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5 months not smoking but my brain is still trying to lure me back in    General Chit-Chat

Started Sep-19 by Danhugs; 5146 views.
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Sep-28

Autumn has always had an overtone of melancholy for me and it used to be kind of scary deeper down. The shorter days and the fading of the lively light, the cooler crisp air and the breeze whispering “change is imminent “... It is not unlike your sense of letting go of the addiction and watching it drift away. It is better I quit smoking in the late Winter as Spring is hopeful and gives us things to look forward to; new growth and vibrant blooms, lovely fresh smells and softer gentler rains. It feels more hopeful and we look forward to the longer days coming filled with excitement at the things to do. Quitting earlier in the year was a better choice for me and I’m not sure I would be successful to take it on now. Autumn is more associated with a closing and a moving into darkness. It brings a feeling of variables and unpredictability that makes me feel a bit lost deep inside and a bit off balance; the feeling and need to move into a bit of cave and shelter from the coming storms. I think to an extent where we are in our quits it is a bit natural to want to reach for the comfort of smokes again, to take something into the cave we remember and associate with grounding and familiarity. Our buddy. It has taken many seasons of being keenly aware of my inner clock and workings to find a rhythm with the change of seasons and not let my mind be overcome with anxiety of change in the air. This year has also been a particularly challenging one in many ways, and maybe not so oddly, I feel a more welcoming sense inside with the impending seasonal change. A new hope I’ve not ever felt with coming changing of the leaves. Not smoking raises my awareness of the calming things of Autumn and allows me to be more accepting and present with it. Still will find a cave to move into, but perhaps this year not go in as deeply and not be as afraid to go in alone without my buddy.
Yes, quitting earlier in the year has left me a bit more prepared for the raw emotional changes the change of seasons brings and I feel more grounded in their, as you say “unpolluted” reality, and more ready to accept the flow and move with it rather than fight against it. Kind of like how folks can change their hair color all they want but the silver remains just underneath and always finds it’s way to the surface again so why cover it to begin with. I liken it to that...why fight it? Same with the seasons. Let the colors change and not fight it. New growth is still there and what isn’t apparent is under the surface preparing. 

CC to TinyBadger
Danhugs

From: Danhugs

Sep-28

In time where I question what is freedom, freespeech, freewill. I choose not to smoke. Not because i never have. Not because I was told not to. But because I decided not to. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Sep-28

Well Dan, you are not the only one with those other questions on free speech and what is freedom...there are many answers missing on those issues in my mind and around me. Yes, it does feel good to do something not just because we are told to, but simply because we want to. It gives a little peace maybe to have something we feel is only within our own individual power and control when so much else is not. So much else just is not. 

  • Edited September 28, 2020 7:24 pm  by  Loreficent
Danhugs

From: Danhugs

Sep-28

Hi lore. It is a strange thing in a way. Like you said not many things are under our control but this is. I am starting to relise it is a choice. A bloody horrendously hard one but still is a choice and it under my control. There are many things I choose not to do  for my own good. And i managed to sit and have a whiskey the other day. have waited for a while because that used to be one of my favourite with a smoke. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Sep-30

Well, one answer to what is freedom...to get in my car after lunch and drive to the Ocean and just be. No reason, just desire. Thought about that while driving over the Coast Range that it was a small bit of answer to a very large question. It’s good you had your whiskey. I think part of rewiring the brain means pushing through some things we used to smoke while doing and doing them anyway. If the joy of that thing is still found without the smokes it is worth it. I always say I’m gonna drink and never do really. One day I will have some whiskey though, but where whiskey ought to be had. Hope you have another one and enjoy it. You sound strong enough for it not to be quite as horrendously hard now. Maybe it can be your small freedom. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Oct-4

How is Autumn treating you now? It is such a pretty time. It is also a very hard time for me and found myself thinking about smoking today more than I have been. Not in a way to go do it. Sure am dreading the time change though. Good thing is sleeping is better as a non smoker for me, so maybe the sense of need to hibernate will be good. Hope this week was better for you!

Danhugs

From: Danhugs

Oct-4

Woke up to sunshine. Feels good. Deep breath. Fresh air. Going to get on my bike headphones on. Get my heart rate up get out of breath and remind myself why I quit. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Oct-4

That sounds like a good plan. Nice to wake to sun. Still dark here though a little brighter at the edges. Will go back to sleep and not dream of smokes and wait and be surprised by what the day brings. Hopefully some sun here too. Maybe I will steal Daughter’s bike for the day if it is. You’re right, get the heart rate up and remind me why I quit will help.

DanJF3

From: DanJF3

Oct-5

Like you I am still having a bit of a challenge with the fall.  I keep trying to be positive and today had a nice long vigorous walk on a cool day which filled my lungs with a lot of clean air so that's been helpful.  Keep hanging in, I plan to and just take it a day at a time.  Nothing is worse than winter smoking (around here anyway) and going outside to freeze or get the house smelling all smoky which is something I seriously hate.  Oh and good to know I am not the only one that sleeps so much better now that the nicotine is out of the system.  Have a good week there!

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Oct-5

Yes, a good week. Thank you for the encouragement. It was good to know someone else struggles with the season change too. Supposed to be lovely and in the 70’s here so lots of walking is on my agenda. It does help clear the lungs and head. I’ve never written out before how Fall makes me feel before doing so on here and that helped too, to just get it out. No...don’t smoke in the house for sure. And I won’t on my deck. I like to wrap in a cozy blanket though and sit out there even when it’s dreary with a nice coffee or tea. Smells good without the smoke drifting about. Have a good week too! 

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