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Jenn's journey of hope   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 8/23/15 by ModJenn (blakwolf013); 89539 views.

From: Simon2Blue


Hi Jenn,

Thank you so much for this journal posting. It has spoken a thousand words to me while reading it.

It is interesting to see how our different journeys in life has lead us to this point as a smoker to ex-smoker. What strikes me the most was when you spoke about cigarettes as "my companion and friend"

Although I lived a sheltered life with a good family and friends, good high school. I started smoking in university but at that time there was no attachment to it, as a creative individual it was more of a "cool" rebel act. It was only when I experienced a traumatic experience, that I fell into a deep depression and landed in rehab that smoking became the only companion and friend I had.

Looking back, in many ways it helped me cope. fighting out of depression, doing the impossible and saving failing grades to get my degree. Fighting through my early career, through discrimination to success. Building a second career as a model but falling into the drugs scene. I relied heavily on smoking to get out of it all. A few years ago, I moved to a new city, returned to my degree career direction, now in a wonderful gay relationship with a partner and have a beautiful daughter. Quitting the "companion" was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life after everything I have been through but deep inside I knew that nicotine was never my friend, it was only a coping mechanism that I actually never needed but yet continued smoking due to addiction until now. 

Thank you Jenn, you have given me a lot of insight and internal reflection.

Warmest Regards


In reply toRe: msg 986
ModJenn (blakwolf013)

From: ModJenn (blakwolf013)


My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me (Steve Maraboli).

My journal and the Forumily were so important as I fought to reclaim a life that was hijacked by my addiction to nicotine. I would re-read my journal entries and the wisdom from others. I still do to keep my quit fresh and on solid ground.

I am happy to say that I stopped killing my body and spirit on 23 March 2013 --> I've been blessed with my freedom for 6 years, 7 months, and 25 days (saving $29,172 for not smoking 48,620 cigarettes).

I wrote the poem below on 12 August 2013 with 4.5 months of smobriety under my belt. I am definitely not a poet. I can't remember ever writing a poem after I was a teenager. I came across it today and thought maybe my struggles can give strength to someone else. There is a warrior in each of us. Take it one minute and hour at a time if you have to and your days of smobriety will keep adding up!


With a broken wing I try to fly.
This is my life while I sit and cry.
Where is hope with each step to cope?

When relapse knocks,
Darkness prevails.
With hope is strength, even in fear and despair.

A warrior lies deep within us,
Remembering why the journey begins.
An inner strength, a source of hope.

Just one more hour, one more day,
Regardless of what the junkie thinking may say.
Believe, hope, and know, this too shall pass.

Own hope.

Hugs and love to the (((Forumily)))

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)


It's beautiful Jenn.  Thank you.