Lubbercat, 

I think that’s part of why it’s easier for me when I have people around me. I don’t want them to know if I don’t make it. If I can hide it, I’m much more likely to smoke. I thought I’d have a good month without being completely alone, so this housesitting has caused a bit of a bump in my carefully laid out plan. 
I think I’m fortunate that I’m not around smokers. I think I know 2 people who smoke and 1 of them I’ve never seen smoke. It’s awesome that you’re able to stick with it, even when you’re surrounded by people who’d like you to fail. I remember when my friend quit 20+ years ago. I really wanted her to start smoking again, which sounds messed up, lol, but I wanted my addiction buddy to go outside with me. It took some time, but I think seeing her successfully quit was a huge catalyst for quitting for the first time. I sure wish I’d stuck with it past the 2 year mark, but I didn’t, so I’m yet again here and fighting this thing. 
ok, now I’m rambling a bit. Thank you so much for your response. I will be so happy when I get to 17 months!

Jenny

Jenny... Everyone... I went to the convenience store today, bought a pack of smokes, smoked one then threw the pack out. I don't know why I did this but I think it has to do with my wanting to lose weight. I went to dinner with friends last night, woke up and saw that I gained three pounds! I felt fear! I know what I thought. Maybe I could smoke for a week or two just to get the weight off and then I'll go back to the lozenges. Ugh. Here I was, so happy to be at 6 lozenges a day, planning out my program to go from 6 to 5 to 4 to eventually zero- and then I forget all about that hopeful plan and smoke a cigarette. Why? Why? Because I am terrified of gaining weight. The good part of this story is that fortunately I do not feel like going back to smoking and I have not been abusing the lozenges today. I knew I would smoke one today. I knew it. I wasn't really craving one, but i kept visualizing myself smoking one outside in the cold before starting work. The more I pictured smoking one, the more resigned I became to making that drive to the store to buy a pack. This was careless and absolutely needless- but i am not beating myself up for this slip because I now know that that is exactly what the addiction wants us to do- to feel guilty and hopeless so we can turn back to it for more false comfort! 

I still have hope! I don't know how to completely get off of the lozenges. I used to be content at 6 a day but deep down inside I know I would love to be at maybe just 4 a day then 2 or 3 then possibly quit. I don't know how to pass time without thinking of nicotine. Well, I need to get back to work as my break is almost over. I cannot take this forum for granted! Had I hopped on the forum earlier, I might have stopped the picture of myself smoking and prevented myself from buying a pack. Just when I thought I was heading close to a successful rainbow, a few pounds set me back... Quite a bit. Perhaps I need to also quit having bad body image.

Jerthie, sending you hugs! Sounds like a rough day, for sure. Were you surprised by how bad it tasted? That’s always amazed when I have one after a long time. Yuck!

I once gave up on a quit because I rationalized it would help me lose some unwanted pounds that had found me. It didn’t. Not one bit. I probably put a couple on when I finally quit again, though!  

I’m so happy you tossed the rest of the pack so it’s a small slip rather than a full blown failure. At least that’s how I see it. You’re right back on track and coming here for support, so you’re awesome! I hope I can keep going this weekend and be here to help support you. 

Jenny

Thanks Jenny. I feel okay, not beating myself up over this. You keep on truckin' young lady. I gotta get going here my shift is over. Will write you more later or tomorrow. God bless us all!

Jerthie

Good for you for not beating yourself up over this!  Just keep moving forward and continue with the quit.  

I used the patches when I quit and that way, I completely killed off the hand mouth thing before killing off the nicotine in my body.  I did not worry about it and just did 2 weeks at a time.......so, maybe for you just do 2 weeks on each level and cut back one at a time on the lozenges?

Oh my gosh, you don't want to pick up smoking = noooooo

Have an extra lozenge or even two but don't pick up those smokes.  Stick with 6 when its good but if you run into a day where you need one or two more lozenges then please, take the extra one or two lozenge.  Don't pick up those smokes  - then you'll have two addictions to break.  

You are doing so great.  6 or seven (let say under 10)  for a few months - then maybe think about trimming down a bit more, long after you are so used to 6 or 7 that you don't think about it any more.  

Be proud of yourself - you are looking after yourself and a couple of pounds isn't going to make any difference in who you are.  Go for a run or do a bit of extra strenuous walking to take off that 3 for 4 pounds.   

It's been a great year - next year will be even better.!!!

Thanks Anne. I am going to follow your advice. I definitely don't want to start smoking again! I am not craving cigarettes. Sometimes I don't even crave the lozenges. What I want is someone to chop ten pounds off of my body. I have bad body image. I've gained 15 pounds over the last year and two days ago, I just added three more, sadly. I seem to think that smoking would be a way to get the weight off in a hurry... I would smoke until I lose at least five pounds and then go back to not smoking and using the lozenges. Sadly, that is how vain I am. But I am not buying another pack no matter what! You are right Anne. Going back to smoking is something I absolutley do not want to do! Thanks for your support!!

Thanks Lubbercat. It's a process, I know. The lozenges are definitely a lot better than cigarettes, and I am able to manage my life using 5 or 6 a day. It's just when I see how much weight I have gained over the past year that I want to smoke again. Smoking always made me lose weight, yeah but at what price right? I feel bad about being this vain, that I would actually return to smoking just because I dislike my body so much.

I have had a change in my medications now too. I didn't know until I saw my doctor last Tuesday that the medications that control my hallucinations cause anxiety as a side effect when used over time. So all of that heavy anxiety I was feeling was not due solely to life sutuations. It was partially due to medications. What a relief I have felt over the past few days!

I don't know if I have been able to provide any insight here tonight. I feel like I just vented about my weight and bad body image lol. But I shall leave with this! No one is perfect. My quit is not perfect. My quit is a process unique to my mental abilities. With continued patience I will get to my desired goal, and for now never pick up another nasty smoke and continue to keep on keeping on at 6 lozenges a day. The support here means the world to me. Thank you!!!

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't been around lately but I really have a lot on my plate with my dad passing and dealing with what to do with my mom.  Even after almost 5 years, I cannot tell you guys how hard it was to not go downstairs to where my husband keeps his cigarettes and lighting one up.  My dad was my hero and he quit smoking (for the 2nd time) 20 years ago and he smoked Lucky Strikes when I was younger and then 4 packs a day of Marlboros when I was older.  I just think he would be so disappointed in me if I ruined my quit because I'm struggling dealing with his passing and the challenges of how to best take care of my mom.  But the reality is...sitting here 3am... the pain is real and so is the craving to go have a smoke.  But the other reality is that it isn't going to bring him back, ease my pain or give me any good ideas to deal with my challenges I'm facing right now.  His funeral is Monday so that part will be behind me and then I just have to move on to the next thing to deal with.  I will not smoke though because it is only going to make me feel worse..giving up a 5 year quit.  Just like quitting smoking, I'm going to deal with this one day at a time.

Hope all is well with everyone and thank you for letting me vent here.  I will be back soon.

Oh Cindi,

I’m sorry to hear of your Dad passing. It is a unique and incredibly lonely pain to lose one of our parents. My heart goes out to you. And the added stress of managing things with/for your mom I’m sure is about to put things over the top. 
Yes, you would feel worse to have a smoke, though I certainly understand that temptation. You are being put to the test all around right now. The momentary, fleeting few seconds of what you think right now would be relief would be followed with so much regret and guilt as you already know. It’s such a testament that you are able to acknowledge those temptations and come write things out and vent.

Please don’t worry you are not here as much as you like right now. We are here for you and will be keeping you in our thoughts and sending strength and light your way. 

Hang in there,