always tell each other where we find them and over the years and watch and wait. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/27/20

So...what started as a nightly trek months ago continues. And tonight I was rewarded again on my journey with the sight of what has become known as “The Agave”. Again my heart quickened as I came around the curve and it was with great relief that I saw he still stands erect and yet unwavering, his towering blooms drying in the wind. 
This was a perfect Portland evening as far as sky and weather...it truly is a night that if I didn’t have duty calling at 7am I would likely be out walking for a few more hours. Of course I do sit down on a curb or a rock or whatever for 5-10 minutes every hour or so to just turn off my music and listen to the night. Sometimes I think I about smoking still as this is what I did for so long, but on nights like tonight? Nah. Too many other things that are so fulfilling with scents and sounds, and yet still, the lack of sounds.

I know you are fed up with lockdown Dee and find it challenging. For me, my life hasn’t changed much other than wearing a mask and lines. In the grand scheme of things that stuff doesn’t matter much. Other  things that have changed I’ve grown to love very much and I will miss them. I love darkness and quiet. I love this pace and peace. I’m also very lucky to live in a relatively safe city as far as US cities go, and for the size of it and I will still be able to walk for hours with little worry. But the stillness of the night will change a lot as things open and I am not ready. Truthfully...I am not sure if I will ever be ready for things to go back to the way they were here. I guess I can keep the quiet in my heart and just carry it with me. No matter what bustle is going on, I will know it’s there.
 

JerseyDee

From: JerseyDee

5/27/20

Good Morning Lore.  Thank you for your very eloquent post.  It was a very peaceful and soothing entry to read.  Your walks sound very relaxing.  Do you walk back& forth to work as well?  Must be a nice trek.

For me my life has changed substationally due this lock down.  I have not been able to socialize except virtually and that is affecting my mental health I believe .. sometimes I feel I am on the verge of cracking.  I just wan to hug a friend : (  .. I miss that sort of human interaction.  

Also,. I just miss the regular routine of the Y and my hair and nails desperately need to get done.  I miss going out to restaurants.  And I also able to walk through and window shop at stores.  

I have no idea when things are truly going to open up but sometimes i really do not know how much more of this I can. It also doesn't help that I am temporarily working full time hours which is far too much on my achy back and legs : (  .. Physically I am going to fall apart and mentally I am exhausted .. had therapy last night over phone and boy did she ever get an earful!  ...

But today is a new day.  Headed out to this morning to get these sutures out of my knee from the biopsy and go over results of that.  I am not worried though, he strongly didn't seem to think it was something to worry about.  But the lump is huge .. it looks like a baseball on the side of knee and it is pressing against my ITB and irrirtating the heck out of it and causing pain down the whole path of it from by hip straight down side of leg to where it attaches by knee.  

I want this mass removed.  I have to talk to other/first Dr about doing that but do not know when I will be able to see him as he only works business hours and I do not know how much longer I am going to be working FT and I do not want to take any more time off for this knee than I already have.  Ugh .. Just more stress : ( 

Well .. thanks for listening.  How much do I owe you for this session? ; )   

PS; How is your cat doing?  You haven't said anything in a few days now. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/27/20

Oh Dee..

Im so sorry you are struggling with all the physical stuff on top of the isolation you’re feeling! 
I apologize too on not seeming validating on the lockdown. I’ll expound on that a bit later and clarify.

Seems like you had sutures a long time. At least you get results today. So it has grown since the biopsy? Wonder if it developed fluid...let me know. I’m anxious to hear the results. 
Calvin (kitty) is not unlike that Agave. He is tenacious in his hanging on. I think this is some of why I’ve been checking on it 2-3 times a day. I get out and walk a lot at short interval during my days off and then usually one longer walk at night. The Agave has developed a lot of symbolism for me with lots of things. I’ll expound on them too later, but I do think Calvin may be one of them. He is so old (18) and very feeble. He is eating though and is cheerful when awake. Still...like the Agave and all else, it is a matter of time. He is close to done as far as wearing out time and now he just rolls with it and sleeps. Hmmm. Another analogy just popped in my head for later...

Anyway..I’m off to shower and go in to serve the machine. Struggling today to keep a brighter perspective on work a friend so graciously enlightened me with. More on that later too. 
Have a wonderful day and notice all the late Spring is bringing us. Me...I’m going surfing now. Glad you found some peace in my trek last night. I always do but I had some of my favorite songs to help me blasting in my AirPods. I really gotta get better about protecting my hearing! Not right now though...

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/28/20

Hey...results good news? PM me if you want Dee. Just thinking about you. Hope all is well. 
Had started this a few minutes ago, but some poof had it gone when I looked at the temperature. Best time of year ever, these few weeks leading up to Summer Solstice. Here it is light until nearly ten pm. I usually go to Seattle every year for Summer Solstice as they have the best Fest for it. Always say I’m gonna go to Stonehenge one year too. Neither of those will happen this year though. Think I’d rather do Stonehenge when it isn’t actually Solstice though. I used to be involved with a Coven that went yearly but that is many moons ago. They said it gets crowded and I think I’d like that experience more peaceful.
Got a couple of hours of work notes to finish from home here before I go check on The Agave (I really should name him). Then I’ll be out for a few hours probably, maybe walk across a bridge or two. Can’t pass this beautiful evening up as it is a lovely one. Perfect breeze and temperature, skies clear. Tomorrow I take my daughter out for her first day on her first job. It’s a place that also holds a piece of my heart and she is only there for 4 hours so I’m gonna pack me a little lunch and some Kombucha and get lost on the trails and waterside for a while. 
One of these days I’m gonna start a trek and gather all these little pieces of my heart that I’ve scattered all around. Not sure what I’d do with them if they were all in one place and it is kind of nice having them scattered about and knowing that they are special places that I can visit and feed my soul for a while too. 
Not sure what I’ll do if that Agave isn’t standing tonight....I’ve told myself I won’t smoke about it as in my heart it will always be there. 
 

Let me know your results when you get a chance. I’m thinking about you. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

5/28/20

Relief. Or is it reprieve?

Hmmm. Can’t seem to rotate on my phone. Gotta get home to bed so won’t bother with iPad. At least no excuse to smoke...

well tried to fix the poor thing again just now this morning and can’t. Sure hope I’m not bringing it a bad breeze...

Elizaquits

From: Elizaquits

5/28/20

Hey Lore,

I have to admit, I did not know that about agave plants. After seeing your last picture, I spent a good half an hour reading about it - totally interesting! So, thank you for enlightening me :) I love to learn new things!

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